Contents
They always know what to do. They are sure that they know you better than yourself. They don’t like being crossed. Controlling people may sincerely believe that they want the best for you. But their behavior suggests that they don’t care what you really want. How to recognize and neutralize the controller?
We are annoyed when someone tries to decide for us what to do and how to live. But if among our loved ones there is a person who is inclined to control everything, we should be especially careful – otherwise we may lose our will and subordinate ourselves to his desires.
“The controller believes that he has the right to control the life of another person, because he perceives him as an extension of himself,” says psychologist Patricia Evans, author of the book Controlling People. – In the depths of his soul, such a person cannot recognize the independence and separateness of the existence of another.
He has an illusion of an ideal world in his head. If it conflicts with reality, the controller tries to correct reality, but not his ideas about it.
Why is it so difficult to resist attempts at control?
First of all, it is difficult for us to recognize them – especially if they are expressed in a soft and hidden form, in the form of advice, suggestions or jokes. Common phrases that the controller uses are “you are making a mistake by marrying him”, “if I were you, I would think more”, “deep down you know that I am right” …
Our unwillingness to spoil relations also affects. “Often the controller is among the people close and significant to us,” says Patricia Evans. – It can be one of the parents, partner, boss.
Growing up, such a person is unable to hear himself, recognize and name his emotions.
In such relationships, he takes a stronger position and at first seems smart, authoritative, self-confident. If we fail to stand up for ourselves from the very beginning, we can become addicted.”
It may very well be that in childhood others did not pay much attention to the feelings and needs of such a person. He received instructions and hints from others what to feel, what to think. The manifestations of his own “I” were not considered.
Growing up, such a person is unable to hear himself, to recognize and name his emotions. Instead, he focuses on the image that his elders instilled in him. Therefore, he builds his relationships with others in the same way – applying to them the “correct” image that already exists in his head.
“He doesn’t realize how out of touch with reality his expectations can be and how impossible his demands can be.”
“When a friend, lover, or child does not do what is expected of him, the controller begins to behave irrationally,” explains Patricia Evans. “This behavior reflects the controller’s fear — the fear that his world will lose its integrity. Therefore, he does not realize how unrealistic his expectations can be and how unrealistic his demands can be.
What if you are already dependent on the controller? First of all, advises Patricia Evans, it is necessary to separate your own thoughts and feelings from those that another person imposes on us.
“Some, especially children of controlling parents, live for years as if under the Imperius spell from the Harry Potter books – unable to make a strong-willed decision and doing only what others demand of them,” says the psychologist. “But if you realize that you are fitting your life into someone else’s illusion, and find the courage to separate reality from fiction, you can break the spell.”
HOW TO RECOGNIZE THE CONTROLLER
- It is important for him to always be right.
- He makes sure he knows who you are and what you “really” need.
- He thinks you’re wrong if you don’t agree with him.
- Perceives doubt in his words as a direct attack on himself.
- He does not listen and does not hear other people’s arguments.
How to free yourself from the influence of the controller?
1. Find your inner core
Those under the controller’s spell begin to believe the story they are told. They get used to thinking in other people’s categories, speaking in other people’s words and phrases, they begin to navigate better in other people’s illusions about their life than in their own ideas about it.
To develop immunity to controlling behavior, you need to create your own, alternative history. Make your own decisions, no matter how difficult they may be. Find yourself a business that you will do alone, without asking for advice and tips. So you will know for sure what you are capable of and where you want to go.
2. Work on your self-esteem
One of the common tricks of the controller is to belittle the interlocutor, to inspire him with a sense of insignificance. “You won’t succeed.” “You are nothing without me.” “Without me, you would be lost.”
The best way to avoid reproaches from the controller is to find as many positive aspects in yourself as possible. Write down your good qualities on paper. Don’t be afraid to exaggerate a little. Describe something you’ve ever done successfully (even if it’s a nailed shelf).
Direct confrontation may not give a result, but, on the contrary, will only increase the anxiety of the controller
Go in for sports or at least do exercises in the morning – you will feel more energetic, and at the same time more capable.
3. Be firm
Direct confrontation may not give a result, but, on the contrary, will only increase the anxiety of the controller. Instead, it is better to firmly express your attitude to the situation.
Let’s say this: “I feel uncomfortable when you tell me what to do and how to think. In the future, I would like you to respect my opinion and recognize my right to make my own decisions.”
4. Ask questions
A simple question “what?” can be very effective in pointing out to the controller that their behavior is irrational. Don’t be afraid to look stupid.
If you persistently ask the interlocutor to clarify what he wants from you, you will make him think about his own words. As a rule, the controller is able to realize that he is too demanding, but it is difficult for him to do this during a conversation.
5. Consult a therapist
The dependency relationship that forms between a controller and his companion can be very strong. If your attempts to reconsider the situation do not lead to the desired result and you are afraid to break off the relationship, it is better to seek the help of a professional.
Источник: P. Evans «Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You» (Adams Media Corporation, 2002).