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“A person must be accepted as he is” — this mantra in a joint life works up to a certain limit, which everyone sets for himself. If we want to be together, it is important to make compromises and concessions. Psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova explains how to convince a loved one of the need to change, avoiding a protracted war for the right to “be yourself”.
“I can’t accept that he endlessly yells at me, does not help around the house, controls and smothers with jealousy,” she admits. “It annoys me that there is never a normal meal at home, and she returns late, constantly referring to work,” he retorts.
Psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova calls this a common dialogue between conflicting couples. “The claims of partners to each other may vary, but the family conflict is based on the same vicious circle: one lies, the other screams. And from time to time they switch roles.
How to fix this seemingly fatal situation?
1. View from the side
The structure of such relationships is based on childhood experience. The mother, in a fit of anger, could say to the girl: “You will sell pies at the station and wash the toilets.” Years later, next to her is a man who depreciates her in exactly the same way, assuring that without him she will be nothing. “Growing up, a woman symbolically chooses a domineering, controlling mother as her husband,” explains the psychologist. “So she’s trying to re-act and possibly resolve a childhood conflict. In most cases, this family scenario remains the same.”
People can live a long life torturing each other. Or they disperse, losing interest in each other. In order to sincerely talk about this with a partner, it is necessary, first of all, to realize why we allow this.
2. Correctly formulate a request
It is important to learn how to formulate requests not as claims, but as a benevolent proposal to change something. And to support in the partner the feeling that he is dear to us. You can start with a small exercise on paper, setting out a list of what you would like to receive, starting with the words: «I would like to …». Not an ultimatum: “I don’t want you to come home late”, but “I wish you came home earlier”, “I would like homemade dinners”.
Before you read the next paragraph to each other, you repeat the phrase that your partner said: «Honey, I would like you to be affectionate and gentle with me.» “Okay, dear, I understand that you want me to be affectionate and gentle. In turn, I would like you to talk to me more and not ignore the requests.
3. Give yourself time
It is a huge mistake to try to fix the conflict here and now. “It will take time to develop a new way of communicating,” warns Veronika Stepanova. — The very movement towards each other can also provoke misunderstanding at first. However, if your partner is ready for this, it’s important to remember that it took you years to mature into the person you are. You can’t change overnight. The main thing is the desire to hear and understand each other.”
4. See your partner as a child
In the midst of a conflict, it is worth taking a symbolic step aside. Give yourself and your half the opportunity to calm down, try to see not the enemy, but a small child who is having a hard time. Watch his reactions: he got angry, offended, pulled away. Imagine him at this moment as a defenseless baby whom you would help. After all, let’s not forget, our inner child remains with us forever.