They ask:
— How to calm a person if he cries «in public»?
— See why you’re crying. If he buries a loved one, do not stop him from crying. Sometimes compassionate friends and girlfriends, at the next bout of grief, grab their shoulders, start shaking: “Stop it now! Get a hold of yourself!» This is not the best kind of help. Someone may not cry, but someone needs it.
«Get a hold of yourself!» — the requirement is reasonable, but sometimes it only hurts. It often causes a backlash: a person now wants to cry from the offensive tone of this phrase. You will help a person calm down faster if you can «enter» his tempo-rhythm and say to him (her) at an accelerated pace, in the rhythm of worried excitement:
“I know it’s hard for you, don’t strain yourself, cry, since you can’t do otherwise. Cry! Only at the same time try to hear what I say, and answer me. Look here, what is this? Answer quickly!
— Window … (continues to cry).
— And this?
The questions are designed for the limited ability of the crying person to answer in one word. In the course of a minute or two, it gradually slows down, the pace of questions and answers evens out. The need to see and speak removes the dominant affective tension in a matter of minutes, especially if it is combined with walking. The crying person needs to know that he is not condemned for tears, that he will not be left in trouble, that they sympathize with him. And if, with all this, he cannot help but cry, but does not impose himself with his condition, then the best thing is not to prevent him from crying. And that’s it! And when you cry, try to involve in common affairs.
There are people who love to be comforted. After several attempts to console and reassure them, they beg for new portions of consolation. In order not to reinforce their tears with your participation, not to contribute to the development of tearfulness, you should step back with mild restraint, leave or be silent, doing your own thing. If a person is old and he has reasons for tears, you can not be stingy with words of sympathetic consolation. And if this person is young, then, without losing a benevolent tone, you can inspire calmly and authoritatively:
“You will calm down now, because you have already received the full measure of our sincere sympathy. And now there is no time to cry, the matter is waiting.
Or: “If you want to cry more, we won’t interfere.”
Of those who like to beg for consolation, there are those who calm down with relief after they are shouted at with their own severity: “Enough! The tears are over, and you are still crying!
The choice of the method of assistance and the degree of participation must be correlated with the circumstances and with the character of the person. When he is worse than those around him, you need to unobtrusively help him with deed, and sympathy, and consolation, and the opportunity to “pour out”. And if a person already abuses attention, although the causes of his experiences are insignificant or have already been eliminated, then after the above-mentioned methods of help, one can resort to the calm authority of a short but energetic suggestion.
In the group treated for stuttering was Vanya F., a stocky 18-year-old. There was a month left before the release. He was busy in some scene. Something did not work out for him, and one of his comrades, unwillingly, offended him with a careless remark. Vanya was about to be discharged without completing the course of treatment. He walked gloomy and, turning away, demanded to give him documents and things. He was persuaded by all the comrades, nurses, speech therapist, doctor. The culprit of his condition apologized to him in all forms available to the young guy. Vanya was very inert, he was “bogged down” in his offended position and therefore remained adamant: he folded his arms over his chest and proudly turned away. They persuaded him for many reasons, including because he disrupted an interesting production with his discharge. And most importantly, because it was impossible to allow a person to leave offended.
Once, after waiting for everyone to go to class, I moved towards Vanya and, looking around to see if there was anyone (so as not to embarrass him in front of strangers), I “gave out” to him heartfelt, distinctly and weightily:
— Listen, Vanya! How many good people are persuading you from morning to evening, almost dancing in front of you! .. And now I would take a verbal club in my hands and leave you properly! .. — And before I had time to finish the phrase, Vanya smiled broadly and openly, unclenched and raised his hands up:
— Understood! I give up! Persuaded! I love it when it’s good with me! ..