How to develop sensitivity

Understanding others, even close ones, is not always easy. “We have been together for a year now, I always take care of my girlfriend, I try to please, but I can’t predict her reaction. I would like to get to know her inner world better,” says 32-year-old Maxim.

“Recently, I jokingly said that women after childbirth have nothing to do and they eat out of boredom. After that, one friend left, and the other abruptly changed the subject, it seems that something went wrong, but what? – 28-year-old Daria is perplexed.

And sometimes we ourselves become the same unsolved puzzle for ourselves. “Often, among the general fun, I suddenly feel lonely,” admits 40-year-old Nadezhda.

Not knowing how to listen to ourselves, to feel belonging, and sometimes pain and disappointment, we thereby stop our own development. So, it is worth taking a closer look at ourselves and understanding what prevents us from opening up. How? Gestalt therapist Igor Pogodin and narrative practitioner Inga Green will help you become more sensitive to yourself and others.

1. Develop observation

Sensitivity is the ability to see the new. Developing it, we quickly notice what is changing in the environment, what feelings, desires or needs appear, how friends, relatives, colleagues treat us. We pay attention to the nuances that we have not seen before.

“Becoming sensitive, we see even small changes in the surrounding reality and react to them,” explains Igor Pogodin. “Like a driver, when he drives a car along a straight road and slightly moves the steering wheel: right-left, left-right.

If he does not do this, he may not notice, for example, a pole. These are the micromovements we need to manage our own lives. The more sensitive we become, the more we notice and respond to micro-challenges. This helps to avoid global signals that hit like a sledgehammer on the head.”

We can develop the skill to notice the signs of change: in nature, environment, loved ones. And then a sudden collision with a pillar, and other life troubles, most likely, will not happen.

Experiment

Walking in the park or river embankment, notice that you see something new. Here sparrows jump, a squirrel ran, a snowflake flashed in the light of a lantern. “As a child, I loved looking at the Murzilka and Funny Pictures magazines,” recalls Igor Pogodin. – And on the last page of each issue of the magazine there was a task: find 5 or 10 differences in the pictures. It was necessary to spend time and discover implicit, small details. Also, in any situation, we can look for something new.”

Result

Showing interest in the environment, after about 2-3 months you will begin to find more and more new “5 differences” everywhere – when talking with colleagues, playing with children, communicating with friends. You will see brighter, feel stronger, which means that the choice will expand and new opportunities will appear.

2. Focus on your experience here and now

The development of reflection is another way to train receptivity to yourself. With its help, we can increase the clarity of perception. When we take pictures using a professional camera, we adjust the lens and focus. Similarly to this process, we can get a sufficiently high sharpness of perception by developing receptivity.

Experiment

We do not always clearly recognize our feelings, we catch their different shades. For example, we do not distinguish between grief, depression and despondency. But we can say that inside we have a black hole, where all the joy sucks. In this case, it will be useful to examine your feelings. Inga Green suggests asking yourself some important questions:

• What do I feel now? How does is called?

• Can I express it by movement, by singing, by dancing?

• Can I describe my experience with a metaphor or some kind of image? What does it look like?

• What fills this black hole and what do its edges look like?

• What is beyond these edges?

Result

The vague “something inside” will become discernible. You will be able to recognize your feelings, understand what is happening to you. And that’s the key to understanding what’s going on with others.

3. Try on your partner’s shoes

Can receptivity improve relationships in a couple? Certainly. Imagine that you and your partner no longer walk the same familiar path. Several roads will open before you, and you will choose which one to go. And before you hit the road, you should “change your shoes,” says Inga Green.

Experiment

There is an expression: “If you want to understand someone, walk a hundred miles in his shoes.” Look at your partner’s shoes, shoes or sneakers. How hard or soft are they, small or big for you? Sit across from each other and ask him or her how he/she feels/thinks.

“Ask as if you were given a ticket for an excursion to another universe, an unknown world,” explains the narrative psychologist. “You were let in, and it’s a great honor to be a witness, to find out how different the world of another is. Pay attention to the look in your partner’s eyes, the tone of your voice, the story he/she is telling and your new feelings towards him or her, the curiosity you have.

