Contents
Wanting to prove our point of view, we often refuse constructive dialogue. And then our dispute turns into a battlefield, where weapons are misunderstanding, resentment and anger. Is it possible to defend your beliefs without destroying the relationship with the interlocutor? Yes, if you follow some rules.
What do we have to do:
Behind our conflicts and the desire to prove something to the interlocutor, fear is often hidden. And in order to better understand both ourselves and the other person, and also to remind ourselves that we are actually on the same side, we need to say what scares us. For example, confess: “It seems to me that if this happens, my familiar world will fall apart.”
It is difficult to discuss any topic if the information on which both we and the interlocutor rely is taken from different sources. To speak in a language understandable to another, these sources need to be exchanged. It doesn’t matter if it’s books, articles, podcasts or movies. True, convincing an opponent that your sources are reliable and valuable can be difficult. But this will already allow us to start a constructive dialogue.
Try to understand someone else’s thought
According to social ethicist Melody Martin, proper dialogue is like any sports game. In order to play basketball, we need to know what is considered a foul and what is not.
It is the same with dialogue: if we do not listen to the interlocutor, then we play without knowing the rules. And without knowing the rules, we lose points — we speak out of place and miss the opportunity for a suitable comment.
Therefore, in order for the conversation to be open, one must carefully listen to what the interlocutor is trying to convey. And reinforce the image of a good listener, using one of the phrases: “If I understand you correctly …” or “It looks like you mean that …”
Teach and learn
Imagine that you are both a teacher and a student in one person. On the one hand, you need to have patience and a desire to teach another person something new, without considering him a fool at the same time. And on the other hand, do not be afraid to be “ignorant”.
Saying “I never thought about it in this way” or “I didn’t know, I need to read more about it,” we show that we do not put ourselves above the interlocutor.
Thank
Thank you for what? For the dialogue itself. The interlocutor, even knowing that you do not share his point of view, wasted his time on you. And if we cannot reach a common opinion, the only thing left to offer in return is our courtesy.
What not to do:
Surrender to emotions
Whether we are talking with a loved one or with a new acquaintance, the goals of the conversation should be to improve our understanding and make our position clear, to protect the relationship with the interlocutor.
Therefore, “exploding” by shouting and waving your arms is a bad option. Sometimes it’s worth taking a break and even saying directly: “I’m too angry, I need a break”, let off steam and return to a calm dialogue.
Thinking badly about the interlocutor
We tend to think we are on the «good» side. Because of this, not agreeing with another person, we so want to hang a label on him, defining him as “bad”, — it’s easier for consciousness.
In a dialogue where we respect each other, it is important to show that we see a person behind his opinion, do not draw conclusions for him. It is not necessary to voice it, just keep it in your head — then in one way or another this thought will manifest itself in your speech. And the interlocutor will understand that he is not your enemy. Maybe you to him too?
Resort to words-garnets
It is easy to recognize them — these are words that help to throw out emotions, most often negative ones. These are the words with which we try to offend and put pressure on the interlocutor.
For example: name-calling — “This is stupid”, “Are you crazy?”; generalizations — «It has always been like this» or «This has never happened»; theatrical techniques — «Caught», «What are you talking about»; curse words.
Of course, in the moment we like to use these words — they give strength, a sense of control over the situation and superiority over the interlocutor. But they also breed hostility and anxiety and rob us of the chance for a respectful, constructive dialogue.
Use sarcasm and cut-and-dried phrases
Sarcasm, especially in texting or talking on the phone, can be especially dangerous for dialogue because we can’t always interpret the words of the interlocutor correctly. It is better to say exactly what we mean, and not to joke — this way we can avoid an awkward situation or an aggravation of the conflict. The same applies to the use of sentences that we seem to not finish or make an effort to formulate.
Show condescension
The fact that we are more educated in some area than the interlocutor does not make us better. It makes you feel more confident, no doubt, but not better. Therefore, there is no need to rush to explain what a person, perhaps, already knows. No need to interrupt and question his words, as if you are an unconditional authority on this issue.