We habitually associate this term with a career, but burnout can also occur in family life, and in motherhood, and even in creativity. How to recognize it? How to distinguish from depression? And most importantly, how to deal with it?
Most of us believe that burnout is about someone else. I myself thought the same. At the word “burnout”, I mentally imagined an empty aluminum sleeve from under a tea candle, and in it, on the bottom, the remnant of a burnt wick. No, it’s definitely not about me. It seems to us that such things happen only to those who work day and night for wear and tear, literally burning at work. We habitually explain our own state of being by fatigue, but this is the quiet insidiousness of burnout — it creeps up unnoticed.
At some point, you realize that only that burnt wick remained from the warm flame inside. When did I notice the symptoms of burnout in myself? Probably, when positive emotions disappeared, and slight irritation took their place. “Is this really it? Can not be! I’m a psychologist!
I was convinced of the correctness of my suspicions later, when I myself came to psychotherapy. Remember the old anecdote about fake Christmas decorations, which are all right, but they «do not please»? That’s what I had as well. It’s not that they didn’t please me, but I didn’t want to get involved in the New Year’s fuss at all, put up a Christmas tree, decorate the house, and run after gifts. And after the New Year holidays, nothing has changed. Then it became clear that it was time to change something.
In my case, not all of the “candle” burned out. The word «burnout» very accurately speaks of what is happening inside a person — he feels exactly burned out. At first, this may not be particularly noticeable: well, a person has no mood. Well, no strength, no emotions. Just think, it happens to everyone, everyone gets tired, and in general life is a difficult thing.
In order not to be so painful, the psyche turns off emotions, protecting itself. The body begins to work in energy saving mode
But if you missed the first calls, then over time, the thin sound of a warning bell turns into a deafening ring. There is a feeling of anxiety, dissatisfaction with everything and everyone. I do not want to communicate even with relatives. Work that used to be a joy is no longer pleasant. What brought joy and pleasure, begins to annoy more and more. Gradually, irritation towards colleagues and relatives grows, self-esteem falls. There are bouts of despair.
In this state, it becomes increasingly difficult to communicate with people. The world is drawn in black and gray colors. Everything is perceived sharply, painfully. And in order not to be so painful, the psyche turns off emotions, protecting itself. The body begins to work in energy-saving mode, spending energy only on the most necessary. To ensure vital processes. And then comes indifference to everything. This is the deafening sound.
It is important to remember that the resources of the mind and body are not infinite. For example, we cannot stay awake for a long time, the body needs sleep. Giving 100% at work every day is also impossible. Each of us has his own limit, and it depends on so many factors. From the way of life of a person, from the situation in which he is now, from the time of year and time of day.
For example, we spend much more energy than usual on communicating with unpleasant people. And if a person regularly crosses this limit, exhaustion begins, followed by burnout.
Depression is rooted in fear; burnout is rooted in anger. The symptoms are so similar that it can be difficult for specialists to tell them apart.
From the point of view of psychosomatics, those who had a bad relationship with a parent of the same sex suffer from burnout in childhood. This situation in the family becomes the foundation of many problems. The child tries with all his might to earn the attention of his parents, to earn their love. And he continues to do so as an adult. For example, he transfers the role of his parent to the boss and tries to earn his love, or at least recognition of his merits. If this does not happen, self-esteem falls, self-confidence evaporates. There is a feeling of futility. “It’s like I’m fighting windmills,” one of my clients described this state with such words.
It used to be assumed that burnout could only be caused by work. But now I’m increasingly seeing burnout in the family. It happens when you don’t enjoy what you do for the family. When your contribution exceeds the return. Everything you do is taken for granted. Although both work in the family and work in the office have a lot in common. By and large, the family is also work, only without days off.
Many of my clients complain that they do not receive support from loved ones. It seems to a woman that she is doomed to «pull the strap.» In the evening you tell your family that you are tired, and in response you hear: “What did you do all day? You are at home!”
After these words, there is a feeling of helplessness, resentment, hopelessness and — most often — anger. It is he who is behind the resentment and helplessness. This is, in my opinion, the main difference between burnout syndrome and depression. Depression is rooted in fear; burnout is rooted in anger. The symptoms are so similar that it can be difficult for specialists to tell them apart.
For most women who have chosen family as their main occupation, burnout has become real. Burnout is also possible in creative people, in those circles where there is fierce competition, for example, in the modeling business.
Usually people with burnout syndrome turn to specialists when they have no strength, no desires, no emotions. In this state, a person ceases to care primarily about himself. But it is through this care that the path to recovery lies.
How to return to the “normal” state, to turn from a black wick back into an even and beautiful flame?
1. We help the inner child. How does a parent express love? Basically, through the body: gentle touches, stroking, hugs. And this is the first thing you can do yourself. Pay attention to your body. Do a self-massage. Rubbing the body with a brush from the bottom up has a very good effect on the lymph. Another option is patting along the meridians that go through the arms and legs from top to bottom and from bottom to top. You can simply massage your neck and shoulders at the moment when you feel tired in the middle of a working day.
2. Leave work problems at work. How? With the help of clothes. When you get home from work, change your clothes. Straightaway. Favorite, comfortable and beautiful. The dressing ritual can turn on or off the role that is so energy-consuming for you. If you have changeable shoes at work, then changing shoes at the end of the day can become this very ritual: when you finish work, you take off your “working” shoes, and with it you leave all the work problems in the office. Likewise at home. Putting on home clothes, you seem to turn on the role that is needed at the moment: hostess, mother, beloved wife.
3. We meditate. This is a daily practice for clearing the mind. It is the restless mind that creates the tension that draws all our strength. Pay attention to this.
To cope with burnout, you need to consciously take steps towards a healthy, balanced life.
4. We connect physical activity. Try to approach them consciously, feel your body during the exercises. Let your mind focus on the sensations in the body, and not on the working moments that were or will be. In this paragraph, I would include any bodily practices — a bath, massage, walking, running, swimming. Feel your body, every muscle!
5. Practice digital detox and breathe. Daily. For a few minutes, turn off all means of communication, computer, music, movies. Practice mindful breathing during this time. Five minutes of observing how you breathe will be enough for the body to recharge. It’s only your five minutes, no one else’s.
6. Sleep. Healthy sleep is the best way to rejuvenate. Try to gradually reduce activity in the evening. To avoid insomnia, you can brew a soothing tea with lemon balm, valerian, motherwort or mint. Get enough sleep! This is my favorite medicine for various diseases, and it really helps.
These are pretty simple tips, and they are within the power of each of us. It is important to understand that burnout will not go away on its own. To cope with it, you need to consciously take steps towards a healthy, balanced life. Even if these steps are very tiny, the main thing is to do them every day.