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Are there those among your colleagues who like to mock others? Constantly complaining, gossiping, weaving intrigues? Perhaps these are not colleagues, but regular customers of your company. In any case, it is very likely that at work you are forced to often communicate with very unpleasant people. Psychotherapist and coach Joe Wilner explains how to deal with them.
We have all met people who are simply unbearable to be around. But what to do? How can you continue to work effectively and feel normal if you cannot avoid communicating with people who are unpleasant to you?
1. Look at things wider, learn to empathize
For starters, it’s worth remembering that “intolerable” people are often just very different from us. The world is very diverse, and others may have radically different ideas and beliefs. If we look at these differences with an open mind, we can understand that in most cases, different doesn’t mean «wrong» or «bad» — it’s just different.
In addition, we do not know what is currently happening with a person. Perhaps he is going through a difficult period now, and constant stress is affecting his behavior. Therefore, before judging someone and calling him unpleasant, show the ability to empathize, try to look at the situation through his eyes. Try to understand others and, most likely, you will be able to build more friendly relations with them.
2. Focus on the positives
It is often easier for us to see only those qualities of a person that cause us unpleasant emotions. To make communication with him more comfortable, try to pay attention to his positive aspects. It is quite possible that as a result you will learn about many of its valuable qualities, which are not always noticeable at first sight.
As you begin to pay attention to these qualities and praise your colleague for displaying them, you are likely to see their behavior begin to change for the better, and with it the dynamics of your relationship.
3. Remember: You only control your behavior.
It’s easy to blame a particular person or the situation as a whole for your experiences, but unfortunately, even if you don’t like the behavior of the other, trying to change it will not lead to anything.
Each of us is responsible only for our own thoughts, feelings and actions — and this is all that we can control. No matter how angry or dissatisfied you are, only you, not anyone else, is in control of your emotions and behavior. Focus on what you personally can do to improve the situation. Think about how you can best respond to something that irritates you. Try to restrain the first impulsive reaction so as not to aggravate the situation.
4. Learn to set boundaries
Everyone has different personal boundaries: some are open, easily sharing any details from life, others prefer to close themselves off from the world and remain silent even in the company of friends.
It is important to be aware of both your own boundaries and the personal boundaries of your colleagues. If your boundaries are violated, consider that perhaps the person did it unconsciously: it’s just that their own boundaries are much less rigid than yours. In this case, clearly, confidently and calmly explain where your boundaries are, let them know about your preferences and needs.
In most cases with a stranger, it’s best to stick to formal boundaries until you get to know them well enough to know where the line between acceptable and offensive lies for them.
5. Build Relationships Based on Mutual Respect
We do not always agree with others, sometimes we openly dislike them, but even in this case, we can maintain relationships with them based on mutual respect.
It is easy to understand that you are respected: in this case, you feel that your opinions and ideas are adequately perceived, your positive qualities are appreciated, and no one is trying to cross or move your boundaries. Try to behave the same way with everyone, even with people you don’t like.
About the Author: Joe Wilner is a psychotherapist, coach, and musician.