Existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova tells how to say unpleasant things to another in such a way as not to offend him as much as possible.
Let’s try to break this subtle communication ability into a series of stages or steps. It is clear that sensitive criticism should never be heard in the presence of third parties. The first rule is confidentiality. How to achieve this? You can ask a person to give you time to talk, of course, to apologize that you are taking up his time. It might sound something like this: “Excuse me, please, I need to talk to you, can you give me 5 minutes during my lunch break?” If you know that the person is very sensitive or sensitive to criticism, or very anxious, then you can add another phrase, the humane meaning of which is to give the person time so that he can prepare for the conversation. “You know, this is not a very easy conversation for me, and I’m worried that it might not be very comfortable for you either. But I still decided to talk, because I really value our relationship.”
Then you meet without witnesses, and then already without any bluff, very specifically, talk about those facts that are a problem for you. You say “when…” or “in such-and-such a situation” and then you say “I feel such-and-such”. That is, you do not choose the form “you are so-and-so, you are doing something wrong”, but the only acceptable form for a delicate conversation about unpleasant things, the form in which we ourselves are responsible for our own experiences. “Every time I hear you talking harshly to your grandmother, I feel this and that.” You talk about the circumstances that made you feel what.
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Next stage: the most paradoxical and the most impressive. You don’t demand anything more from your counterpart, you don’t “run over” him anymore, you say something else: “I’m sorry that I took your time, in fact, that’s all I wanted to say, sorry again if it was embarrassing for you.” That is, at the very moment when a person is ready to start making excuses or being offended, you suddenly begin to apologize and say that you understand that you hurt him, that it was unpleasant for him to hear this, and so on. That is, you seem to leave the door open, trusting him so much that he himself can decide what to do and how to relate to your words. The most sensitive topics, when reported in this form, are nevertheless touched to a minimal extent, this form is the most forgiving of all that I know of. It is necessary to start a conversation with the most delicate form, it is the most personal and most effective, because a person who has been brought to a state where he needs to make excuses and did not take advantage of this weakness of his, after some time will be motivated by great deep gratitude to you for this delicacy. And decide to go forward.