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It is no secret that modern young people are thinking about starting a family later. There are many reasons for this, as well as fears: they are afraid that a change in status will automatically mean deprivation and new problems, that relationships will take too much time, effort and emotional resources, leaving them nothing “for themselves” … About how everyone — still dare to take this step, says psychologist Anna Devyatka.
Why are today’s young people, unlike their parents and even more so grandparents, in no hurry to start a family? Each has its own reasons, here are a few of the most common.
1. Focus on «easy relationships»
What distinguishes modern people 25-30 years old from representatives of previous generations? First of all, the availability of opportunities, freedoms, choice. Today, the majority, regardless of gender, are busy with self-realization, searching for themselves, building a career. There is not much time and energy left for relationships, and therefore many people living together with a partner prefer frequent meetings and dates. In addition, many do not know how to support another and accept support, “fill up” with others, while respecting his personal space.
2. Fear of possible emotional and financial costs
Most young people care about financial security and the realization of professional ambitions, so it can be difficult to decide on a relationship. In trying to determine whether the game is worth the candle, whether it is worth «investing» their resources in a relationship, many put off the issue of marriage.
3. Selfishness, inability to negotiate
It would seem that there is nothing wrong with trying to prove one’s case, but at the same time it is important to be able to listen and hear the other side. This doesn’t work for everyone. It turns out to be easier to compete and prove one’s superiority than to cooperate, support a partner, try to look at the situation through his eyes.
For many, the meeting format is more attractive than a long-term relationship, because you do not need to take responsibility and obligations. In addition, the longer a person lives alone, the less he is ready to change his usual way of life for the sake of another.
How do you decide on marriage or a long-term relationship?
- First of all, you need to understand why you need a family. Is this your sincere desire or a decision made under the pressure of society: do your parents want to “baby grandchildren”, and all your friends have been in a relationship for a long time?
- It is important to feel secure in a relationship and support each other, given past experiences, yours and your partner’s.
- You need to understand what is more important for each of you at this stage. If the partner is more interested in professional implementation, this must be accepted. And the best way to find out is to talk to each other. The better the contact between you, the easier it is to agree on the conditions for creating a family. Considering that he should guess everything himself and that if we tell him something, “it will no longer be his sincere desire, but the answer to my request”, we lead the relationship to a dead end. At the same time, it is necessary to discuss at least approximate terms: when exactly the partner will be ready to return to the conversation about marriage — in order to understand whether it is worth hoping for something.
- It is important to clarify financial matters. The best option is when partners openly discuss the topic of money and can rely on each other, feeling mutual support.
When you discuss all these issues and clear up possible misunderstandings, moving along a healthy «schedule» of relationship development will be much easier, and this will organically lead your couple to the decision to start a family.