“It seemed to you”, “I was just joking”, “there was nothing like that.” If they regularly try to convince you that you misunderstand everything, feel it wrong and remember it wrong, it is likely that you are experiencing gaslighting. How to determine this and, most importantly, how not to let yourself be confused?
Gaslighting is a fairly new phenomenon in the world of psychotherapy. The attention this term has attracted has helped many people recognize the specific dysfunctions that arise in their relationships. This technique of psychological manipulation involves suggesting to another person one’s own truth, pursuing one’s own benefit.
How to recognize a gaslighter? What will help him resist?
1. Learn to recognize gaslighting. Even if the gaslighter is a person close to you and does not want harm, at this moment his task is to make you think in a way that suits him. To avoid falling into this trap, you need to understand what tricks gaslighters use.
- The gaslighter often says phrases that question your feelings: “you made it all up”, “you are exaggerating this situation”, “you are being dramatic”, “you are crazy”.
- Track changes in your behavior. For example, at the moment of gaslighting, you begin to fall under the influence of others in order not to enter into a conflict, although before you always defended your point of view. It also happens that gaslighting destroys your self-esteem: you doubt yourself, believe that you are a terrible, selfish and unreasonable person.
2. Keep a personal diary. This technique is used by specialists when working with victims of psychological manipulation. Why is this needed? Journaling helps you understand your feelings. You won’t be able to devalue yourself and pretend like nothing’s happening if you record your emotions from contact with a gaslighter.
3. Try to talk to the offender. A gaslighter is not always a psychopath and an abuser. Often a partner, parent, or boss simply wants to avoid responsibility or blame. At the same time, he does not realize that he has a negative impact on your psycho-emotional state. Talk to the gaslighter, explain to him what it looks like from your side. If you are dear to this person, he will begin to track his behavior and work on himself.
4. Collect evidence of gaslighting. If adequate dialogue is not possible, record the words of the gaslighter on a voice recorder, video, or conduct a conversation in front of witnesses. This method will help you teach him a lesson, show that jokes are bad with you.
5. Trust only yourself. Maintaining common sense is very important when dealing with a gaslighter. Do not be ashamed that your truth is different from what they want to inspire you. The goal of a gaslighter is to make you believe in your own inadequacy. Gather strength to resist it.
6. Understand why you chose a gaslighter to communicate with. Perhaps this is your friend or partner. The question arises – why do you maintain this connection? In a dependent relationship, there is always not only an abuser, but also his victim, or rather, an object. And here’s what’s interesting – often the object of gaslighting is not the first time it enters into a relationship with a manipulator. Why are you making this choice?
Did your parent also gaslight you? And now you are repeating the childhood scenario in your relationship with your partner and unconsciously, like many years ago, are you trying to earn parental love in them?
In any case, you should understand: no matter how much you love a person, psychological abuse is a good reason to end a relationship. If the gaslighter categorically does not notice his mistakes and manipulations, this sometimes means a banal unwillingness to notice them. This means that the chances of reaching an agreement and building a warm, trusting relationship are small.