How to deal with childhood jealousy – psychologist

– You are sisters, you must live in harmony!

I don’t even know how my mother’s tongue didn’t wear off while she inspired me to do this.

It was not possible to live in harmony. Well, first of all, the age difference is almost nine years. Secondly, I didn’t want to share my mother’s love with anyone. And neither to me, the younger “favorite”, nor to her, the senior “assistant”.

– She’s always the best! – the main cry of childhood.

The character could be both senior and junior. After that, it was imperative to slam the door and go to the toilet to suffer.

We only came to a relatively friendly relationship when we grew up. But when we had our own children, we again began to subconsciously divide the now “grandmother”.

Sound familiar? Sadly? But not necessarily. If you remember that your children are independent people and they are not obliged to love each other by default, as you love them. We also need to work on their relationship. That’s how? This is the WDay editorial team asked the psychologist and mothers who faced the problem and solved it.

Mother Sveta, daughter Dasha (5 years old) and son Igor (3 months)

– The eldest was waiting for her sister, and I told her that there would be a brother. She was upset. She cried bitterly. I had to tell what the boys are good about: that he would not take her toys, hairpins and clothes. She thought and agreed, waited.

There is jealousy now, but not obvious: he does not beat his brother, does not offend. Even rather not to him with jealousy, but to me with resentment. She loves him, kisses him, but since I now pay little attention to her, she jumps under all my actions. I change the diaper, and she is there, shaking the rattle, and she shakes. I photograph Igor – she climbs into the frame and closes it.

She asked me to “eat sisya” once. I said that then she was also entitled to a diaper and a nipple, and she would have to sleep all day, that only the little ones eat sisya. She thought she refused.

Mom Vika, sons Arthur (5 years old) and Albert (3 years old)

– There was no need to prepare for the birth of the youngest, Arthur was still too small then. I only had to explain that there was a lyal in my tummy, so you can’t jump on it. But of course there was jealousy. Like, let’s throw it in the trash and so on. She explained that I would never throw anyone out, that they would put them in jail for this, how would he be then without his mother.

Earlier Arthur used to say: my mother, only mine. Now he says our mother is with Albertik. But Albert divides his mother and drives his father away. If I lie down, fight for a seat next to me. But even so, without a brother, Arthur and his dad had it. But somehow they are already agreeing, and I’m also teaching Arthur that it’s easier to change or distract him, suggest something else. He kind of understands and does so.

By the way, I myself was jealous of my older sister. We have a difference of 5 and a half years. It seemed to me that she was already an adult and she and her mother were on their own wave.

Mom Olya, daughter Liza (6 years old), son Vitya (3 years old)

– I read a book to Liza about a white bear, to whom my sister was brought. Conducted conversations, showed child development, animated videos. The main thing was to explain how small he would be, that he would not be able to play with him yet. I paid attention: Alice’s friend has a brother, Sofia has a little brother, Olya has a sister, that is, she instilled as a norm that there are several children in the family.

As a result, Liza did not have jealousy as such, she reacted very well to Vita. And “sit there, mom, I’ll turn on his mobile”, and “why don’t you let me take care of him, he’s not yours, but a common one”. And we have always emphasized how much Vitya loves Lisa. He really always just blurred if she came up.

Here, rather, something else had a bad effect on Liza: they put me on preservation, and I was not at home for a whole month. My daughter was under terrible stress. She became nervous, even started biting her nails. Only three months later she was released.

– Jealousy between children in a family is absolutely natural. But the extent to which it manifests itself depends solely on the parents. Indeed, for them, children are often mentally united into one whole. And among children, there is a struggle for parental love. They will “fight” for it, and we need to give them such an opportunity, this is normal. It is also normal that they need to learn to love each other. You will not extinguish a conflict that has flared up. But then, by all means, you need to discuss the situation with them together, and with each separately. And be sure to make it clear to the children that each of them is special. Trying to be like a little one is also an element of jealousy. Of course, you need to pay attention to this, but in no case should you follow the lead. As a last resort, you can play the game “you baby”. Pacifier, diapers, agu agu. But it should be just a game – we started, we finished. The option when gifts are made “from the younger” has become very popular. A baby and a toy for an older child are brought from the hospital. This is not a bad idea, but you need to be careful with it, because there is a risk of awakening self-interest in the child. Let me give you my example: my younger sister was born when I was six years old. I was really looking forward to her, I was happy. But one day we all went to visit, and I suddenly realized that now I was not in the spotlight, but she. Then I was very scared and upset. In this situation, I did not have enough attention from my mother, her moral support. If she had then immediately talked to me, I would have experienced the situation much easier.

How to help an older child

Our expert gives some tips on how to behave with an older child if you notice that he is jealous of the younger one.

– Help him voice his fear. If he himself is not ready to formulate it, list the options that he may be afraid of until you get to the right one.

– Talk about this fear. To explain that you love him anyway, just the little one now, due to circumstances, needs special care.

– To tell that he is the eldest, that he has a special, very important role.

– Be sure to ask if you have calmed down.

– Return to this conversation several times if you see that it still worries him.

– Find time to be alone with him.

– To teach to take care of the baby, to help you. But don’t force! And don’t be afraid to trust. Let the most elementary things, but the elder must feel his involvement.

PS Divide the roles and do not be afraid of anything

Depending on the position in the family, the subsequent perception of life is also formed in children. The older brother is more responsible. The younger often tries to compete with the older, who is an example for him. And gladly accepts someone else’s care. As a rule, the older sister develops a more “masculine” independent character, the younger one is more frivolous. And then there are middle children, they have the strangest, most incomprehensible situation. It seems to be not the elder, but not the younger either. And how the roles are ultimately distributed depends only on the parents.

And if you still doubt whether it is worth having a second child – what if they don’t become friends! – do not hesitate. Of course it is. And you will succeed.