How to distinguish a friend from a friend?

He did not turn out to be there at a difficult moment, did not support when it was necessary, did not justify trust and hopes … If something like this happened between us, the one whom we considered a friend becomes a traitor. And disappointment can be very painful. But the friend clearly expected a different relationship.

“Friendship is built on the implied agreement that it should be mutually beneficial or enjoyable,” writes philosopher Helge Sware. “When one of the parties feels that this agreement is not being implemented, it becomes frustrated.”

And yet: did we mistreat the other, considered him a friend, “but he suddenly turned out to be …”, or, perhaps, the other was not going to be what he seemed to us?

“The idea that there are real friends who will never let you down, and false ones who skillfully hide their true essence, is based on our fantasies,” the philosopher believes. “That’s why it’s one-sided and infantile. We are all flawed, which means we can disappoint others.”

Therefore, before judging, it is worth asking yourself a few questions. Has a friend often failed to live up to my expectations? Are there circumstances that can explain his behavior? Am I expecting too much from him? Am I sure that I always behave impeccably towards him? Such a conversation with yourself will allow you to realize your part of the responsibility – after all, relationships are always built by two.

It is important to understand how easily we can call an acquaintance a friend. Maybe we’re just… in a hurry? In order to get to know each other, to learn to accept the positive and negative in the other, to quarrel with him and put up with disappointments, without ceasing to be friends, it takes time.

“It should not be forgotten that there are several degrees of intimacy,” recalls sociologist Jen Yager. A friend can be the one with whom we sometimes meet to drink coffee together, and the one we see every day. With some friends we discuss books, films, performances, and with others we share the most intimate.

Jen Yager has been researching friendships for almost thirty years. She believes that different types of friendship differ in the degree of closeness (buddies, close friends or best friends), and offers her analysis of the conscious and unconscious connections that define relationships.

Friend

“Friendship is a characteristic type of relationship for many busy men and women who prefer to spend their free time with family and not waste energy on friends,” explains Jen Yager. A friend is more than just an acquaintance, but less than a close friend: in such a relationship there is less intimacy and trust.

A friend can also be called a “good friend”, with whom it’s good to spend time, relax, play sports, go to the cinema or to exhibitions, discuss work matters … You can be friends with him alone or join him with other friends. As a rule, friendly relations develop quickly, friends are united by a similarity of views and common interests.

We have a right to expect

Goodwill, reciprocal assistance in simple matters, a positive attitude (approval of one’s decisions and actions).

Reasons for separation or breakup

Over time, interests diverge more and more.

Moving or moving to another job, gossip, intrigue, withholding information, lack of reciprocity in providing assistance.

Close friend

Caring, sincere, reliable, honest, sincere … “It is with close friends that special relationships develop that satisfy intellectual and emotional needs and complement family and romantic relationships,” says Jen Yager.

At the same time, a close friend does not claim an exclusive place in our lives and does not conflict with other relationships that are important to us. There may be several close friends, and not all of them (another difference) may know about some events from our past. We may not be as open with them as with our best friend. But it is with them that we share both joyful and difficult moments of our lives. Close friends tend to become mutual friends of the couple.

We have a right to expect

Tact, sincerity, generosity, benevolence, help and support.

Reasons for separation or breakup

The asymmetry of relationships (one begins to give more than the other), the growing difference in views, values ​​and lifestyle over time, the emergence of jealousy or rivalry.

Best Friend

This is a friend in every sense of the word. “He embodies the ancient ideas of what a friend should be, and fully corresponds to the dreams of an ideal partner who is always there and for whom we are always in the first place,” says Jan Yager.

Friendship with him has not only passed the test of time, but also withstood all tests, from minor to the most important: a change in social status, marriage, the birth of children … It is based on a deep conviction (confirmed by facts) that we are loved and appreciated for what we are. there is. From this, the key “ingredient” of our relationship is born: exclusivity, uniqueness.

With your best friend, you don’t have to show your best side. He is to us what a kindred spirit is in love. What are the qualities that make a true friendship? Indifference (loyalty to a friend and friendship), sincerity (willingness to open up and share feelings and experiences with others), trust (confidence that we will not be betrayed), honesty (openness in discussing relationships) and community of interests (we have common values, but we easily accept the features of the other).

We have a right to expect

Devotion, “exclusivity” of relationships, frankness, dedication.

Reasons for separation or breakup

Betrayal (your shared secret became known to outsiders, a friend “took” your partner), a serious disappointment associated with an important moment in life (attitude towards a wedding, death, birth, illness …), which you cannot forgive.

False friend

He does not poison life, as a manipulator or a selfish friend does, even behaves sincerely and good-naturedly in communication, but violates (rather unconsciously) the golden rule of friendship: reciprocity and reciprocity. In friendship, such a person is changeable and self-centered.

Jen Yager distinguishes among false friends “friends in happiness” and “friends in misfortune.” The first ones are friends with you only when everything is fine with you, and as soon as problems begin, they try to disappear. However, they do not hesitate to complain and call for help if they need it. This tactic is especially noticeable in conversations: they spend three times as long talking about their own problems than listening to yours.

Friends in misfortune, on the contrary, are fueled by other people’s problems, because the position of the “vest” and the savior is both beneficial and pleasant, and also increases self-esteem. Someone else’s suffering for such people is the best antidepressant, a guarantee of well-being.

Reasons for separation or breakup

The realization that the “friend” does not sympathize and support us in our difficulties, or even gloat when we experience problems or suffer.

