Being able to speak frankly with your partner about your wants and needs strengthens the relationship. But this is not easy to do: we are afraid that the partner will perceive the expressed desires as a claim. Psychotherapist Esther Perel and psychologist-sexologist Galina Dmitrieva tell how to diversify your sex life without hurting each other.
18+
A client came to me, Marie, 35 years old. “We have been married for six years, everything is fine in bed, but it’s very banal. Frankly, I was very excited by the book and the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey”, and I would like to try something new, but this idea scares my husband. In any case, every time I talk about this topic, everything ends in a quarrel,” she complains.
Marie says that when she met her husband Dan, she had much more sexual experience:
“I made the mistake of telling him how many men I slept with. I think it makes him feel insecure. How can I fix everything so that we can finally spice up our sex lives?”
Long before the release of the sensational book and film, I was approached by many couples with similar problems.
A vivid example: she tries to tell her partner about her desires, but it sounds like a demand or criticism, and it would not hurt him to become more open to her requests, learn to hear them from a position of love and care, and not control.
No matter how well you know your partner, trying to read his mind is a futile undertaking.
She complains: “I tried to tell him, but he can’t hear me. I do whatever pleases him – how many times will I have to ask to get what I want? He doesn’t seem to care.”
To which the partner usually replies: “When I do something that she does not like, she reacts with aggression. No matter what I do, it’s bad for her.” Familiar situation?
To begin with, Marie should discuss with her husband their life together over the past six years, talk about how they both changed and matured, how their bond strengthened and relationships developed, not only sexual ones.
Marie could start talking about her desires by asking what her husband wants: does he want to get something else from her in sex?
We can discuss what Dan thinks about diversifying their sex life: what does he think will come of it? What is the worst or best thing that can happen?
If her husband brings up her past sexual experiences, Marie may emphasize that marriage with him is her choice, and sex is just one aspect of the relationship.
When you try something new together, you are both equally inexperienced.
Most likely, Dan is worried about whether he is good enough in bed, and therefore perceives any feedback as criticism. This is true for many men.
It is important not only to give feedback, but also to do it right. When you try something new together, you are both equally inexperienced.
Keep this in mind and try to approach experiments in bed as a sexual game.
Marie, like many women, tends to think that a man understands the erotic needs of his partner without words. But often women themselves cannot fully understand their own fantasies.
Discuss with your partner what turns you on and start changing your sex life step by step.
“It is important to choose the right moment and approach”
Galina Dmitrieva, psychologist-sexologist, expert of the leading network for teaching women sexual techniques “Training Center “SEX.RF”
Discussing sexual needs outside of sex, at the conditional “negotiating table” offered by Esther Perel, is the most difficult way, requiring maximum maturity, openness, as well as acceptance and awareness of their sexual desires from partners.
For most Russian couples, this option is unrealistic due to the fact that the topic of sex in Russia has been taboo for quite a long time, and is still “indecent” for many people.
Therefore, for unprepared couples, it is easiest to voice sexual desires at a time when both partners are excited and ready for sex. Then they are perceived as a proposal, and not as an offensive remark or dissatisfaction.
The actions themselves depend on how the couple decided to diversify their sex. It can be toys and electronic sex gadgets, intimate cosmetics, new types of sex and technology, costumes and lingerie, or it can just be poses and rhythm.
In each case, you need your own approach so as not to frighten or embarrass your partner with sexual innovations.
For example, each of our trainings includes a theoretical part, where a sexologist tells how to present this or that new technique or game. There is even a whole classification of men developed by our specialists according to their temperament and degree of readiness for certain sexual experiments.
Another general rule is to use only “I-statement” when voicing your desires, which focuses on your feelings, and not on a claim to a partner.
For example, instead of “I don’t like the way you move, I need to slow down,” you need to say “I want to feel how you slowly move in me, it’s such a thrill.”
Don’t forget about the enthusiasm in your voice. If your eyes are “burning” and you say “let’s try” and not “I don’t like it”, then your partner will not have the feeling that you are unhappy with him. Which means it won’t close.
If you’re afraid to invite your partner to try something new in bed on a normal day, feel free to time the “sex update” for Valentine’s Day, the anniversary of your first kiss, or any other “personal” holiday.
About the Developer
Esther Perel – Belgian psychotherapist, specialist in the field of cultural and social stereotypes that affect relationships in a couple. More details on her website.