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Not everyone decides to become a mother again after the loss of a child, miscarriage, miscarriage, and not immediately. Although for many women to feel another life in themselves again means hope for the future. But why is this decision so difficult?
Pregnancy after loss is accompanied by fears and anxieties, which are already enough in this period of a woman’s life. After acquiring such an experience, fears grow like a snowball, and it is important to talk about them. Voiced, they lose their power and power over a woman. Understanding that she is not alone with her catastrophic fantasies can also be healing, psychologists of the Light in Hands charity foundation are sure.
Fear #1: It will happen again
Carrying a child after a perinatal loss, any woman is afraid that the child will die again (perinatal loss is pregnancy loss, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion, antenatal fetal death, intranatal fetal death, death of a newborn within 28 days after birth). No matter how many tests she goes through, no matter how many assurances from the best doctors that everything is fine, she hears (after all, the last time “everything was fine”), panic attacks for the baby are repeated. The most difficult time in a new pregnancy is the period at which the first baby died. These days, the fear of loss is exacerbated.
To reduce anxiety, mothers who have lost children are trying to play it safe: they are observed by two doctors at once, asking for additional examinations and tests. Some people buy homemade CTG — anything to know that the baby is alive, that his heart is beating. However, no matter how much effort future parents make to restore their calmness, it is not completely possible to get rid of anxiety. And that’s okay.
“Once faced with perinatal loss, parents find themselves on the other side of a ‘happy pregnancy with pleasant chores’. They know the pain and horror of helplessness. This fear cannot be forgotten, you can only learn to live with it,” comments Elizaveta Sukhanova, a psychologist at the Light in Hands Foundation.
Fear #2: I’m having a sick baby
If the loss was associated with intrauterine malformations or genetic abnormalities, the fear of having a sick child may haunt a woman until childbirth, and sometimes even after. Even good tests and ultrasound do not guarantee peace of mind. “What if the doctor didn’t see it? And why did he stare at the monitor for so long and be silent? What if they don’t tell me the whole truth? After all, once my child had vices, can you be sure that everything is fine with this baby?
Doctors, relatives and friends often say: «Don’t think about it, it won’t happen again.» «Do you guarantee?» parents-to-be ask. Here, the same tricks are used as in case of fear of losing the baby again: different doctors, additional examinations … and again, all this does not help to completely calm down.
“It is difficult for a woman to simply believe that everything will be fine when her life experience suggests that it can be different. Of course, she has hope, without hope there would be no new pregnancy, but fear also requires a respectful attitude, ”comments Olga Lebedeva, psychologist at the Light in Hands Foundation.
Fear #3: I will be a bad mom
It would seem, how can the loss of pregnancy and the fear of becoming a bad mother be connected? However, the logic here is this: «I could not save my child, and he died.» The feeling of guilt, once settled in the heart of a woman, haunts her relentlessly. And it doesn’t matter that she did everything to save him. «I should have felt!» — psychologists often hear such phrases from mothers who once lost a baby.
All this gives rise to a new fear — to cope poorly with their parental functions, “not to save” another child. From what specifically not to protect — this is not so important for a woman. Each cold and torn knee seems to say: “Look, you failed again, you are a bad mother.”
In such a situation, it can help to remind yourself that for the deceased baby, the mother did everything she could, and for the well-being of another one, she will go through any difficulties. That there are circumstances beyond her control, not everything can be controlled, although you really want to.
Why are fears dangerous?
The overcontrol that a woman can develop as a strategy during pregnancy has every chance of continuing after childbirth. And this is one of the dangers of pregnancy and the birth of a child after perinatal loss.
When a mother reacts to any ailment of the child as if it threatens his life, there is a risk that the child will not receive enough freedom to independently explore the world and himself in it. It is difficult for an overcontrolling mother to give a child the opportunity to make mistakes, to fill their own bumps. She will see a terrible danger where it is not there or it is insignificant.
The reverse side of the desire to control is passivity and the desire not to notice the pregnancy, the fear of becoming attached to the child until the woman is convinced that everything is fine with him. She can fence off the happiness of a new pregnancy, the pleasure of the first movements, remembering how hard it is to part with a source of joy later.
Often this happens unconsciously: «It’s scary to love and then lose.» Then I also reproach myself: “I rejoiced early, invented a child for myself, barely seeing two stripes.”
It is important to understand that by “freezing” fear, a woman turns off feelings of love and warmth for the baby, which are vital for him. The opportunity to give warmth and love is also needed by the mother herself — this is what she lost when the previous pregnancy was interrupted.
Both pregnancies are equally valuable for the mother, this is part of her life, her experience
Psychologists recommend remembering that these are two different stories, two different pregnancies and two different babies, one of which, unfortunately, left this world. If the previous pregnancy ended tragically, it is not at all necessary that the same thing will happen this time. Women themselves sometimes emphasize that “this time a lot is different: well-being, season, hairstyle, environment.” And these differences are very valuable to them.
Moments like these provide a resource to focus on a new pregnancy as a completely unique experience. Of course, the previous experience of the mother influences, and yet a new pregnancy is a new experience. Women who have experienced the loss of a previous pregnancy and all the fears of a new one may feel that they deserve the happiness of having a live child more than anyone else.
All the difficulties are insignificant compared to the joy of having a child. And both pregnancies are equally valuable for the mother, this is part of her life, her experience.
The staff of the Light in Hands Foundation understands how much courage and love for children is required in order to decide to give birth again, having the experience of loss behind them. We support parents on this difficult journey: we conduct preparation groups for new motherhood, both face-to-face and online, create support groups for pregnant women who are expecting a baby after a previous loss, conduct research and develop programs to prevent new losses. We provide this assistance free of charge for every resident of the Russian Federation.