In addition to the workshop in the kitchen, you can go to the cinema or the theater. And then discuss from a position of respectful curiosity what each of you saw.

Result

This is an exercise in openness to the experience of others. Repeat it from time to time, and each time it will become easier to try on your partner’s shoes. You will also understand what his views and picture of the world are based on.

4. Look for a development vector

With each day of training, the range of feelings will expand, and you may want to explore what you are capable of. You may remember a long-standing dream of starting your own business, or you may have an idea to do something unusual, creative. Give yourself a chance to showcase your talents.

Experiment

Follow your desires. If you feel like drawing, writing, or playing a musical instrument, give yourself permission to do what interests you. Treat it with curiosity, explore feelings. If this is really your path, then everything will work out, or you will finally stop torturing yourself with a pipe dream and also become happier.

“In my youth, I didn’t study music, but recently I decided to try,” says Igor Pogodin. – I chose the saxophone for six months, found the best teacher, and began to study. I regularly went to classes and … I didn’t feel anything, neither joy nor inspiration. This went on until I stopped and said to myself: who am I kidding? Spat and sold the saxophone. 

Mikhail Zhvanetsky has a radical statement about creativity: “Writing, like writing, is necessary when it is no longer possible to endure.”

Result

You will discover the vector of your development. Perhaps you will become a musician, a poet or an entrepreneur. And if not, it’s never too late to sell the tool or business and do what you want.

5. Create a caring environment for yourself

Sometimes we want to give ourselves a break, hide in a hole. At these moments, feelings are aggravated, so you should not forbid yourself solitude, otherwise the perception of the environment risks becoming painful.

Experiment

How can you help yourself when you feel vulnerable? Explore the different registers of your feelings, understand which one is the most painful (maybe one, or several at once, or their intersection). And start building a comfortable environment. Be careful with yourself. For example, if you don’t feel like making phone calls to relatives, friends, clients or colleagues, then limit yourself to correspondence. Do not demand from yourself that which causes a painful exacerbation of feelings. Do not enter uncomfortable areas.

“When I had a broken leg and I knew that stepping on it in ice would hurt, I walked more slowly, planned the time to get somewhere based on my pace. In this state, it never occurred to me to squat with a barbell. The same thing happens with mental health, – explains Inga Green, – in a difficult time, when you feel vulnerable, do not demand from yourself that which will surely put pressure on a sore spot.

Result

You will realize that the sensitivity can be adjusted. By taking care of your condition, you can get more comfort and less stress, avoid stress reactions. You will spend less energy on adapting to the environment, feel that fatigue goes away, and you can return to the development of sensitivity again. Sometimes you just need a pause to take the next step.

6. Don’t be afraid of your vulnerability

Exploring our inner world, one day we will definitely meet with pain, fear, anxiety. We don’t know how to handle them, and we may fear our vulnerability. But vulnerability is our human nature. We build up thick skin to protect ourselves from the world, and it seems to us that we become invulnerable. But it is not.

“Let’s think about what breaks faster: a thin but flexible tree branch or a thick but dried one? – offers Igor Pogodin. – A thick branch looks powerful, but will break faster. In the same way, we, having built up armor, lose sensitivity, which predisposes us to serious injuries. Developed sensitivity, on the contrary, allows you to react in time to what is happening and not get hurt to the level of injury.

Experiment

How to learn to deal with anger, suffering, pain, when we begin to realize them? The most environmentally friendly treatment of any feeling is experience. This is a state when we do not try to fight our pain, but live with it. We can talk about pain. And as an interlocutor, it is better to choose someone who will not rush to console, devalue or save.

“If you hear that you are D’Artagnan, and the rest of you are unworthy, then such an interlocutor will not fit,” the Gestalt therapist warns. – Talk about your pain with someone who is able to listen to you, to accept. The moment you become present in your pain, its toxic component will begin to dissolve.” The pain will become lighter, more vital. It will stop blocking feelings, desires, inspiration.

Result

When we experience pain, we stop fighting it. And we get energy for other experiences: joy, pleasure, sexual arousal.