We live in constant tension, we get tired, we worry … Is there really no end to this? So I want to breathe and become calm! But what is peace? And can it be achieved?
We have a really crazy life. Endless deadlines, multitasking, negative news feeds provide us with constant anxiety. It seems that modern man does not even have to dream of tranquility. But is it? Let’s try (calmly) figure it out.
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Let’s start with the opposite phenomenon, anxiety. We try all the time to disguise our tense state as if it were a flaw in the emotional system that would be good to eradicate. But is it necessary to strive for unshakable calmness and is it possible?
“Our brain was formed at a time when ancient man was constantly in danger,” recalls cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist Yulia Zakharova. “That’s why we have neurofeedback to make us feel anxious. Sometimes it’s justified. And it would be a mistake to think that we must by all means avoid it. Such attempts, on the contrary, can lead to an anxiety disorder.
In order not to experience anxiety, a person begins to avoid the necessary activities, up to lying on the sofa. Or trying to reduce anxiety by ritual actions. This is such an attempt to control life, but in fact only a narrow sphere of life can be controlled, much more in it is an area of uncertainty. Therefore, you need to learn to endure anxiety.
Vanka-vstanka
Then what peace can we talk about? Yulia Zakharova proposes to present an anxiety scale from zero to 10. Zero is a state of complete rest that we experience when we fall asleep or when we just wake up. And 10 is the state of a panic attack.
If a child constantly hears criticism, shouting, if he is knocked off the pace, this leads to neuroticism.
It is clear that with high anxiety, we are not able to act effectively. But also at zero. And the level of anxiety “for two” is perhaps what we need: we easily endure it, it does not interfere with moving towards goals. “We do not have the task of achieving a permanent internal zen, the brain is not “imprisoned” for this,” Yulia Zakharova concludes.
Living calmly does not mean not experiencing anxiety at all, agrees Gestalt therapist Elena Pavlyuchenko. In fact, this is a dynamic state: we worry when the situation requires it, and quickly restore balance, like Roly-poly: he swayed — and again returned to the point of stability.
It is great when this stability is brought up from childhood. This happens if the parents allow the child to find his own pace and mode of action, his interest. Then he develops a healthy attitude towards tasks: “I will do it, everything is fine.” But if a child constantly hears criticism, shouting, if he is knocked off the pace, he gets used to living in a state of mental mobilization, and this leads to neuroticism.
“A neurotic person is overstrained all the time,” notes Elena Pavlyuchenko. “Roughly speaking, he makes an effort, as if lifting a pood box, even if in fact it is a pea.”
My own friend
What can be done to gain this inner stability if it has not been formed since childhood? Keeping outward calm is not an option, it will mean that we deny what we feel and risk getting stuck in a situation. And we, on the contrary, need more awareness and friendliness towards ourselves.
In order to get along with the imperfection of the world, you must first accept your own chaos, not pretend to be a superhero, says social psychotherapist Nicole Rothenbuhler. “Accept that you are human, not superhuman. Therefore, they are vulnerable and capable of making mistakes. And you are worthy of interest. We devote our energies to caring for others, but rarely take the time to be interested in ourselves. But this is the basis of everything — to listen to yourself as attentively and kindly and also try to help.
So, we need to deal with the accusing voices that sound in the head. “Having planned more than we can accomplish, we scold ourselves for not doing it,” says Yulia Zakharova, “and we enter a state of stress. We try to drown out the pain of self-blame, for example, by going headlong into social networks. In the meantime, things are standing still, we blame ourselves with renewed vigor, stress is growing. To get out of this vicious circle, instead of self-blaming and surfing the Internet, try to treat yourself with compassion. The cycle of stress must end with physical activity, so to reduce the levels of the stress hormone cortisol, walk, move, exercise.”
And let’s not forget how important it is for everyone to follow an individual pace. “We can take someone else’s pace for a while, sometimes it’s good and can be refreshing. But if this happens constantly, we are physiologically exhausted, — Elena Pavlyuchenko warns. — It may seem that this is an unsolvable problem: the situation at work seems to require the same pace from everyone. In fact, this is a matter of agreement with superiors and colleagues. It’s good when we know ourselves, understand how to treat ourselves, and explain it to others.”
The most important thing is to be able to calm down in the life that we have, with its limitations and urgent tasks.
And finally, we can streamline life. “On the one hand, it is necessary to single out what is really urgent from the flow of cases, and focus on this,” says Yulia Zakharova. “On the other hand, we often become neurotic with a lot of small things left unfinished. I advise you to start by writing them down. This already brings relief: instead of “I don’t have time for anything”, there is an exact vision of what exactly I don’t have time for, and you can plan how to deal with it.”
Having completed some business, it is important to let yourself be happy about it, Elena Pavlyuchenko adds. “These beats give the brain time to notice: I did it, everything is fine. And when the flow of life is not structured, there is a feeling that we do not have time to do anything.
Sea Inside
Of course, it is easier to find peace somewhere by the sea. But the most important thing is to be able to calm down in the life that we have, with its limitations and urgent tasks, during difficult periods at work, in the family.
“To do this, you can learn to keep in touch with yourself, which is applicable in all circumstances,” says Nicole Rothenbuhler. Instead of lamenting, one should “take advantage of what rises from the depths to start a dialogue: is what I think true? What reminds me of what I feel? And then, with humility and courage, we can decide not to leave ourselves, to give ourselves what we deserve.
This work, which can be assisted by a therapist or a friend, allows us to bring reality into our perception of ourselves and the world, so that we are no longer manipulated by fears and the eyes of other people. And (again) win self-love.