How to Connect with Your Shadow

Shadow in psychology

The first to speak about the Shadow, not as an optical phenomenon, but as a psychological concept, was Carl Jung. So he called the area of ​​our psyche that we are not aware of, repress or deny. These are the qualities that we, if we demonstrate, then in extreme, emotionally difficult situations. And then we are surprised at ourselves: “This is not at all like me, because I never scream.” 

Why is it bad, because we’re just trying to be the best version of ourselves? According to Yulia Tertyshnaya, author and leading practitioner of the generation of resource states, in this way we deprive ourselves of psychic energy. We «lock» one part of it, because it is wrong. And we spend another one on keeping this door closed — that is, to control ourselves.  

We do not live at full capacity, because of which we lack the strength and determination to implement ideas. In addition, it is difficult for us to express ourselves, it is difficult to be socially active. 

How the Shadow Forms and Manifests

It is conditionally possible to distinguish three large areas that contribute to the formation of the Shadow:

• environment (school, sports sections, significant adults), the atmosphere in the area where the personality of a growing person was formed;

• family (parents, brothers, sisters and other close relatives);

• traumatic situations, non-standard events that happened, perhaps only once.

Growing up, we do not remember the episodes that traumatized us. And even more so, we do not remember the background that was present in our environment in childhood. But on the other hand, we keep in mind the attitudes-beliefs that were formed when we promised ourselves to be good, and moved with us into adulthood. What are they?

• I must not be worse than others

• Healthy people don’t get upset

• Men don’t complain

• A successful career and a happy personal life are impossible together.

• I disappear at work for the future of my children

• It’s bad when things go wrong

• There is only one true love

• I often cannot afford the ways that others do

  reach their goal.

Guided by these and other beliefs, we perform actions, make choices. They determine our worldview, attitude towards ourselves, towards others, towards the world. We can say that this is the basis of the foundations of personality. The foundation on which she stands. And through these beliefs, we can catch our Shadow — after all, for sure, while we strongly believe in something, something no less important remains behind the scenes.

How to work with Shadow

How can we understand what qualities of ourselves we deny? And how then to learn to accept them? To do this, Julia Tertyshnaya recommends two exercises.

Exercise № 1

Close your eyes and remember the time when you were 3-5 years old. Where did you live, what was the view from the window. What adults surrounded you, with whom did you connect the most. What you were, what you looked like. And remember what you were scolded for the most. What did you hear when significant adults were unhappy with you? What phrases were heard most often? What did you hear about yourself during those years?

Now imagine that you, as adults, approach that little child. Look at him. What qualities did he give up when he was scolded again? From what self? Walk up and tell him that he survived. That now he has you and he does not need to give up these qualities. 

Tell them that they will fit in you as an adult, you can handle them. With any desires and emotions. Say that this is the most expensive child for you and it can be anything. If he is ready to hug you, hug you, take him in your arms and stay close to him. And then let go of that memory.

Open your eyes and write down those qualities that you then abandoned. But do not analyze whether the parents, caregivers or other children were right. Now every morning when you look in the mirror, look into your eyes. Yes, your body has changed, but the eyes are the same — the eyes of that child. Look into them and allow him these qualities.

Life hack. If you can’t remember yourself, look at your childhood photos or refer to family legends — you must have been told what kind of child you were. If none of this helps, then you should go to a psychologist to understand what happened during that period, that your psyche forced out memories.

Exercise # 2 

Think of the people you don’t like. It’s good if you know them personally. If there are none, then remember the characters from the Internet or TV. What qualities in them annoy you? Not the stories associated with them, but the qualities. Anger, excessive theatricality, emotionality … 

Write these qualities on a piece of paper and try them on yourself. For example, if you are annoyed by greedy people, try to say internally: “I am Julia, I am greedy.” Of course, resistance can rise in you — «I’m not like that.» Then you should talk to your parents, friends, partner — and they will tell you whether you are like that or not. Probably yes. 

Notice how you feel with this quality. Once you take it, it gets easier. And even if the first reaction is negative, after that there will be lightness from freedom. Because now you can be yourself. 

What gives us work with the Shadow