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As the school system continues to change, parents are also looking for new approaches to parenting in the hope of raising their children to be happy. Positive psychology focuses on happiness, not success. How can she help us?
Type the word “education” into the search bar of any major bookstore. Books by Yulia Gippenreiter, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, Lyudmila Petranovskaya, Andrey Maksimov, Katerina Murashova, Thomas Gordon will appear first. And the trend will be indicated by itself: all of them, each in their own way, offer new models of parenthood.
Of course, many still act in the usual way: they send the child first to kindergarten, then to school, and they deal with his personality in his spare time according to the residual principle. The main thing is to feed, help with homework, put to sleep. Fortunately, more and more mothers and fathers want to master their parenting craft to perfection and are looking for their own way to do this.
The general direction is already clear: we are moving from traditional authoritarian methods of education to more respectful, free, equal relations with children. Actually, even the word “education” is now used less often: we do not force the child, but help him grow.
What is characteristic of new methods?
Optimism: they offer to strengthen the child’s enthusiasm, self-confidence, independence.
Pragmatism: they solve daily tasks – how to help him overcome anger or fear, return the desire to do homework.
Scientific Approach: Parenting advice draws not only on experience and reflection, but also on longitudinal research and the latest discoveries in the field of neuroscience. For example, studies have shown that a lack of empathy and constant humiliation affect the functioning of the child’s brain, his learning ability and relationships with others.
Why are the new methods better than the old ones?
“The norms in parenting that determine how to be a good parent have evolved significantly over the past century,” notes sociologist Claude Martin. “We have gone far from the authoritarian figure of the father of the family, whose main task was to pass on tribal values and traditions by inheritance.”
Today, parents are considered exemplary who convince the child without resorting to violence, help him without doing for him what he can do for himself, allow him to realize his potential without imposing his own tastes. But parents, as always, want concrete answers to their questions. What exactly does positive parenting offer them?
Teach self respect
The old-fashioned upbringing focused on bad behavior: the child learned what was good and what was bad when he did wrong. We can all vividly imagine an angry figure yelling, or even waving, at an “obnoxious” child. Essentially, this approach is to beat out the children’s misbehavior with a wedge of their own misbehavior.
Positive parenting suggests doing just the opposite. Like positive psychology in general, it is based on the belief that we develop only when we do what we like and what we are good at. Therefore, to raise a happy, well-behaved child, you need happy and “well-behaved” parents. After all, we can only give what we have, and, therefore, the child will reproduce how we behave towards him. This shift, which is happening before our eyes, can be described in another way.
Children need not so much praise, from which they quickly become addicted, as knowledge of their rights, their observance
“A habitual parenting strategy is aimed at controlling children. The method of positive parenting is to teach children to control themselves, ”says psychologist Barbara Harvey. This is not at all the same as the “carrot” as opposed to the “stick”: both are external means of influence, while the new approach proposes to give the child internal support and independence.
“Respect yourself and your children,” insists psychologist Irina Mlodik. “Children need not so much praise, from which they quickly become dependent, as knowledge of their rights, their observance, as well as respect for the feelings and needs of all family members. In this case, they will consider respect as a natural part of any relationship. A sense of self-worth will become a support for them in life.
Help them find their place
Unfortunately, the school does not always support parents in their desire to instill self-respect in children. Rather, today she is “tightening control measures in an effort to maintain order and power,” says psychologist Natalya Evsikova. “More and more independence is required from the child, but the space for its manifestation is shrinking. Those who have pronounced individual differences are pushed to the periphery.”
Then will our children, whom we raise bright personalities, be able to find their place in society?
Happy and successful people grow out of passionate kids who know what makes them happy.
The stereotypes widespread in society confuse adults, forcing them to confuse happiness and success: these concepts we usually go in one bundle.
“What is the use of their education, wide interests, professional success,” writes 42-year-old Polina Sanaeva, a blogger and journalist, about the generation of her parents, “if they were not happy and failed to make us happy?” And she concludes that it is happiness that she wants to learn herself and teach her children.
“They want their child to have a brilliant life,” Claude Martin describes today’s parents, “and at the same time they are afraid that they will be unhappy if they don’t follow their desires.” What is attractive about positive parenting is that it seeks to reconcile two paths that we considered mutually exclusive: the path of discipline and the path of self-actualization.
“Decide What You Want”
Irina Mlodik, psychologist
How will you determine the fate of the child? Will you proceed from your values and priorities? Or are you ready for a growing child to choose his own fate? If you want him to become a leader, allow him to make decisions that are feasible for his age, entrust projects and household chores.
If being creative means for him to be himself and get your approval, let him stand out with originality. At the same time, take care to at least slightly adapt it to the requirements of society.
If you want your child to become an adult sooner, show him what it means to be an adult. Talk about how your day goes, what you do, how you learned it. When and why did you lose faith in yourself and how did you find it again. What significant people you met on your way, how they helped you with advice, support, participation. Discuss his difficulties with him, asking what he thinks and feels, and do not rush to immediately give advice.
Happy and successful people grow out of enthusiastic children who know what brings them pleasure, and from childhood do what they love. They need to be helped to get to know who they are and to teach them to stand their ground when it is impossible to give in. This is possible if there are adult parents next to their children who are able to separate their past from the present of their children, cope with their own anxieties, and be a support and example for the child.
About expert
Irina Mlodik – existential and child psychotherapist, author of programs for working with children and books, including “A Book for Non-Ideal Parents, or Life on a Free Subject” (Genesis, 2013).