How to be a husband (L. Zharov)

I’m smart, and my wife is smarter

There is only one way to achieve happiness — to learn the laws of life and live according to these laws. I have been studying happy people in real life for a long time — they all live according to the same life laws.

Once a woman in her forties told us:

— Well, who is your leader in the family, I understand!

I was a little dumbfounded — I never thought who our leader was. Why didn’t you think? And not interested. But when, in other conversations, women made it clear to me that, in their opinion, I was lower than my wife on such a ladder, and this was somehow not good, I became thoughtful.

Of course, he was not upset, but he began to take a closer look at other married couples who, in my opinion, live by the same laws as we do. These were mostly our acquaintances, but from newspaper publications, from TV shows, famous couples also emerged, for example: Elena Bonner and Andrei Sakharov, Natalya and Alexander Solzhenitsyn, Raisa and Mikhail Gorbachev, Galina Vishnevskaya and Mstislav Rostropovich, Lyudmila Belousova and Oleg Protopopov …

It was said about them all that the wife subjugates her husband, and he is forced to fulfill her whims. It’s clear to me: these husbands are the smartest men, whose will even breaks the backbone of the state, but their main achievement is not in career victories. They were smart enough to discover that women understand many things in life better than men.

If I were not writing now, but talking, I would look around, and then whisper in your ear:

— They left us pieces of iron and football-hockey, but they understand everything else better!

Here is the idea of ​​nature: a man is stronger and more stubborn, a woman is smarter and more flexible. Together they are a team in the game of life.

Then I remembered, yeah, hockey. The Great Three Mikhailov-Petrov-Kharlamov. Who was Kharlamov there? Artist, virtuoso, stroke and pass genius, favorite of the Soviet and Canadian peoples.

And who was Mikhailov? Fighter, scorer, captain.

And who was Petrov? Hard worker, support, strategist.

Well, would Kharlamov become a virtuoso and a favorite without Mikhailov and Petrov? Without them, he did not shine and was even sent to Udmurtia, to the city of Glazov, for an internship.

And it’s not just the stroke conditions, it’s the team; someone throws the puck from afar, someone finishes it on the spot, and someone solos anywhere.

Every time I’m told about family leadership, I think of these three. A man, in my opinion, ideally pulls for two, for Mikhailov and Petrov. And a woman, in my opinion, is called to shine like Kharlamov. Women understand this from the age of five, but men …

And here is Zharov’s law: «I am smart, and my wife is smarter.»

If you accept the law, let the unlucky ones despise you! Have pity on them, don’t argue, don’t argue, nod, nod (they love to be nodded). But try to communicate less — so as not to waste energy in vain. Look with whom you can talk about life, and with whom about the results of the elections to the United States Congress.

Yes, sometimes there are stupid wives. They forget about their natural destiny: to please their husband. My wife Svetlana Ermakova said today: what does a woman want? for a man to want.

But much more often love disappears because of a man’s campaign against nature.

refrigerator method

The most important thing is her calmness; her confidence that for you she is the most beautiful; ideally the only one. For your own happiness, she must know that you are not cheating on her.

Clarification. Despite your efforts, the wife will always doubt you; a certain percentage, she will keep the correction for male bestiality. Recently, Henrietta Yanovskaya said: a husband and wife lived, after 80 years she was sick a lot, and he died unexpectedly. Many people came to the funeral; wife and says: “It is good that he was the first of us to die. Look how many respected people came! And if I had died first, he would have brought some girl in a couple of months. Imagine what a scandal would be!

If you want to be happy, you can make this feminine mistrust a fairly small amount. And here is a piece of advice: watch your gestures when sexy women appear near you. All these hugs, friendly kisses are atavisms of pre-family life, exclude them. Save your wife, she’ll get in trouble elsewhere; what it takes to get to work in the morning!

There will definitely come a time (I was thirty-three years old) when you will be surprised — women will start hugging you at a meeting. And I have already learned how to get out of this situation without offending a woman. The method is called: refrigerator «ZIL». Well, you know — a large refrigerator, oval, old-fashioned, any master will say: the most reliable. In general, I portray this refrigerator. And women immediately understand everything. Of course, I am friendly and very cheerful talking to them, but my hands are at my sides, you understand?

And the wife does not see, you understand?

Gradually, the thought of caring for my wife settled down in my head so much that even in a dream I remember her, and when some other woman dreams, it doesn’t come to treason.

The question is, why should a man restrain his natural, natural instincts? I answer: a necessary condition for a happy life is not to have secrets from your wife. When there is nothing to hide, you are relaxed, you can talk about everything, and this is an endless source of pleasure. After all, you can talk for hours, and continue the next day, and the next, and, say, an orgasm lasts about five seconds.

I note: not having secrets from your wife does not mean becoming uninteresting, unraveled. You throw up unexpected topics for her in conversations, pick up her thoughts, suddenly turn them around — after all, you are completely relaxed, do not restrain yourself, do not control, like a resident in an enemy camp. In addition, you save nervous energy, which means that you have the strength to come up with something unexpected — a new dish or a new combination of a waistcoat with a cool coat.