“We are connected by lived experience”

Irina, 43 years old, artist, restorer

I was introduced to the guys by the younger brother of one of them. They were all three or four years older than me, but then the difference seemed significant. They were the company, and I was the timid, bystander. I admired their ability to speak interestingly, their erudition and gaiety. Communication quickly grew into friendship.

The first close relationship arose with Natasha. We decided to go to her village, jumped without tickets on the train and ended up in a dining car, from which it was already impossible to get out. That trip became a real night of Scheherazade: so that we could safely reach our station, Natasha endlessly told our fellow travelers stories, real and fictional, and I inspired her to do this … In the morning, getting off the train, we collapsed into a haystack and slept there all day .

After that, I realized that we are connected forever by this shared experience.

Probably, our company is like a necklace with large and small beads. We are all different. Someone sets the tone, poetic, intellectual, a little philosophical, someone provokes, sharpens discussions. There are also those who, by their presence, create lightness, goodwill, and warmth. Man is spirit and flesh. When we meet, everything that touches the spirit begins to pulsate and live. And in ordinary life, everyone runs, takes care of children, and works. When we meet, we do not discuss all this, but as if we are floating above.

“Those with whom I breathed the same air, no one will replace”

Ekaterina, 46, Russian language teacher

With Igor and Vanya, we studied at the same school. They knew each other from the age of seven, I joined them at 16, and at 20 Vanya became my husband. Igor is a real poet. At school, we gathered at his house and listened to his poems. Igor is a lover of classical music, he had a collection of records, and we listened to the concerts and symphonies of Beethoven, Mahler, Wagner. Sometimes he stopped the music and shared his comments with us, sang, conducted.

With a large group of classmates, we went on bicycle trips, to dachas in early spring, skipped classes. Then Igor entered the Literary Institute, Vanya entered the medical school, and I entered the philological faculty at Moscow State University. At the university, on the very first day, I met Natasha, she joined my company of classmates quite naturally, as if she had studied with us all her life in the same class.

We met and became friends with her friends: Maxim, Anya … We often gathered together with Vanya and me – in a small but separate apartment. They played charades. Many of them have been staged over the years, the most memorable word was “appeasement”: it was divided like this – “died of jam.” They sang a lot with the guitar or a cappella.

We also traveled. Together they went to Koziukas to Vilnius, to Georgia, to the homeland of Father Igor, to Western Ukraine – on folklore expeditions. They lived together, a common life, common joys. We went to church. How joyful it was to stand and pray together, to rejoice in God. We fasted together, we broke the fast together.

And in 1994 I entered the graduate school of Yale University in the USA at the Slavic Department. And we went to America. Three of our children were born here. And this is where we stayed. Every summer, except for the last two, we come to Moscow. I try to show children what Moscow is. We have been in America for 20 years. I have many close friends here. And a lot of friends.

But no one will ever replace that closeness in spirit, that friendliness, that depth that is felt in our company.

I talk to Natasha every week, and not a single more or less important matter is left without discussion. In Moscow, we usually live together for several days to enjoy inseparable communication and discuss everything that has accumulated. I really miss all my Moscow friends. And if you ask me if I would like to return to Moscow, I would say yes, tomorrow! To be close to family and friends. With those with whom I walked the same streets in my youth, with whom I breathed the same air, with whom I spent the happy days of my youth, with whom I grew up and grew older, no one can replace them.

Now we meet very gray-haired and shabby, aged and tired. But it is amazing that none of us has changed in soul. For some reason, we all remained the same young at heart, laughing, laughing, singing and reading, going to church and traveling.

“Silence for us means no less than words”

Igor, 47 years old, philosopher, writer

Friendship, like any other human relationship, goes through different stages. The beginning of friendship is a hot stage, when friends are in constant exchange and mutual enrichment, they have a great need to communicate, to have a dialogue, which, like two rivers racing side by side, then merge into a single stream …

But, as a rule, it cannot last all the time. And then the question arises: what is friendship – cooperation, community of spiritual interests, as in the relationship between Freud and Jung? Or mutual acceptance, mutual understanding at the level of simple things, trust and a sense of reliability. That is, in other words, creativity or barbecue and wine?

When Maxim and I were about thirty years old, we were united by important common interests related to psychology, we spent time in philosophical conversations, apparently, we needed to live at the same time important for both.

By the way, it often happens that this is what friendship is due to: at a certain stage in life, people meet with approximately the same life questions.

And they try to talk about it and think together. But such intersections cannot last forever. Sometimes this develops into professional interest, cooperation, where sooner or later ideological rivalry arises. Or, after the hot stage of the relationship, there comes a cooling, even disappointment.

But if you treat it without maximalism, do not abandon the relationship, a pleasant maturity will come to replace it – friendship, which, ultimately, is wine and barbecue. When people can just be happy to be around and silence means no less than words. This is just mutual understanding, reliability, trust – something that can remain for a long time, maybe for life.

In youth, people come up with more entertainment, more opportunities, to which they can then return, remember for a long time. Gradually soldered long-term company becomes such a team, where parties are pre-scheduled. Such a distribution can be boring, we already know what to expect from whom, but, on the other hand, we can treat this as a tradition and catch a buzz. To enjoy the performance of all the usual roles – and this will be an excellently played game.

Of course, when people have a lively mind and character, then with age such roles are enriched, but they cannot change completely. If this happens, most likely, it will cause surprise and concern of the entire team – something happened to the person, he became different, how can you help him? Although, sadly, perhaps he just finally became himself.