How to become a winner in a world of aggressors

What kind of toxic person is he?

Harassment, scandals, violation of boundaries – almost daily we are faced with aggression. She is different. The aggressor does not always act openly and is aware of his motives.

Let’s imagine a situation: our friend/beloved/colleague is constantly late for meetings, but behaves as if nothing had happened. If you justified him by saying that he is simply not punctual, then no, he is not. By his behavior, such a “comrade” demonstrates his disrespect, which means that this can be safely considered an example of hidden aggression.

How to recognize an aggressive person?

First of all, pay attention to the look, movements, gestures and reaction of your own body when in contact with a negative person.

Often, we can even count hidden aggression with the help of internal signals. For example, in the presence of this person, drowsiness, pressure in the temples, or even a slight attack of nausea may appear, we want to move away from him as soon as possible. Listen to your reactions, learn to recognize them and manage them.

Unlike passive aggression, active aggression is visible to the naked eye: sharp movements, too wide gestures, constant shifting of the gaze from side to side. The aggressors do not hesitate to shout, command and completely forget about etiquette.

Another sign of aggression can be manipulation. When a person tries to “shut up” us, he interrupts and does not want to listen to any arguments and arguments. It is often difficult to negotiate with such people, because it is more important for them to prove their case than to maintain a relationship.

How to translate a quarrel into a peaceful direction?

Let’s look at a few real life situations.

The first situation: the aggressor is the boss

For a competent way out of this situation, you cannot be either in the role of a “victim”, or in the role of a “rescuer”, or in the role of the same “aggressor”. If this happens, then you need to immediately exit the game.

The dialogue will look something like this. First, flattery from the category: “Ivan Ivanovich, I respect you immensely, you are really a high-class specialist.” Then we “join” the emotions of the boss, using something like: “I perfectly understand your feelings”, “I share your indignation.” And finally, we proceed to the presentation of our position, starting with the phrase: “At the same time, let me speak.”

Avoid expressions such as “I agree with you / on, but …” – this is a red rag for the aggressor.

The second situation: the aggressor is the spouse

Here we will do without formulas, but with a clear checklist:

1. No tears! You must be absolutely calm and confident.
2. There is no need to move from the position of the wife to the position of his mother. Just do not use “mom” phrases from the series “Why are you so worried?”, “Why are you so worried?”.
3. Do not yell or use physical force. The situation can easily get out of control.

How then should one behave? You can get out of the situation by correctly setting out your position. For example, like this: “You know, I love and appreciate you! I hear your position and I also want to save our relationship, but I see what is happening differently. And then give your opinion.

We immediately leave an important note: if the husband is aggressive and constantly brings you to emotions, then it’s time to turn to a psychologist to understand why you chose such a person and whether it is worth staying with him at all.

How to define the rules of communication with you?

In any communication, it is important to establish boundaries and rules. And the situation in which the aggressor “presses” you is a clear signal that it is time to do this! Tell him, “I will not accept such treatment. If you want to continue a dialogue with me, then only in a respectful manner. Wait until the aggressor calms down, realizes his inappropriate behavior and is ready for normal communication.

In general, we have three main reactions to stress: hit, run, freeze. Some attack or even use physical violence in stressful situations. Others experience a complete “numbness”. And still others are always running away from problems. These are just those people who endlessly jump from relationship to relationship or, for example, from job to job. But you understand that you can’t run away from yourself. So, most likely, the role model will be repeated.

Is it worth pausing the situation?

There is no single answer. A pause is good, but its duration will depend on the people and the situation. For some, even five to ten minutes is enough to calm down. And someone is silent for years. And this is a fairly common situation in many families.

It is worth getting out of this pause when you are ready to give up the “I am right” position, but are not yet ready to put up with the “wrong” position. Go into conversation with an understanding of the problem and be prepared to speak openly, in an adult way. Adjusting, lying, manipulating – this is not what will help build relationships.

How to end the dialogue while maintaining the relationship?

The transition from oral to written communication can be helpful. There are more opportunities to control emotions and avoid hasty decisions. There is even a 30 minute rule. Read the message – walk around for half an hour, distract from the situation. Then take a detached look at what is happening by asking yourself three questions: “How can this conflict affect me today?”, “How will it affect me in 10 days?”, “And what will happen in 10 months?”

In addition, it will be great to give different types of arguments in order to clarify your position. To do this as rationally and balanced as possible, take a break, switch, then take a piece of paper and write down all the pros and cons of different scenarios.

Start not from what you differed in, but from what unites you with a person, some kind of common rational grain. And make a decision on a cold head, thinking about the future. Give each other a second chance!