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Before the birth of a second baby, parents are usually nervous: will the older child want to play with the younger one? Here are five tips from experienced parents to help build friendships between siblings.
When several children grow up in a family, parents have to wonder how to distribute their attention between them. How to make sure that children are not jealous of their parents to each other? Recently, the Eksmo publishing house published the book Brothers and Sisters. How to help your children live together. Its authors, world-famous parent-child communication experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, offer their readers some important advice.
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- Is it possible to love your children equally?
1. “Revive” a newborn for an older child
Everyone knows that newborns are not the most cheerful playmates. All they can do is cry, eat and sleep. Boring! Try to interest an older toddler in a new family member. For example, one mother came into the room of a three-year-old son with a baby and said: “Anton, Vanya asks if he can lie on the bed with you?” Anton smiled and said: yes, maybe. Then the mother turned to the baby: “Vanya, Anton says yes! Let’s get under the covers!” Mom also helped the elder see how much the younger loves him and needs him: “If the baby was crying, I said:“ Don’t be afraid, Vanya, Anton is nearby. We also try to get the older child’s attention if the younger one does something funny. For example, if he starts chewing toys, I can say: “Oh, Vanya! Toys are not eaten for breakfast!” Anton laughs and adds: “Yes! You can’t eat toys, silly!” As if our Vanya himself came up with a joke to make everyone laugh – it’s fun with him.
2. Treat kids like they’re a team
Try by all means to avoid rivalry between children, let them get used to counting on each other. “Brothers ready to go to the playground?” or “Let’s give our sisters a bath” or “Brother and sister want to jump on the bed?” The desire to find your own and belong to a group is inherent in a person – this instinct can be used to make children feel like one fun team. Brothers (or sisters, brother and sister) against the world!
3. Don’t label
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish categorically advise against giving children “roles” – “our little artist”, “musician”, “athlete”. This includes the bully and the victim. “If Liza pushes little Polina, I try not to call her bad, a bully, and Polina is weak and defenseless,” mother Ksenia shares her experience. – I say: Lisa, this is too strong. You sisters should be more careful with each other. Lisa and Paul, do you understand? Do you agree? Don’t forget to take care of each other.”
4. Set aside time for each child
“Before Yegor was born, Styopa and I spent a lot of time together,” says the mother of four-year-old and eight-month-old sons Marina. – Every evening we went to the playground with him or rode a bicycle. After Yegor appeared, the three of us began to do everything together. After some time, I noticed that Styopa had changed – he “sticked” to me during the day, dragged out time indefinitely when I put him to bed. Then I realized that the time before bedtime was for him rare moments alone with me and he missed “our” time. Therefore, we began to plan outings in advance – only for the two of us, when Yegor stayed at home with his dad and vice versa. On Sunday evenings, her husband takes Styopa with him to a restaurant, takes him to school every morning. So each child gets his time alone with each parent. We plan our “dates” ahead of time and talk about them as the date gets closer – the anticipation makes them even more special.”
5. Don’t ignore the older child if the younger one is the center of attention.
“When Varya was a newborn, she mostly slept, but now, having learned to walk and communicate, she attracts much more attention to herself,” says Igor, father of three-year-old Kolya and one-year-old Varya. – Strangers often come up to us on a walk, turning to Varya: “How pretty, how pretty!” – and completely ignoring Kolya. There is nothing wrong with that, children do not need to be around them 24 hours a day. But from Kolya, I see that he is offended when he is not noticed because of his sister – he begins to sing loudly in order to attract attention to himself. Therefore, I try to immediately include him in the conversation. If someone asks: “How old is your girl?” – I answer: “Recently turned a year old, and her older brother recently turned three.” Or if someone says: “How well she already walks with you,” I thank: “Thank you! The older brother helped her learn.” So Kolya does not feel that he was forgotten or that he is superfluous.