They come to visit unannounced, call many times a day and always talk only about themselves. They need something from you all the time, and not only in difficult periods of life, but constantly. How to build relationships with such people without losing friendship? Life coach Sarah Cunningham talks about it.
Such a need for communication can be caused by a job change, divorce, or the death of a loved one. Out of desperation, we turn to friends for help and support, and this can often seem annoying from the outside. Therefore, it is important to remember that friends may have a crisis in their lives and they really need help. But some require attention not only in difficult periods of life, but constantly. Such friendship is exhausting. These people seem to be in a crisis situation all the time.
They can call several times a day, write endless messages on social networks. Any conversation is dragged out beyond measure, or incredibly long voice messages are recorded, where they tell in great detail what is bothering them.
They may constantly interrogate us about what we do or who we associate with, and complain that we do not give them the attention they deserve. They may show up regularly without warning. And, unlike most people, they won’t leave until you ask them to.
Decide in advance how much time you can have for the meeting
Many would advise to completely cut off relations with such people. But in most cases, friendship with them can be maintained by changing the style of communication. Here are some tips on how to build healthy boundaries in a relationship without losing a friend.
Suggest an alternative
When they want to share their secrets with us or get advice, this is usually flattering. But if this results in many hours of conversation, during which you have to analyze in detail the entire life of the interlocutor, it begins to tire.
If your interactions have turned into psychotherapy sessions, it is best to express support while offering to seek help and information from other sources or professionals. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry you got into this situation. But unfortunately I can’t help you any further. Maybe you should look for a counseling psychologist or a psychological support group or talk to the human resources department?
By showing a friend a useful book or suggesting that they turn to a more informed person, we help, but at the same time we do not take responsibility for his life.
Meet not just to chat
It’s good if during the meeting you can be distracted by something else from endless conversations. Go to a concert, a movie, a bowling alley, karaoke, or the gym. In this case, you will be able to talk, but there will be something to do in addition to talking, so many hours of tedious discussions will most likely be avoided.
By letting a friend bore us, we may end up overwhelmed by the annoyance and end the friendship.
It is worth saying in advance how much time you can take for a meeting. For example: “I really want to go bowling with you! True, I only have time until eight in the evening, then other things. You can also suggest not to go to the meeting place together, but to meet there.
Control telephone and Internet communication
If we define the rules of communication in advance, it will be easier for us to control it. For example, we may decide that we will not respond to text messages after dinner when we are spending time with family. You may have to explain to a friend: “I’m sorry I didn’t answer right away. Yesterday after dinner I played with the children.
We can put a limit on the duration of telephone conversations: for example, 20 minutes. When this time expires, explain that you have things to do and it’s not about him at all: “Oh my God, I completely forgot about the time. We’ve been chatting for 20 minutes, and I still have a lot of things to do today. Let’s call another time.”
The first time you set such restrictions, you may feel awkward. But these measures are useful not only for you, but also for your friend. They do not destroy, but save friendship. After all, by allowing a friend to tire us, we may eventually not cope with irritation, and this will put an end to all friendship.
By consciously setting limits, we are honest about our needs. Pretending that we are happy with everything, when in fact it is far from being the case, is to undermine the relationship. It is necessary to leave enough personal space for each other so that the friendship grows stronger and develops.
About the Author: Sarah Raymond Cunningham is a life coach.