Masters of communication always pay attention to the tone of voice of the interlocutor and non-verbal cues. Often it turns out to be more important than the words that he utters. We tell you how to respond to biased criticism and false accusations against you.
Secrets of communication
It is important to be aware of our tone of voice, posture, gestures, head tilt, direction of gaze, breathing, facial expressions and movements. Nodding, smiling, laughing, frowning, assenting (“clear”, “yeah”), we show the speaker that we are really listening to his words.
When the other person has finished speaking, repeat their main points in your own words. For example: “I would like to clarify. I understand you are talking about…” It is important not to repeat his words like a parrot, but to paraphrase them from yourself — this helps to establish a dialogue and better remember what was said.
It is worth thinking about motivation by asking yourself: what am I trying to achieve, what is the purpose of the conversation — to win the argument or to find mutual understanding? If one of the interlocutors only wants to hurt the other, condemn, take revenge, prove something or put himself in a favorable light, this is not communication, but a demonstration of superiority.
Criticism and accusations, including false ones, can be answered with, for example: «It’s really terrible!», «I understand that you are angry» or «Never thought about it in such a way.» We just let him know that he was heard. Instead of indulging in explanations, retaliatory criticism, or starting to defend ourselves, we can do otherwise.
How to respond to an angry interlocutor?
- We can agree with the interlocutor. For example: “I guess it’s really hard to communicate with me.” We do not agree with the facts that he says, we only admit that he has certain feelings. Feelings (as well as assessments and opinions) are subjective—they are not based on facts.
- We can recognize that the interlocutor is dissatisfied: «It’s always unpleasant when this happens.» We do not need to long and hard to refute his accusations, trying to earn forgiveness for what we have done wrong to him. We don’t have to defend ourselves against trumped-up charges, he’s not a judge, and we’re not the accused. It’s not a crime and we don’t have to prove our innocence.
- We can say, «I see that you are angry.» This is not an admission of guilt. We simply observe his tone, words, and body language and draw that conclusion. We acknowledge his emotional pain.
- We can say, “It must make you angry when this happens. I understand you, it would piss me off too. We show that we take him and his feelings seriously. In this way, we demonstrate that we respect his right to feel indignation, despite the fact that he found a far from the best way to express feelings.
- We can calm down and control our anger by saying to ourselves, “What difference does it make. Just because he said it didn’t make it true. He just felt that way at that moment. This is not a fact. It’s just his opinion and his perception.»
Phrases to answer
- «Yes, sometimes it really does seem that way.»
- «You’re probably right about something.»
- «I don’t know how you can stand it.»
- “It’s really, really annoying. I do not know what to say».
- «It’s really terrible.»
- «Thank you for bringing this to my attention.»
- «I’m sure you’ll come up with something.»
As you say this, be careful not to sound sarcastic, dismissive, or provocative. Imagine that you went to travel by car and got lost. You don’t know where you are and you’re not sure what to do. Stop and ask for directions? Turn around? Looking for a place to sleep?
You are confused, worried and don’t know where to go. You do not know what is happening and why the interlocutor began to throw false accusations. Answer him slowly, gently, but at the same time clearly and balancedly.
About the author: Aaron Carmine is a clinical psychologist at Urban Balance Psychological Services in Chicago.