How to communicate with someone who does not look into the eyes

Maintaining eye contact during a conversation is a skill not available to everyone. For example, for some, this is simply uncomfortable, and for people with an autism spectrum disorder, such a situation can drive into a state of stress.

First of all, it is worth remembering that the interlocutor may have his own reasons to look away. What else do the experts advise?

Don’t take this behavior personally.

If a counterpart avoids eye contact, try not to be offended. “The reasons for this behavior can be very different: from feeling awkward, insecure, to banal boredom or a desire to get away from discussing a sensitive topic,” explains etiquette expert Diane Gottsman. “It might not be about you at all. And perhaps, just the opposite, it is in you. By looking away, the interlocutor may show that he is uncomfortable or that he does not agree with you or is not interested in continuing the conversation. Each situation should be considered separately, given the context.

Perhaps the person on the contrary is simply absorbed in his own thoughts – maybe he has had trouble or an important event is coming that occupies all his thoughts. In the end, he may simply not notice that he does not look into your eyes – not all of us control body language, or at least follow it.

Find out if eye contact is accepted in the culture of the interlocutor

“In some cultures, direct eye contact is considered optional or even rude,” explains coach and communication specialist Jennifer Kammeyer. – For example, in a number of Asian countries, to show that you are listening to the interlocutor, it is customary to lower your head slightly and nod.

Therefore, if you plan to interact with people from different countries – for example, at work, at a conference – do not be too lazy to collect information about foreign etiquette.

If you still didn’t have time to investigate the issue before meeting with the interlocutor, try to behave in the same way as he does (this, by the way, applies not only to eye contact, but also to shaking hands, keeping a distance, and so on).

Show kindness and empathy

Etiquette expert Nick Layton believes that these qualities will tell you how best to behave: continue the dialogue as if nothing had happened, adjust to the interlocutor, or ask him a direct question about whether everything is in order.

“Try not to get annoyed with your counterpart and not blame yourself for what is happening,” says Layton. If a person is not a business partner, but someone close, it may be appropriate to ask him a direct question – of course, in the most correct form.

For example, you might ask, “I don’t think you and I are on the same wavelength. Are you worried (or occupied) by something else?”, “Did I say something wrong? Have I offended you in some way? The main thing is not to attack the interlocutor, try to remain as soft and friendly as possible.

Adapt to your peer’s communication style

If you and the other person are not close, it can be difficult to determine the reasons for his or her behavior, and a direct question can add even more tension to the situation. A reasonable solution in this case would be to simply adjust and try to understand by other criteria whether the interlocutor is following what you are saying, whether he agrees with you.

You can often pause and ask if everything is clear or if clarification is needed. Listen carefully to the response and smile encouragingly at the person.

In the end, if it suddenly turns out that your interlocutor, for example, has Asperger’s syndrome (one of the types of autism spectrum disorders), it will be easier for you to adapt to him than to him to you.

Try a change of scenery

“If the interlocutor stubbornly avoids eye contact and you don’t understand if he is following your thought, try sitting next to him and drawing his attention to a document or screen,” suggests Jennifer Cammeyer. You can also stand up and start jotting down the main ideas on a flipchart.

Or go for a walk together, continuing to discuss an important issue: when you walk side by side with someone, looking into the eyes is not so important, and it does not work very well.

Make sure communication isn’t one-way

If the entire audience is looking at you and one person keeps looking away, Gottsman says it’s probably because they don’t agree with what you’re saying.

Or you have repeatedly ignored his or her questions or desire to speak out. In this case, it is worth encouraging the interlocutors to an active dialogue by asking open-ended questions, for example, starting with the words “what” and “how”.

Discuss the format of communication

Kammeyer also advises to talk about how each of you sees the format of solving the problem: perhaps your counterpart believes that it is not necessary to continue the meeting and it is enough just to exchange your thoughts in correspondence.

This also applies to summing up the dialogue – perhaps you planned to break up on a verbal agreement, while it is important for your interlocutor to fix it and send it by e-mail.

Or just end the conversation

If you suspect that the interlocutor is avoiding eye contact because the subject of the conversation is not interesting to him or something distracts him, allow him to no longer participate in the conversation or try to diplomatically curtail the dialogue.

This is especially true of spontaneous, unplanned meetings. Even if the first conversation with a person did not work out, do not put an end to the possibility of communication – perhaps now it was just not the best moment, and next time you will be able to talk normally, looking eye to eye.