How to be a “good listener” and not suffer?

Each of us has a girlfriend or friend with whom we share disappointments, sorrows and other difficult feelings. We call them to pour out our hearts and complain if the boss made a tactless remark or a new boyfriend did not show up for a date.

If there is no such person in your life, perhaps you yourself are playing this role for others. Everyone turns to you in difficult situations. There is even a special term for this: “workers with a negative”.

This term is not new. He first appeared in 1999: he began to call an employee who always let his colleagues cry or was able to withstand the anger and frustration of a large group. In organizations, “negative employees” are often people who participate in many departments and interact with employees of different levels.

As “negative workers” are described: “We have seen them comfort colleagues, defuse the situation and take fire from a harsh boss. They are trying to alleviate suffering during contractions.”

And although we are talking about colleagues here, this term can easily be applied to friends and relatives.

“Employees with negativity” are like a sponge absorbing someone else’s negativity, allowing those around them to feel better again. But a person who takes on someone else’s frustration and anger runs the risk of quickly «burning out», as a result of which his personal and professional life suffers.

There are even physical consequences: “soaking up” other people’s problems leads to stress, which can cause health problems, up to migraines, heart attacks or ulcers.

We are not perfect. We all need to share our experiences with others and listen to them in return. When life seems too hard and stressful, talking to people allows us to breathe easier.

The main thing is not to complain too often and not to let friends and relatives do it. The secret is in balance.

If you consider yourself a «negative worker», here are some tips to help you stay in control and avoid burnout.

The next time a chronic complainer tries to blame you, let him know that you can’t stop what you’re doing to chat.

• If someone constantly cries at you and does not understand the hints about your busyness, try to talk openly and directly. Explain that sometimes the burden of someone else’s problems weighs too much on you.
• If a relative constantly calls you to ask for advice, let them know that you can’t always pay attention to him. Tell your mom, sister, or brother that you’re happy to chat or give advice, but you can’t be available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
• If you enjoy pleasing people and can’t refuse them, take small steps. First, train yourself to say no. Politely refuse a friend who calls you to a bar when you are dying of fatigue. Say “maybe another time” if your sister asks you to babysit at the last moment, and you already have other plans.

Learn to refuse small things, then over time you will learn to be firm in more serious matters. Try to be a good friend, but don’t jeopardize your own well-being. It is important to find a balance and not rush to extremes.

If you yourself use the help of a “negative worker”, here are some tips to help you understand when to complain and when to wait.

• Think about how often you come to a friend to talk. If this happens more than once a week, chances are you’re overweight. Try to step back and think about situations in which you really need advice. If you only reach out to a friend at important times, you’ll get better referrals.
• Ask a friend if they want to talk or talk about something before they talk about their problems. This will help you establish a mutually beneficial emotional relationship.
• Try talking to a specialist, a psychiatrist, or a psychotherapist to sort out some of the issues. If that prospect doesn’t appeal to you, try other ways to relieve stress, like exercise or journaling.