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Relations with the mother determine the life of every woman, but rarely can anyone boast that they are cloudless. Crossing the threshold of maturity, the daughter gains the opportunity to take a fresh look at relationships — to start communicating with her mother not from the position of a little girl, but as an equal woman. How to do this, says psychologist Terry Alter.
Many women do not understand how important a good relationship with their mother is. They suffer from the fact that she takes up too much space in their lives. The image of a condemning or approving figure, the need to earn her recognition is oppressive, does not allow you to start your own life. “Fixing your relationship with your mother means adding calmness and confidence to life, feeling happier,” says psychologist Terry Apter.
It is not uncommon for the daughters of powerful, commanding, and all-knowing mothers to choose to move to another city, country, or somehow distance themselves. Behind the grandiose-dominant figure of the mother, it can be difficult for them to discern an ordinary woman, the same as they are: with ups and downs, successes and disappointments, with the right to make mistakes, feelings and desires.
In order for mother and daughter to move on without losing each other, both need to go through mourning for the child-parent relationship that connected them before. Unfortunately, a smooth transition from the relationship of mother and child to friendship, or at least mutual respect, does not always occur.
On Mother’s Side: Mourning for Child Daughter
A growing daughter is joy and pride. The results of hard work, sleepless nights, tears shed. Reflection of maternal appearance, character and habits in a new person. But a growing daughter is also sadness for her own youth, past joys and unfulfilled dreams. Sorrow for your baby, irrevocable motherhood, a sense of self-importance.
A mother needs to see in her daughter a woman who herself will soon become or has already become a mother.
The mother needs to give up omnipotence — real or imagined, become more flexible, see in her daughter a woman who herself will soon become or has already become a mother. The task of the mother is to convey to her daughter the correct maternal identification: the ability to see and respect a separate personality in her child.
According to Caroline Eljacheff and Nathalie Einisch, French psychoanalysts and co-authors of Daughters-Mothers: The Third Extra, only with this approach is it possible for a mother to “build a relationship with her daughter that, without negating the past, allows you to find a compromise in the present.”
On the side of the daughter: mourning for childhood
Sometimes a mother is not ready to let go of her daughter, to accept a woman in her. Then the daughter can teach her a lesson by showing that she is already old enough, which means that their relationship implies equality and respect. But separated, it is important to maintain respect for the mother.
For a woman, relations with her mother are complicated by the fact that, despite all the insults and misunderstandings, she will sooner or later have to identify with her in order to discover the maternal function in herself. The more acceptance a daughter can find in herself in relation to her mother, the less conflict her own motherhood will be for her.
The growing up of the daughter is inevitably accompanied by the aging of the mother — sooner or later the asymmetry of power and care will be turned on its head, the daughter will have to take care of her own mother. It is important for both to be able to agree and find a compromise before the mother loses the physical and / or mental ability to do so.
Watching the gradual fading of her mother, the daughter says goodbye to the person who brought her into this world, says goodbye to her childhood and at the same time loses the last barrier separating her from death herself.
Finding Balance: Realistic Expectations
Deep inside, we all want our relationship with our mother to be special and intimate. Unfortunately, reality often diverges from the ideal. This is not as bad as it might seem at first glance.
Try to imagine a real relationship — instead of an imaginary idyll, they have a place for mutual insults and joys. Instead of an impeccably beautiful or, conversely, a devilishly terrible image of a mother that lives in your soul, there is a real person with their own advantages and disadvantages. So you can establish a more lively and sincere contact, see the usual human manifestations in the mother.
No matter how difficult your dialogue is, it is important to understand that you are both already adults.
American psychologist Paula Kaplan advises to take an interest in the mother’s story — to look at her life from the outside in order to re-evaluate her actions. As a child, you can hold a grudge and anger for some words, actions or inactions of your mother, but as an adult woman and evaluating her life from the height of your experience, you may be able to understand, forgive and accept something.
The generation of women now in their 60s was brought up in conditions of acute scarcity and rigid moral principles, which could not but leave an imprint on them, including as mothers.
As both mother and daughter mature and become more aware of each other’s character, attitudes, and values, the desire to break through established mother-daughter roles to a deeper understanding becomes stronger.
Terry Apter is confident that returning to earlier roles — picky mother or naughty child — can interfere with the development of relationships in adulthood. “Speak with the full force of your adult personality,” the psychologist advises. “Then the mother is more likely to answer you as an adult rather than as a child.” As difficult as your dialogue may be, it is important to understand that you are both already adults.
Respect is the first step to friendship
Maria, 38, recalls being completely shattered when her always active and successful mother suddenly became depressed, divorced her father and moved to another country. “For many years I blamed her and wished only one thing: that she would do everything differently and correct her mistake,” says Maria. “Only now I understand how hard this decision was for her, how wisely she acted — she stopped torturing herself, her father and all of us.” Maria believes that life in different countries helped both of them to distance themselves from the situation and reassess the past. Now they treat each other with great respect.
Time apart helped 60-year-old Alexandra get closer to her daughter. “When Anna left for Canada, we began to correspond. It was easier in letters than by phone to express thoughts and feelings that we had never voiced in a live conversation. I missed her a lot, but the first year I did not come to visit. She once wrote: «This is your time, enjoy it.»
There are no perfect mothers and no perfect daughters.
Such a relationship with a mother is like a friendship. Both mother and daughter are involved in each other’s lives, but respect personal space. This allows them to overcome trials and enjoy the good news together. “When I was diagnosed with cancer, Anna behaved very nobly — she invited me to live with her, and every day I could see my granddaughter,” says Alexandra. “It’s like we made an unspoken promise: we can be together, but at the same time, each one lives and goes about her life, no matter how difficult it may be.”
There are no perfect mothers and no perfect daughters. The main thing is that you definitely will not have another mother. Realizing this, you can, if not stop being angry at your mother for her mistakes, then at least try to behave like an adult woman and build communication from this position. Then the relationship between you will become, if not ideal, but conscious, and your life will become more calm and happy.
How to mature your relationship with your mother
Show interest. What was your mom’s life besides motherhood? How was her childhood, youth? What did she dream about, what came true, what does she regret? Try to look at your loved one from the side, not only as a daughter. This will provide an opportunity to re-evaluate the motives of her actions.
Look for similarities. Yes, you are different, but your mother gave you not only life, but also 50% of her genes. Maybe you have common hobbies or you like to cook for loved ones, just like your mother once cooked for you. Ultimately, both of you are women. The more sides you are willing to accept, the less resentment will poison your life.
Communicate. Try to talk about something that has never been talked about before. So you can move away from the usual communication style that was formed in childhood, and at the same time learn something new about a loved one.
Speak straight. What do you expect from your mother, how do you see your relationship? If you clearly and confidently express your position, the other side is likely to treat it with respect. Directly ask your mother: “What can I do for you?” Remember, it is probably more difficult for her, due to her upbringing, to say this. Pleasant little things with which you can please each other will help to get closer. As a rule, mothers need so little.
Write a letter. Work on the inner attitude towards your mother that you carry within you. One way to forgive and let go is to write a letter outlining all your feelings, grievances, and wishes.