How to comfort a loved one?

“My friend was very upset by the departure of her husband from the family,” says Elena. She depended on him both emotionally and financially. To support my friend, I tried to help with the job search and persuaded my friends to take her on a trial period. It seemed to me that a new activity would help her get out of a state of emotional numbness. However, my friend perceived my efforts with hostility.

“Here is an obvious example of what a sincere desire to help can lead to,” says social psychologist Olga Kabo. — It is likely that the girlfriend at that moment did not need active proposals, but silent sympathy. And effective help with work would, perhaps, be useful a little later.

Researchers at the University of Louisville name two main forms of behavior of people seeking to calm someone down. The first involves specific support and psychological assistance in resolving the problem, the second comes down, rather, to silent sympathy and I remind you “everything passes, this too will pass.”

“These two dissimilar strategies can be equally effective in helping different people,” says psychologist Beverly Flasington. — The only problem is that often, for various reasons, we choose the one that is not suitable for a particular situation. A person perceives our words as false and insensitive. And we understand that not only did not help, but, it seems, upset him even more.

What is worth considering?

• How well do you know the person and understand their problem;
• his temperament;
• His ability to deal with the problem on his own;
• The depth of human experience;
• The need, from your point of view, professional psychological assistance.

One factor in how we perceive outside support is a sense of self-confidence. University of Waterloo study (Canada)¹ showed that people with low self-esteem are more likely to reject attempts by loved ones to find a more optimistic and constructive view of things. This distinguishes them from those who are more confident and, as a result, open to rethink what happened and take action.

So, people who are not very confident will find it easier if you just stay around and share their experiences — without any attempt to change the view of the situation or distract from it. But people with a fairly high level of confidence will need your active support.

Note Strategies

Understanding the needs of another person does not happen overnight — it takes time to get to know them well. There are those who, at the most difficult moment, do not feel the need for attention and prefer solitude. And others may need a change of focus, giving the appearance that nothing has happened.

Nevertheless, psychologists identify a number of general rules that should be followed if a loved one feels bad:

Be there

Sometimes words lose their meaning and the best thing you can do is just be there. Call, invite to visit, in a cafe or for a walk. Stay in touch without making your presence intrusive.

“Just try to always stay within reach for a loved one,” suggests social psychologist Olga Kabo. “It seems to us that it is negligible, just answering calls and being ready to listen. But for your loved one, this is a huge support.”

Listen

Many of us are not easy to open up. Be patient and support your loved one when they are ready to talk.

“If a person has begun to speak, cheer him up with a few phrases,” advises Olga Kabo. — If tactile contact is important to him, you can take his hand. After that, don’t interrupt and just listen. Do not give any assessments or advice — just be attentive to the words. Your interlocutor needs to free himself from the burden of negative emotions, and a frank story about what happened, about your feelings and experiences, is the first step to recovery.

Be delicate

Of course, you have your own point of view. However, it may be important for a person to speak out. And if your thoughts go against the way he currently sees and experiences the situation, this will cause him even more pain. It is possible that your constructive (as you think!) advice can come in handy. But not now, but when the acute period passes and your loved one will be able to treat what is happening more sensibly and balanced.

Let him know that you will be there and support any decision. “You can help a person look at a problem from a different angle by asking them questions. It is important that they remain neutral: “What does this mean for you?”, “What would you like to do next?” and, of course, “Can I help you with something?”.

Don’t insist

If you still consider it necessary to share your vision of the situation, make sure that you have all the information. Even if it seems to us that we have similar experiences, our feelings and reactions will never be identical. Therefore, never insist on your own: this will make your counterpart feel uncomfortable or become defensive. And the very feeling that you are on the other side will only aggravate his emotional state.

Be positive

Remember, right now a loved one needs your support, which means that it is important that you have emotional resources to help. Empathizing, do not let the despair and sense of hopelessness that your interlocutor may be in overwhelm you too.

It is worth thinking and acting like doctors. Try to draw a distance between your life and what happened to your loved one. Think: yes, what happened is hard. But he needs time to live and accept the situation in which he is immersed. You look at it from the side and therefore keep a more sober look.

¹ D. Marigold et al. «You can’t always give what you want: the challenge of providing social support to low self-esteem individuals», Journal of Personality and social psychology, July, 2014.