Our author, the mother of a seven-year-old boy, discusses how you can influence a child in the worst way by your example.
Somehow it so happened that all the best in the girl is laid by the mother, and in the boy – by the dad. Well, there, to hammer in nails, to watch football. But the worst comes from somewhere in the child. Well, like from somewhere. From the parents, again. Yes, and from my mother too. By no means encroaching on family foundations, our author, the mother of a seven-year-old boy, discusses how one can influence a child in the worst way with his female example. For example, with the best intentions to grow a rag and an egoist out of his son.
The first sign: you support in the child the idea that he is the center of the universe… But he must understand that each person has himself at the center of the universe. And that’s okay.
I have the right to be weak. I have the right not to be undermined by every “Mom, bring some water.” I have the right to just lie on the couch and wait for breakfast to be prepared for me. Even if it’s just chocolate balls filled with milk. I’m a girl. No, don’t you think so?
No, of course, you can take care of your son until he comes of age. And it’s hard for a boy to carry the bags out of the store on their own! And do not allow yourself to get sick: nothing, that my temperature is 39, who will wash his trousers? And to sacrifice my interests for the sake of his “want”: of course, I will cancel the manicure, since he is so eager to go to the cinema.
Oh, I can already hear what your future daughter-in-law thinks of you. “I’m not your mother” will become the main theme of their conflicts.
Therefore, the best thing you can do for your son right now is to be a real woman. Otherwise, there will be no understanding of gender roles in it.
“You are carrying this bag, because it is hard for mom, and you are a man.”
“Sorry, but I already have plans for today. I want to look good so that you can be proud of me, so today I am going to the beauty salon. Let’s go to the movies another day? “
“May I consult with you? I’m not very good at this, and you are better. “
And, of course, no one cancels all possible help around the house: put things in the washing machine and turn it on, unload and load the dishwasher, vacuum and even cook something. And a man should also be able to peel potatoes, take out the trash, walk the dog, sew on a button, and wash the floor. Not all at once, gradually. But these are those men’s things that dad is unlikely to teach voluntarily. All in your hands.
Give you a hand, for example, on the stairs, hold the door, carry a package, make way for a seat in transport. Gallantry is an important trait of a decent man. And do not forget to praise and encourage him at the same time. After all, in boys, pride borders on self-doubt. And only you can support children’s self-esteem.
The second symptom: you no, no yes and say that men do not cry.
We recognize that the attitude of a man to a woman in a son is mainly laid by the father: flowers, signs of attention, respect, and so on. But it is in your power to cultivate in him an attitude towards the institution of the family. Let at some point he contemptuously call it all calf tenderness. But the period of youthful maximalism will pass. And then, if as a boy he sees that mom is always calm, smiles, never scolds dad out loud, does not humiliate him in front of his son, then he will look for the same girl as his wife. And you will sigh calmly, knowing that you will find yourself on the same wavelength with your daughter-in-law.
And also a mother can teach her son to show emotions, because a woman’s contact with her child is always closer. Emotions, by the way, are the most common. Human. No, do not cry with or without. But empathize, feel, understand. Rejoice and be sad. In general, make sure that an insensitive blockhead does not grow out of a child.
The third sign: you are just a mom. Motherhood has become for you the main way to realize yourself.
– And who is your mother?
– Well … just a mother …
– No, what does she do?
– Nothing … Sits at home, cooks dinner. Walking with me.
Do you like to hear this from the outside about yourself?
A small child is proud of his mother by definition. But when he gets older, this will not be enough. In order to retain his attention, his interest in himself, to maintain authority in adolescence, one must also be an interesting person. To avoid this dismissive: “What do you understand, she’s just a housewife, you are not interested in anything except soups.” You have to be objectively better and stronger in some way. No, soups won’t work.
I’m not even talking about a career now. It is not given to everyone to make it, many women decide to devote themselves to their family, and this is their worthy choice. But at the same time, it is important and necessary to have a favorite pastime, to be realized in any area. Otherwise, your child will develop, and you will not. In addition, a busy woman will never torture her son with her overprotection. There are plenty of other things to do.
The fourth sign: you cannot stop patronizing him.
It’s very, just insanely difficult. The virtual umbilical cord stretches to its limit, but still does not break. The brain screams: “Let go of you already at last the guy.” And the maternal instinct whispers: “What are you, he is still so small, you should always be there.”
Fear in the modern world covers so much that you are afraid to even let a seven-year-old go to the men’s room. And suddenly it is there, at this very moment, that there will be a lover of little boys. And you will not be able to do anything, although you will be almost there. What if he forgets to look around and, without looking, rushes out onto the road. And watching how awkward he tries to cut the meat is completely unbearable. It’s a knife!
Pull yourself together and trust your son now. Do not interfere in his affairs, do not solve his problems for him. Don’t say, “Why did you get into a fight at all.” If you climbed, then it was necessary. Let the dad find out the details in a man’s conversation. Do not go to deal with possible offenders, unless this is, of course, the extreme stage of bullying. Do you think I didn’t want to pile on six-year-olds who suddenly began to call my son in the kindergarten “pan”? As much as I wanted. I pulled myself together, talked to him about the situation, advised how to behave. It seems to have carried over.
Your task is to prompt and explain. But don’t do it instead. He must have mistakes that he will learn from. It is in your power to make sure that these errors are not critical. But tying a child to yourself, cultivating complexes in him, making him addicted is the biggest mistake. And yours.