How to deal with emotional abuse

Often we do not think about the fact that the behavior of others, their words, actions are acts of emotional violence against us. The most common examples are: harsh criticism, rejection, attempts to control the decisions we make, restriction of the freedom to manage our time, manipulation in order to force us to do things that we do not want to do.

Victims of emotional abuse feel completely powerless in dealing with someone who is emotionally abusive. Therefore, it is extremely important for them to find internal resources for the struggle.

This is often easier said than done, since the “rapist” may have all the levers of power: for example, he is the only one in the family who earns money or even controls any movement of family members and their connection with the outside world.

Since the aggressor does not at all need his victim to make independent decisions or be able to speak freely, she herself has to look for strength and resources in herself to counteract emotional violence.

First of all, it is important to develop self-confidence and communication skills. If you are not also threatened by physical abuse, it is important to find the right words to adequately respond to manifestations of emotional abuse.

1. When someone makes decisions for you

Do you realize you’re trying to make a decision for me without even asking my opinion? I have my wants and needs. When you decide what is best for me, it feels like I am under your control, and this is an unpleasant feeling. I want to be actively involved in decision making. I am independent and deserve respect.

2. When you are criticized harshly

When you speak to me in such a tone and use such unpleasant words, it humiliates me. Most likely, you yourself (a) do not understand how much it hurts me. Of course, if you want to hurt me and ruin my mood, you can continue to talk like that, but I still ask you to stop.

3. When someone ignores your needs or refuses to help

I have needs too. If you ignore them and refuse to help me, I feel rejected (oh), like you don’t care what happens to me at all. You don’t care about me at all? If not, please, somehow respond to my requests for help. You are important to me (important), and I would like reciprocity.

4. When you are being abused or threatened

What you are doing now is cruel. Do you understand it? You’re scaring me. Understand, it is very difficult to live with a person who is cruel to you. Please stop, I want to feel safe around you.

5. When your partner takes it out on the kids

I don’t know what kind of relationship you want to build with your kids, but if you keep going like this, you won’t have any at all. Your son will someday abandon you, and you will never see him again – and this will be a direct consequence of how you are behaving now. Do you want this?

What’s next?

These are not magic spells and you will most likely encounter resistance. But you have to start somewhere. In order to set clear boundaries and “get through” to the person who is showing emotional abuse, you will need to learn how to constantly communicate with him in a serious, adult way, thinking through your words.

Practice. If the answers above (paraphrased for your specific situation) help, use them. Words have great power and can change a lot. Not all “emotional abusers” will be able or willing to change, but some will eventually change their behavior.

Only you can set the limits of your patience and ultimately decide if it’s time to cut that person out of your life altogether. In the meantime, find the right words for yourself that will give you strength.