Contents
The appearance of a new man in the family is always accompanied by a certain anxiety — how will your loved ones get together? How will they communicate? A few tips from a psychologist will help you get through the stages of getting to know each other and getting used to each other.
1. Put a lot of time into building relationships
This is the most important point. Often a new family member is tempted to immediately change everything, eliminate shortcomings. But do not forget that the child already has a father. It does not matter here exactly how he takes part in the upbringing, how much he communicates with his son or daughter. Someone unfamiliar cannot come and from the threshold take the place of a dear, close, unconditionally loved person.
Therefore, the stepfather does not need to set himself the task of education at all. The primary task is to create a respectful attitude towards each other. When you can communicate, come to each other with questions and problems, spend time together. During this period, you can not interfere in the issues of discipline, education, punishment of the child. Just focus on building friendships.
It will take not a couple of weeks or months, but at least a year. In some cases, it may be longer. And only then, when the foundation is ready, you can build a hierarchy, take on educational functions, start serious conversations.
2. Do not make the father and stepfather competitors in the eyes of the child
You cannot compare or contrast these two people. You should not have the task of making one lose to the other. Or prove that a stepfather is better than a biological father. The child should know that now he has two dads. It is necessary not to substitute concepts, but to speak as it is. That dad is the person who gave life, and no one will take it away. It so happened that mom and dad stopped being husband and wife, but did not stop being the parents of the child.
You can’t deprive a child of his story. You need to show photos, videos, share memories. But at the same time, to say that now another person has come to the family. This is not a competition for dad, he is also ready to give the baby love, care, and participate in his fate. “It’s great that so many people surround you and love you!”
3. Do not demand instant love from the child for the stepfather
You can not demand from a person any emotion, and even more so love. We are not biorobots with a button and do not turn on by order. Any emotions, including jealousy, anger, irritation, are absolutely normal in such a situation.
No need to react sharply to the negative coming from the child, and prohibit its expression. You can get angry and annoyed, the main thing is that this does not turn into insults, humiliation, violence. Try to help deal with emotional outbursts, such as by saying, “Yes, I understand you’re angry. You hurt, you miss your dad. This or that annoys you, but we are now one family, we live together.
Sooner or later, these quivering sprouts of patience, respect and care grow into love, it just takes time.
4. Create family traditions and rituals
There should be some common activities in which the whole family takes part. It is desirable that everyone should have fun, that everyone be involved and have fun. It can be anything: a Friday dinner together, board games, watching and discussing a movie, Saturday trips to a museum, a cafe, picnic trips …
The main thing is that they should be regular, weekly. Even better if daily. Thus, strong bonds are gradually built between all family members.
5. Spend time apart
It is necessary to allocate time for individual communication with each family member. This point does not contradict the previous one — it is important to maintain a balance without going to extremes.
Mom needs to spend time alone with a new spouse without children, but not headlong into a new romantic life. There should be leisure alone with the child: something to discuss, tell, support, share. Or maybe just hang out together. And you need to do this regularly, at least once a week, so that the child knows that the moment will come when the mother will be at his disposal entirely.
It would be great to gradually introduce the tradition that the child is left alone with his stepfather
Helps with something or does something with him — lessons, Lego, football, puzzles. But not in the format of mentoring, but in the format of a friendly pastime. When a balance is reached: on the one hand, individual meetings, and on the other, joint meetings, we begin to slowly grow into each other.
Remember, building a relationship between children and stepfather is a process that takes time. Any emotion is possible. It is difficult even for an adult to let a new person into your life, let alone a child, especially if he is a teenager. This requires resources, support, time.
If everyone wants to create a new strong family, where there is happiness, love, respect and care, it is very important to take this path slowly.