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It is always hard to see how a loved one is trying to cope with psychological problems. It may be obvious to us as observers that a friend, partner, or family member needs the help of a qualified professional, such as a psychologist or psychotherapist. But he himself may not be eager to make an appointment. How to convince him? Here’s what the experts advise.
Someone who puts off a visit to a psychologist, even if he is in dire need of help, is easy to understand. First, therapy is expensive and almost never covered by insurance. Secondly, finding a specialist can be difficult, especially in a small town. Finally, many find it difficult to even imagine what it is like to open up to a complete stranger.
On the other hand, we can understand that a loved one needs qualified help, and the sooner the better. How to push him towards it? This should be done as delicately as possible. Here’s what the pros recommend.
Choose the right time and place to talk
“The topic itself is quite personal, if not touchy,” explains psychologist Brandi Lewis. “So it’s hardly worth picking it up at, say, a family dinner. You don’t want to embarrass your loved one or put him in an awkward position?”
He advises discussing this issue in private, ideally when the conversation about it comes by itself. Then you can express your concern and your proposal will sound appropriate.
But it’s definitely not worth talking about this in the midst of a dispute, psychotherapist Judy Sineas is sure. “When you are both on emotions, the interlocutor will hardly be able to perceive your words correctly. They will sound to him not as a manifestation of concern, but as instructions from a position from above: they say that something is wrong with you, and now they will quickly explain to you what to do.
If your loved one has never been in a therapist’s office before, the very idea of having to sit in front of a stranger and tell them their whole life with all the secrets and problems can be downright scary. If you share your positive experience, it will help him relax a little.
“Try to remember what worried you yourself before the first session, and tell us how you coped with all this,” counseling psychologist Matt Smith advises.
If you yourself have never been to a psychotherapist and do not know anyone who would have had a positive experience, the Internet will help you. Clinical psychologist Shelley Sommerfeldt advises looking for the stories of people who have benefited from therapy and sharing them when you get the chance. This will allow a loved one to understand that he is not the only one who needs help and that there is nothing shameful in asking for it.
“Right now, it may seem to your relative that he will never feel better. By retelling the stories of people whose lives have improved through therapy, you will help him understand that there is still hope and that going to a psychotherapist is the same everyday procedure as, say, a visit to the dentist.
Explain why you think he needs therapy
When someone is told they “need” to seek psychological help, it can sound pretty hurtful, says clinical psychologist Cristina Iglesia, who launched the hashtag campaign (“Therapy is cool”). So it’s important to talk about why you’re suggesting it. “For example, you could say, ‘I see how difficult it is for you right now, and I’m sure that with the support of a therapist, it will be easier for you to cope with everything.’ This will help your loved one understand that you really care about him.
Choose your words carefully
Clinical psychologist Carla Maria Mantley says you need to be careful what you say and how you say it. For example, you can phrase it like this: “I love you very much, and it pains me to see how you fight stress (depression, anxiety, etc.). I was told here about a therapist who just specializes in this topic. Do you want me to try to get his contacts?
Or: “I am your friend (parent, sister, etc.) and I will always support you in everything. Thank you for sharing with me what is happening to you. You know, I think a therapist could help you. I will always listen to you and support you, but I am not a professional. Let me ask my friends if they have a good specialist?
Or: “It seems that every day it’s getting harder for you. I found a support group – they meet on Monday evenings. Can we go together?”
Try to destigmatize this topic
The topic of mental health is surrounded by many myths, says neuropsychologist Katherine Jackson. When you offer therapy, try not to make things worse. Mental health is just as important as physical health.
“Having broken a leg, we do not passively wait until everything heals by itself. No, we go to the doctor and trust him with the treatment process. It’s the same with mental problems,” she recalls. “Don’t sit back and wait for things to get better.”
Remember that therapy is only effective if the client makes an effort.
“In order for a person to feel better, he must want it himself and understand why he came to the appointment,” says psychologist Mark Borg. “I often tell clients that therapy will end when you no longer have any reason to come to me. For the “miracle of therapy” to happen, a person must be active.”
How to achieve this? Borg advises to talk with a loved one about what is happening in his life now, and try to find the roots of current problems together. Perhaps this is how he realizes that he will not be able to move on without the help of a therapist.
Offer to find a suitable specialist
“It is very important that your relative or partner is comfortable working with a psychotherapist – there will be fewer reasons to quit,” explains counseling psychologist Christy Jenkins. She advises making a list of possible therapists, as well as sharing links to resources with a loved one where you can find a specialist.
Find out how your friend or relative imagines the ideal therapist. Is it a man or a woman? What age is he/she? Is it important that it be a generalist or a professional who specializes in specific conditions?
Get ready for resistance
Marriage and family specialist Sheila Tucker advises to prepare in advance for the fact that a loved one will resist, not be offended by this, and prepare to actively listen. “Do not discount the feelings of a loved one – he or she has every right to them. Give them time to get used to the idea of needing therapy.”
And, of course, it is worth considering the financial side of the issue in advance. If a loved one is now experiencing financial difficulties, it is worth initially looking for free specialists or those whose services are as cheap as possible (including considering the possibility of online consultations).
Finally, she reminds you that even if you are sure that therapy will help your friend or relative, he simply may not be ready for it – at least not yet. And this fact must be understood and accepted.