Don’t dance with anyone but her

This is my invention, and it seems to me important. Let the wife dance with whoever she wants, that’s her business; but I told myself that she shouldn’t see me hugging someone.

I’ll warn you: you need to especially prepare for her cute pranks: sometimes wives want to flirt with someone, pull our strings. So let her pull, not me. She can, I can’t. Because — who is smarter? .. That’s the same.

Beware here…

Surely there will be people who are upset by your marriage. So they need to be excommunicated from home — so as not to waste energy (politely excommunicate; politely, but excommunicate!).

Once, at the beginning of our family life, a friend from another city came to visit us. All evening he very inspiredly persuaded me to drink vodka with him, and when he did not persuade me, he was very upset. And in the morning, before leaving, looking at our tiny kitchenette, for some reason he said:

— You won’t be able to do anything. Cockroaches will eat your love!

But the relationship was good! How the three of us laughed, how we chatted excitedly, how many letters were written to each other … But here is one phrase, and it is clear how a person treats you. Do not skip such phrases! They are a call in a mine detector, a signal from the subconscious of a friend, relative, friend. General rule: if you spoiled the mood, beware. After the second time — politely step back, bring the relationship to naught.

Usually such sayings are noticed by wives. And draw conclusions. And husbands either get smarter or pour more.

Only self-feeding!

Every man wants to have fun at night. To deliver this nocturnal pleasure, a woman must be tireless; if she works, she does not have enough strength by night. Therefore, a man who takes for granted the dinner prepared by his wife terribly robs himself. Prepare food, you know — half an hour. Wash the dishes afterwards — another 15 minutes. And at this time you can talk, or listen, or think. You can be sure that they will quickly become proud of you. They will begin to forgive the inevitable male flaws in clothing, in clumsy gestures and phrases, a little forgetfulness, but you never know!

Understand a simple thing: self-feeding is not a tax, not a duty, but a profitable investment of strength. Only you can regularly make yourself salads — laborious work, but eaten quickly.

Today, the average life expectancy of a man in Russia is 58 years, and that of a woman is 72; you think it’s the vodka and the smoking? I think it’s primarily about the food. A woman will make herself a vinaigrette, rub a carrot, sprinkle with a radish, crumble an apple there, press the garlic … And a peasant going to work will put a sandwich with sausage and a thick layer of butter. He’s pretty grunty, and he’s fine. Why are you like this?

For ten years I worked on expeditions in the north of Western Siberia, and for three seasons as a student in the Arctic — everywhere there men prepared food for themselves. But does the profession determine the habit of brushing your teeth, for example?

And should we talk about laundry?

Well, she has nothing to do in the market!

And the grocery store too! They can offend there, and it’s hard to bear from there. In both cases, she will get tired, but why do I need a tired wife? It is better to bring food to a man’s house. This was told to me, a student, by a forty-year-old Muscovite friend:

“The first thing I do when I get home from work is open the fridge. And if something is missing there: milk, meat, vegetables — it doesn’t matter, I immediately take my bag and go to the store. Especially if the wife has not yet returned from work. And when she comes and sees that all the products have been bought, then I’m not a husband! I am not a husband! I am a Hero of the Soviet Union! I am Alexander Matrosov! Because men don’t go to the store because of such a trifle as a carrot, but I do!”.

At the same time, notice that in the store a woman is less tense. Recently, my wife bought tangerines at the market from a colorful old Caucasian man, and when she reached for her wallet, she propped up the bag with her leg raised and bent at the knee. And the old man, smiling, said: “Let’s help,” and grabbed her knee with his hands. She did not twitch, took out her purse, as if it were the right thing to do. She told me about it a few days later; At first I was angry with the Caucasian, and then I admired: the elegant one found a way to hold on to a woman’s leg! But do all women have as much humor as my wife?

Children are flowers, but you are not manure in the garden

I’ll tell you the theory of the flower. Svetlana and I came up with this comparison a long time ago: children are flowers, parents are the soil in the garden. The flower grows and seeks to pull everything out of the soil. And the wisdom of parents lies in the fact that not to give all the juices, you must leave for yourself. Here nature tried: I want to give everything! Especially for a woman, such a danger guards. That’s where a man should have secured her. Take the children out of the house, let the wife come to her senses, chat with a girlfriend, watch TV, read a book, and most importantly, think in silence. If the child is sick, send the wife to her girlfriends. Be a hero in her eyes!

The rule seems ironclad to me: the main thing is the calmness of the wife, the future of the children later, in the future. A woman rushes into the future of a child when she sees no future for herself. That’s the challenge for a man!

Admit you are an idiot

If you look directly, today I’m in an idiotic position. To put it bluntly, I’m an idiot. Because a year ago he did not listen to his wife, trusted a person who cannot be trusted; he has failed before. During this year, it fell out to us to argue what to do? Go or wait? Agree or refuse? We argue, I object, she objects, we hesitate, sometimes we postpone decisions, sometimes she says: “Yes, you were, as always, right!” (this is “as always” she has obligatory politeness, like “thank you”).

