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What is sex? How are children born? Why do people make love? The questions our child asks are often confusing and sometimes confusing. Psychologist Esther Perel suggests how to deal with this difficulty.
“When to tell children about sex? I’m six months pregnant, this is my second child, and our five-year-old daughter touches my belly and asks where her brother will come from. I have no idea what to answer her and how.
Mega, 39 years old
“At about the age of four, children begin to ask about death and birth: “Where did grandmother go?” or “How did my sister come about?”. Teaching kids about sex is one of the best things you can do as a parent. This way you will help them avoid many mistakes. According to statistics, 70% of teenagers have already had sex by the age of 19. Let them learn about it from you rather than from the Internet.
How to behave during a conversation
Talking to your child about sex doesn’t just mean «talking.» It matters how you behave. Many parents believe that if a teenager knows nothing about sex, he is safe. That this information could harm him, that it was wrong, dangerous. But children who see their parents express tenderness and affection to each other (keeping within accepted boundaries) cannot perceive sexuality negatively. Conversely, by refusing to discuss sensitive topics, parents will only pass on their fears to their children.
“Call a spade a spade. Sex is not dirty or shameful, it does not need to be hidden. Don’t use the euphemisms «hidden places» or «mother’s close friend»
Talk about pleasure
We have sex primarily for pleasure, not for procreation. It is especially important for teenagers to be aware of this. Sexuality education rarely addresses this issue. But after all, sex is an opportunity to get to know yourself better, to establish a connection with another person, and this is so important in youth.
Explaining how children appear, we can say that a child is possible only when it is done by people who love each other. You can say this: “It’s nice. It reminds me a little of how I stroke you or kiss you on the forehead. Only adults have a different way of expressing love to each other. It’s also nice, but in a different way.”
Do not be embarrassed
Call a spade a spade. Sex is not dirty or shameful, it does not need to be hidden. Don’t use euphemisms like «hidden places» or «mother’s close friend.» A penis is a penis, a vagina is a vagina. Speak directly and openly. Children learn all this from the Internet or from their friends anyway, so be honest. Answer briefly, clearly and precisely what is being asked. Don’t complicate your answers with new words. Discussing sexuality with children means opening the way for them to self-respect, to the desire for love and intimacy.
If a five-year-old child asks, «Where did I come from?», You can say: «You came from your mother’s belly.» If a ten-year-old asks, you can answer in more detail: “You grew up in your mother’s uterus for nine months, and then you were born from her vagina.”
Talking about sex with children can be uncomfortable, especially if you grew up in an environment where sex was not discussed. Nothing wrong. Then it will be easier. If the child is embarrassed, you can say, «It’s natural to have difficulty having a conversation like this, but I love you and I want it to be easier for you to choose a loved one, so we need to talk about these important things.» If you are embarrassed, remember that you are creating an environment for your child in which sex is considered not a shameful secret, but a natural part of everyone’s life, and you want your child to trust you and know that you can be asked about everything that he worries. And what could be more expensive and more important? Try not to interrupt the delicate conversation, but do not rush to finish it.
What can you teach
Never schedule a «Conversation». The idea that children benefit from an informational attack on the topic of sex, despite the fact that this has never been talked about before, can hardly be called successful! Think about what you can teach your child. That, starting from a very early age, you can tell him about love, gender differences, the structure of the human body, relationships between people.
For example, you watch a movie in which the heroine is pregnant, or you read in a book that a cat has kittens — this is where you can start. Incorporate the conversation about sexuality into your daily life, step by step. And when the time comes to seriously discuss contraceptive methods, it will be easier for you and your child to talk about it.