There are those among us who object to any remark, even if it is not a request, but just a story. It is difficult to communicate with them, but it is necessary: after all, they are among our friends, colleagues and relatives. How to do it as much as possible with pleasure?
«Do you want some tea?» “No, of course I do.” We seem to be just talking, but the inner feeling is as if we are driving over bumps and potholes. Although, perhaps, to a bright goal. Not a single conversation with my friend Katya can do without these irregularities. She objects even to a simple narrative.
Here someone says: “I saw the store, remembered that there was no cash with me, and went to look for an ATM.” It would seem, what is there to argue with? Katya will definitely say that she should have thought earlier, or explain why ATMs cannot be used in principle.
Katya is one of those who are called «polar defendants.» Such people tend to object to any remark addressed to them.
They even agree with objection-like phrases, beginning their agreement with the word “no.” «Let’s go to the cinema?» «No, let’s go to the cinema.»
They object at every opportunity. And loud and clear. «No, it’s not!» they say whatever you tell them. Perhaps then they will express an idea that is directly opposite to yours. Or maybe they will repeat your idea in their own words. Or maybe even in your own words.
But pointing it out is pointless. Because their response will be… you guessed it, of course, “No, it’s not!”
The ones that don’t feel right
It is difficult for psychotherapists to work with them. Having stated their problem, they reject not only the therapist’s proposals, but also his assumptions. “This doesn’t work for me!”, “It doesn’t work for me”, “This won’t help me”, “This won’t work for me.”
Curiously, they actually most often respond to standard psychotherapy in a way that is exactly the opposite of how most clients respond. The symptom with which they are treated is often intensified for some time after the therapeutic intervention.
32-year-old Tatyana came to me about a food addiction to sweets. Two days after our meeting, Tatyana called and said that the very next day she bought a large box of sweets and ate it with lust in a couple of hours.
This did not surprise me: it was necessary to wait until the polar reaction had passed
Therefore, I suggested that the client carefully observe in which situations her plan to change behavior fails. And indeed, after a while, Tatyana lost all interest in sweets.
It cannot be said that the «polar defendant» deliberately sabotages any proposals. He sabotages congruently, that is, with his whole being. He sincerely resists the influence not only with his mind, but also with his body, as was the case with sweets.
Let me give you one more example. 40-year-old Peter complained that he could not bring himself to make peace with his brother after a protracted quarrel, in which he himself was to blame. He experienced strong unpleasant feelings every time he thought it was time to take a step towards reconciliation.
Finally, in a psychotherapy session, he made a decision: «I’ll call my brother tomorrow night.» However, the next day he “forgot” what his brother’s phone number was and “accidentally left at work” a mobile phone where this number was written down.
Reconciliation with his brother nevertheless took place quite successfully — after about a week
On the inside, the polar responder feels right and special. Maybe sometimes unhappy, because others succeed in something, but he does not. But there is an explanation for this: he is not like the others.
They have a difficult family life — for the same reason: they are always right when they object to their spouses. They always find something to disagree with, even in the most non-conflict situation. And they criticize without having alternative proposals: “What you offer is bad, but I don’t know how good it is.”
It is difficult to join them, because if you agree with some of their statements, they may begin to contradict themselves in order to disagree with you. For example, like this:
— Masha, I was offered the position of head.
— You are always away from home, I’m the only one who takes care of children!
— Well, okay, I’ll refuse.
— Have you forgotten that we have to repay the loan?!
And relationships are destroyed. It is difficult for the Polar Respondent to accept help, because he seems to be telling you (and himself) in advance: no matter what you offer, everything will be wrong. How to be?
Paradoxical attachment
The creator of the author’s method of hypnosis, Milton Erickson, joined such clients «on the contrary.» Seeing a polar defendant at the reception, he immediately declared: you came to me in vain, because I can’t help you in any way, nothing will work out for you. The client began to object and resist — and moved towards healing.
When such a child was brought, Erikon joined the child through a protest against his parents: your parents are wrong, we will not do this with you. This is called «paradoxical attachment». It can also be used in life. For example, like this:
- “Never wash my hands, the germs on them also need to somehow survive.”
- “Don’t write an essay by tomorrow! The teacher must give someone a deuce!”
- “Don’t come home before ten, I want to have a quiet chat with my friend!”
When talking with an adult polarized respondent, it is useful to anticipate his reaction in advance and give him a kind of «consent to disagree»:
- «You may not agree with me…»
- «Of course I could be wrong…»
- “You can agree or disagree, there is nothing absolutely right…”
This will soften his passion for objections and create psychological protection for us, which will save us from resentment and unnecessary worries.
«Polarity» is not always unambiguously a «bad» property, many polar respondents try to detect and provide for all possible errors in every case and project. Unlike those who immediately rush to the goal, polar defenders are critics who need to lay straws wherever they can.
They say that “it is not so because…” and give arguments. At the right time, in the right place, they can anticipate mistakes. But they should absolutely not be involved in the construction of a positive program, because they will trample it in the bud.
They can become safety specialists in the broadest sense of the word. The main thing is to use their skills in the right place.