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Our housing, even if it is a small dorm room, should be a place where it is good and cozy. But often it turns out quite the opposite: it turns into a space where you can throw out all the negativity accumulated during the day, where you can arrange a “dressing” for loved ones from the threshold. How to make the house a source of strength and inspiration? We deal with an expert.
After a hard working week, thoughts about the house evoke only negative emotions for many: you need to cook, check the lessons, sort out scattered things in places, go for intimacy with your spouse. And I want only one thing: to hide so that no one sees or touches.
At work with strangers, we behave differently, because in society it is not customary to talk about our fatigue. It turns out that during the working day we fight for recognition, suppressing our own emotions and desires.
If you accumulate negativity in yourself, a person will not be enough for a long time. It is laid down by nature in such a way that tension must go somewhere in order to protect the nervous system from exhaustion. Irritability, aggression, dissatisfaction, nit-picking, biting phrases – all this is also part of the body’s defensive reaction.
Those close to us always get stronger from us, because they love us and accept us in any way. But if you constantly use family members as a container for draining fatigue and tension, this will not lead to anything good.
The spouse will not understand that lectures about the lack of attention are a plea for help and a search for support. And a three-year-old baby is unlikely to be able to draw a parallel between screams due to scattered toys and mom’s fatigue at work.
A few simple rules will help to return home and spend time there with joy.
1. Stop looking for the main
In a fairy tale where the animals argued who was scarier and stronger than whom, the elephant won. But only the elephant himself was not happy with this news: he is actually strong, but why should he be the most terrible?
Likewise at home. It doesn’t matter if matriarchy, patriarchy or partnerships reign in your family. You should not fight for the right to be the most important and the most powerful. Each family member has his own area of responsibility, but at the same time, the role of any is important and significant.
2. Learn to say “no”
To be comfortable, to put other people’s interests above your own, is not good intentions. And respecting one’s own desires is not selfishness. Before helping someone, ask yourself: can I make time for this? Will I have to stay late to fulfill my duties? Will I then hurry to finish my work?
If at least one question raises doubts, do not be afraid to refuse. Say you’ll be happy to help once you’ve completed your tasks. This is not a manifestation of rudeness, but a competent distribution of one’s own resources.
The same rule applies at home. If you need to sort out your bags after the store, and also go to the toilet and change clothes, you don’t need to deny yourself this in order to run, in street clothes, set the table and feed the whole family.
3. Learn to build personal boundaries
If you do not like that the child pulls your hair, you do not need to endure discomfort, accumulating aggression inside. If your child does not like that you hug and kiss him at any opportunity, stop doing this, respect the wishes of loved ones.
Living in one area, in a limited space is always difficult. Everyone has their own characteristics and needs, in some ways they have to give in to each other, and in some ways, on the contrary, they have to mark the boundaries.
4. Don’t Suppress Your Desires
By suppressing their desires, people lose themselves. In this case, the house is the last place where you want to return. It is in the native walls that it becomes unbearable because of the feeling of inferiority. Make time for your true desires. Review your priorities.
Instead of ironing sheets perfectly, read a book, buy or save money for a robotic vacuum cleaner, let it clean while you do yoga.
On the road, while cooking, listen to audio books, watch training courses, and while walking with your child in the park, you can work out at least 20 minutes. The fulfillment of even minor desires will help you realize your significance.
5. Respect the opinion of every family member
Do not neglect the opinions of other people, especially when it comes to loved ones. Everyone has the right to express their point of view, even a child. Diplomatically explain the reason for the refusal, never leave your decision in limbo.
Such tactics will teach children to behave correctly in society, and any family conflict will never turn into a scandal. If all family members adhere to this rule, tension and nervousness will fade into the background as soon as you cross the threshold of the house.
6. Don’t blame others
Do not leave loved ones alone with their personal problems. First, show sympathy, be supportive. Try to resolve the situation together and only then conduct educational conversations.
There is nothing worse than telling a person “it’s your own fault, you yourself and clear up” at a moment when he does not know what to do.
Only in this way will your home become a place where you want to return, no matter what. Troubles will remain beyond the threshold as soon as you start working on yourself.
About expert
Victoria Dmitrieva is a psychologist and author of the bestseller “It’s a Child”, an expert on the online educational platform for personality development Mental Market.