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Forbidding the expression of feelings, neglecting the interests of the child or indulging all his whims is a sure way to destroy a relationship with him. Family therapist Leanne Evila talks about how to build “emotional bridges” between parents and children.
I am a family therapist. Clients constantly ask me about how to establish contact with the child.
Work that takes a lot of energy and strength, exhausting climbing the career ladder, endless running on a wheel – all this does not give us the opportunity to devote as much time to the family as we would like. If you feel like the previous phrase applies to you, you are not alone. Many families come to me with similar problems.
It’s not that hard to get in touch with you. The main thing is to learn to understand the experiences of the child, to treat him with sincere interest.
1. Show interest in his hobbies
I think this is the most important thing. It is not always easy to share the interests of the child, for example, if you support different sports teams. I’m not asking you to love everything he likes. Just show a sincere interest in his hobbies, ask questions.
2. Do not forbid the child to be angry
Children need to express their feelings, anger is a natural emotion. If they are not allowed to express their feelings, they will not learn to do so. If you punish them for expressing anger, they will decide that it is forbidden to express it, and they will accumulate anger in themselves, which in the future can cause many problems: headaches and other health problems. This does not mean that we have the right to express our anger without any concern for the feelings of others.
3.Each child is unique
Children are different: some are more sensitive, others rarely openly show emotions. Children learn to express emotions in many ways: playing in the yard, watching their peers, imitating their parents. A significant role is played by genetic predisposition and the influence of the environment.
Create an atmosphere in the family in which it is allowed to express emotions in different ways. As adults, we are different, and we should not expect all children to behave in the same way.
4. Don’t spoil him too much
It is easy to make such a mistake both for adults who were not allowed to freely express emotions in childhood, and for those who come from poor or single-parent families.
It is important not to spoil the child by trying to create for him a happy childhood, which we were deprived of. If a child does not know the word “no”, he will not learn to respect others. He will believe that he has the right to take anything and do whatever he pleases. Children need limits and want you to set them so that they can tell good from bad. In addition, restrictions teach them self-respect.
5. Be a role model
“Do as I say, not as I do!” – the wrong approach to education. If you tell them not to binge on cookies and you take one after the other, they’ll wonder why you’re doing it. It’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s important to take responsibility for them. The child should know that you can rely on: if you promised to take him to the movies or for a walk in the park, then be sure to keep your word.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, opt for natural foods, drink plenty of water, exercise, and rest when needed.
Parenting is hard work. Make sure that both you and your child enjoy spending time together. It’s never too late to change your behavior to improve your relationship with your child. Even when it seems to you that the child is pushing you away, in fact, he wants you to be around.
About the author: Leanne Evila is a family therapist.