But I have already decided: when Svetlana Ermakova speaks her decision after the discussion, adding: “And you do it your way!” — I will bow to her opinion.

I think that a man has a direct reason to tell a woman about all the intrigues at his work, and most importantly, to ask for advice, because relationships between people are her element. Don’t laugh at stupid (by male terms) talk shows. For a woman, the main thing is not the plot and not thoughts, but the behavior of people, the study of people. I have been convinced many times that a woman’s intuition is ten times higher than a man’s. What is intuition? It is knowledge applied automatically, without thinking. That is why having a loving wife and not telling her about your work affairs is dumber than hammering nails with a microscope. After all, the microscope is silent; you extract information from it yourself, and a woman presents you with a ready-made solution over a cup of tea.

Praise her!

There are different ways to impress a woman. If my wife wasn’t working with me, I would have met her boss; especially if that boss is a woman. I would come to her work and first fix the cabinet door, tighten the screw on the socket or glue the chair leg. Of course, I would bring tools and glue with me. Of course, this minor repair would be done in two or three offices, and not just at his wife’s. And three times, of course, I would talk about trifles (and not only about trifles) with colleagues and superiors.

I sincerely wonder why most men do not have such an apparently useful habit. You spend half a day, and you get the admiration of your wife, and she gets the admiration of her friends and a smart leader. Why don’t men do such simple things?

If a wife has a conflict at work, why not talk to her superiors? Politely, sympathetically, offer your help … Won’t it help? What will not help, work? But it will help your relationship! And you will not surprise us with work, there is enough of it in Russia. If the conflict does not subside, the man should do everything to help his wife find a new job. Drop everything and do only this, you will get more than lost (allegedly) money — female admiration! Money will be earned — remember, they were somehow earned five years ago; and fifteen.

Don’t turn your back on her office problems! My good friend, an experienced person, is making a big mistake today: his wife has an irritable boss, she often cries in the evenings, but does not leave because she is afraid that she will not find another job because of her age. And my friend, having advised her several times to quit, does not look for her a job, does not scour the city, does not stir up the newspapers. In vain! In vain … Is it possible that he — with his mind, connections, with his energy — will not solve this problem? Especially when you remember how little the wife is paid …

Don’t die at fifty

Most importantly, tell your wife about your fears. Do not try to defeat nature, remember: a woman is by nature much smarter than a man. By the way, when I said this unpretentious thought to the famous sociologist Boris Doktorov, he quoted his uncle, and his uncle is not easy, he wrote, for example, a book about Einstein in the series “Life of Remarkable People”. The quote sounded like this: «A man is a pitiful imitation of a woman.» Well, no need to compete with them in the mind: we are stronger, they are smarter! And if someone is smart enough to understand this, he has a chance to become a happy husband of a happy wife.

What will happen to a man if he hides his fear from the woman he loves? There is no mystery here, he will die pretty quickly. When I hear that N. was not sick with anything and suddenly died, I understand: N. was sick, but did not talk about his illness. It does not happen that a healthy organism suddenly dies.

I have never heard of a healthy woman dying suddenly. There are no such conversations, not a single woman will keep inside herself the state secret of her illness; this is the lot of narrow-minded men. She will immediately begin to consult, read, call, discuss, and most importantly, act in order to preserve her beauty and health.

You do not become weaker in her eyes when you talk about your doubts — do not forget how grateful she is to you for your protection. Reread the previous nine subheadings — these are the nine degrees of protection that you surrounded her with. Are there many such men around? Yes, if you do at least half — she is proud of you! (But if you don’t do at least a third, she will stop loving you, despite your money, limousines and helicopters).

There is no better doctor, psychotherapist, consultant, expert on regional and foreign policy than the beloved woman. Dostoevsky wrote to his wife: “Trust you with a whole state, and you will manage it perfectly.” Most importantly, the expressed fear poses a problem, illuminates it; The basis of any fear is always ignorance. Find out, then act — fear is removed only in this way. And who better than a beloved woman can find out about her husband? She knows better than even he knows about himself — because Nature is on her side.

Ask the recovered men — who cured them? ..

The question is, what is the result?

And as a result, a man will get something that he did not even dream of. (By the way, do women know what men dream about? Before going to bed and immediately after sleep, in a warm half-sleep, a man usually dreams of women — first one, then the other …). So, a man will get a lot, a lot of sex and other joys, and at home, for free and without bad health consequences. Isn’t it smart? Isn’t it profitable for the most pragmatic?

And all you need to do is create conditions.

A woman is not a factory for the production of cutlets, she knows how to create an atmosphere in the house. A woman is a factory for the production of happiness. And you are the director of this plant, you are a marketer, a supplier, a public relations manager, a guard shooter, a head of amateur performances … Cool!