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Even in adulthood, it can be difficult for us to communicate with our parents: we live in the grip of painful memories from childhood, despite the fact that we have already achieved heights in the profession and found happiness in our own families. And we do not stop asking ourselves how to reach an even plateau in relationships with our elderly mothers and fathers.
Resentment, claims, hatred of already grown children for their parents … What to do with them? All these experiences are worth recognizing and acknowledging, but the most important thing is to work through in the psychologist’s office. Moreover, their study does not always mean that your relationship with the older generation will finally improve.
Is there anything that you can do in this situation on your own, even before going to a specialist?
Learn to recognize and recognize your limits
Often the problem of relationships with parents lies in the violation of boundaries: when it is not customary in the family to respect and welcome the opinions of others, the requests and needs of others are most likely ignored there.
It was customary in Yulia’s family to go to the cemetery every spring after the snow melted and clean the graves of numerous relatives – some of them the girl did not even find alive. When Julia was little, she obeyed her parents. As a teenager, she began to get angry because it takes all day, and she did not even know these people.
Her timid attempts to refuse trips to the cemetery were harshly rejected by her parents: “How dare you, this is a memory!” And in the future, even becoming quite an adult, for many years she fought with her parents on this matter. Due to the fact that once her parents did not take into account her wishes, Yulia believes that this is normal behavior: she harshly criticizes her own children and accuses them of selfishness when they refuse to do something according to her decree.
If you do not know how to guard your borders, then they will be constantly violated. But you, consciously or not, will “raid” on the boundaries of other people, sincerely believing that everyone else is wrong and only you are doing the right thing.
Each of us can want something of our own, disagree with the plans of others and not approve of other people’s ideas. In order to be listened to and respect your desires, you need to guard your borders and boldly report if something does not suit you. For example, using “I-messages”.
In situations where you want to speak up, refuse another, or communicate something that could potentially be perceived negatively by the interlocutor, “I-messages” will help convey important information and avoid resistance.
Protecting borders through effective communication
Imagine: an elderly mother likes to visit her grandchildren without warning. These visits unsettle the daughter, as they have a difficult relationship. Recently, she no longer had the strength to endure the impulsive actions of her mother, and her daughter began to openly get annoyed: “Well, why did you come, I asked you not to come without warning, again you are imposing!”
It would seem that her anger is understandable. But, unfortunately, he does not help to resolve the situation, and therefore the daughter burns her energy for nothing.
What can be done? First of all, to outline the boundaries of your own family: to tell the mother what exactly the daughter does not like. And talk about what will happen if she does not agree with the requests of her daughter.
Here is an example of such a conversation:
- Description of the facts – “Mom, when you arrive unannounced…”
- Daughter’s feelings about this – “I’m angry …”
- The reason for her reaction is “…Because we start to quarrel with you, and I’m tired of swearing and I don’t want it.”
- What she would like – “I would like you to coordinate the day of arrival and not come unannounced.”
- What will happen if the request is ignored – “I ask you to listen to my request, otherwise I will stop talking to you and open the door for you. I’m sorry, but this is a last resort, since you can’t hear me.”
Of course, this is a mutual problem. The mother probably feels lonely and cannot find any other use for herself in life than raising her grandchildren. And the daughter, judging by the fact that she does not have the skill of building boundaries, should work on strengthening her adult part. How? By setting rules and starting to follow them.
Rules of personal boundaries:
- You and I are separate individuals and may not coincide in desires, needs and views. Each of us has every right to do so.
- I am not in this world to live according to your scenario, and you are not in order to live according to mine.
- If I offer you something, you have every right to refuse it. Like me in a similar situation.
- If I openly and directly ask for what I need, you have every right to refuse me it. Like me in a similar situation.
- Violence over each other is prohibited. It will only lead to us turning our backs on each other.
The norm of communication is respect for each other and for oneself. If you feel that in your family this rule only works in one direction and there are those who need to be respected more and those who can be respected less, then this is a good reason to pay attention to the family system and figure out what rules it works by.
Perhaps these rules are beneficial only for some people and painful for the rest of the family? In this case, the situation requires mandatory study so that the problem does not pass “by inheritance” to the next generation.
About the Developer
Ekaterina Lebedeva – counseling psychologist Her .