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Physical pleasure plays an important role in relationship satisfaction. But it’s not just the frequency of sexual contact. It is much more important to overcome physical alienation and create intimacy. Here are some tips on how to do it.
According to surveys, about 51% of women and 42% of men aged 18-80 experience sexual difficulties. The lack of physical desire itself is not a problem, as long as it suits you and your partner. But this is not always the case. Together with Mikaela Thomas, a psychologist and author of Love Lives Forever, we will try to figure out what problems in intimate life can be connected with and how to help yourself and your partner overcome them.
Threat system
Taking off our clothes in front of a person and having an intimate relationship with him, we seem to take off our protection, we find ourselves extremely vulnerable. For some, discomfort arises at this moment and a kind of “threat system” is activated. You no longer want to cuddle and have sex — the mood is missed.
Here are some reasons why the threat system is activated:
you do not like your appearance, you consider yourself imperfect and unattractive;
you are under pressure, as if you are required to be the perfect lover / mistress, always achieve orgasm;
you are afraid of being abandoned or do not feel safe;
you are overwhelmed with thoughts about what needs to be done around the house, about work, about children and life problems;
you feel ashamed, do not allow yourself to enjoy intimacy, or feel embarrassed because you enjoy a particular type of sex;
you worry that the children will wake up or something will go wrong during sex;
you feel angry about other relationship problems
you anticipate that it will hurt.
With these thoughts and experiences, the body tenses up, it is difficult for partners to relax and plunge headlong into pleasant sensations.
More doesn’t mean better
Often the pleasure of intimate life spoils the prejudice that there should be a lot of sex. “Everyone has sex more than we do” is the most common misconception about physical intimacy in partnerships. In fact, the frequency of sexual intercourse is not such an important indicator of relationship satisfaction. The British National Survey on Sexual Preferences and Habits (Natsal) found that, on average, respondents aged 16-74 have sex about three times a month. Moreover, 29% of respondents under 44 did not have sex at all a month before the survey.
Quality is more important than quantity when it comes to sex and long-term relationships. But how to increase it?
In order to establish a sexual life, it is important for us first of all to calm the «threat system» and start the «stimulus system» (desires and rewards), where pleasure, joy and inspiration await you.
Here are some ways to do it.
You can create a menu of intimate activities that will help you get out of the usual routine of following one scenario: «kiss, strip and let’s go.»
If you think that sex is only penetration, then you are missing out on a lot of delicious «meals». Take the time to write down all the activities you enjoy by creating your own “intimacy menu” to expand your sexual repertoire.
Conscious Sensuality
By accepting and not judging each other and yourself, you can explore your sexuality and expand your intimate repertoire. Engage all five senses for a richer sensory experience.
Vision
Take a look at your partner, mentally map all the curves of his body. With love and empathy, pay attention to how the female body has changed after childbirth, how the muscles of the partner who works hard physically, note the signs of aging. Our body is so interesting to study; think about the path he had to go through over the years.
Hearing
Listen to the surrounding sounds (for example, if music is playing), and then focus on your partner’s breathing. This can slow down or speed up your own breathing rhythm due to synchronicity. Put your head on your partner’s chest and listen to his heartbeat: do you feel secure and at peace? Listen for subtle sounds as your hands stroke your partner’s body.
Smell
Take a deep breath and notice your partner’s scent: freshly washed hair, perfume, aftershave. What does your partner smell like when he wakes up in the morning? Stick your nose into the crook of his neck and smell it: what memories does it bring up? We sniff our babies because it helps to strengthen the bond between us, but our partner’s scent also strengthens the bond.
Taste
Use your taste buds to intensify every kiss. Take your time to enjoy the moment when your lips touch the lips of your partner, as if you are tasting ripe strawberries from your own garden. Let the kiss cause you the same sweet anticipation, even if you have eaten a lot of strawberries in your whole life. Try disabling the autopilot and focus all your attention on the taste and aroma of the kiss; feel the warmth spread through your body. Experiment with kissing, increasing or decreasing the ardor and heat. Does it affect the enjoyment you get?
Touch
Explore your partner’s body using different parts of your hand to vary your sensations. How would you feel if you put a warm hand on your partner or lightly run your fingers up and down his back? Alternate pressure and light touch, observing the sensations. Now it’s your partner’s turn; while his hands explore your body, close your eyes and imagine the process. Notice how the sensation of touch intensifies as you mentally visualize it.
fantasies
Sexual fantasies help some couples tune in to intimacy. If you fantasize about other people and not about your partner, don’t worry; it is one thing what happens in your thoughts, and quite another thing is what you do in real life. We are often attracted to other people: it is important what we do with this attraction and what meaning it has for us.
Do you fantasize about the other person because you fell in love with them and are deeply unhappy in your current relationship? If so, then you need to decide: work through this dissatisfaction and restore intimacy with a partner or break up.
Or are you fantasizing about someone else just because they’re cute and you needed to relieve tension? Do you still love your partner and are looking for physical intimacy in his arms? Then this is completely innocent entertainment — spice that adds spice to your sex life.