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Breathe deeply. Count to ten slowly. Go for a walk. This is usually advised to do when you feel like you are about to explode. In a normal setting, these tips can come in handy — when the problem is a little stress at work or in the family. But during periods of extreme emotional stress (for example, during a pandemic), they may not be enough.
Constant stress overwhelms our defense mechanisms.
“Chronic stress can decrease the activity of brain regions responsible for flexible thinking and tolerance for others,” explains stress specialist and psychologist Stuart Ablon. As a result, sometimes we start behaving like little children who have not yet developed these skills, such as yelling and throwing tantrums when we don’t get what we want.
Is empathy the key to conflict prevention?
Why is it so important to control ourselves when we are angry? This helps us to use the skills and abilities that allow us to continue to maintain control over ourselves.
“Empathy (that is, the ability to understand the feelings of others) is the most powerful conflict prevention tool we have. It helps to defuse tense situations even in the harshest prisons and, of course, is effective in ordinary domestic conflicts — for example, on a plane or in line. It’s very simple: when someone listens to us carefully and tries to understand our point of view, it calms us down. The heart stops beating immediately,” explains Ablon.
What gives empathy to ourselves?
How can empathy help us stay calm ourselves? Here’s what usually happens:
Trying to understand the point of view of the interlocutor, we refrain from impulsive reactions. This helps to distract from the growing irritation and keep calm.
By remaining calm, we can fully use all our «adult» skills: problem solving, flexibility, willingness to endure discomfort.
These skills alone help us keep our cool.
Our calm and friendly attitude helps to calm down the interlocutor, which further defuses the situation.
4 tips to help quell anger and activate empathy
Here is what Stuart Ablon recommends:
Start from the fact that each person is trying to do the best. “We all try our best to cope with the difficulties and challenges that life throws at us, with the help of the skills and opportunities that are now available to us. None of us want to lose our temper and fall into a rage or hysteria,” emphasizes Ablon.
In a conflict situation, tell yourself: “I can’t get what I want from this person, but he still does everything he can do in this situation.” When the interlocutor feels that you are calm and friendly, his attitude is likely to change. «Calmness is contagious — a calm parent can easily comfort a crying child, and a cool-headed teacher is great at maintaining discipline in the classroom,» explains Ablon.
Show sincere interest. Before jumping to conclusions, ask the other person to understand their position. What circumstances made him behave this way? What is he trying to achieve?
Be an active listener. “One of the most effective ways to calm a person is to simply repeat to him in your own words what he said before. He will immediately feel that he was heard, ”Ablon emphasizes. Ask questions and repeat the answers in your own words—this is active listening.
Show the other person that you are on their side. Explain that you are trying to understand his point of view: “I understand that you probably have good reasons for doing this. I’m ready to listen to you. I don’t want to upset you. I want to find a compromise.»
In difficult periods of life, it is not so easy to maintain the ability to empathize. But, like any skill, it can be developed with practice. A benevolent attitude and empathy are almost always able to extinguish a brewing conflict.