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Sometimes just saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. You need to show the person that you understand his feelings and are ready to take responsibility for your words and actions. What does a good request for forgiveness look like?
1. Show that you understand the situation
“One of the common mistakes is to ask for forgiveness “for everything,” says Anna Mayer, a psychologist and life coach. – Someone who apologizes in general terms is easily suspected of insincerity. The offended person may think that you did not understand the reason for what happened or do not attach importance to it.
If you really want to be believed, be specific. Have you not understood why your words or actions offended the person? Say so. That alone will show that you care.”
2. Accept your responsibility
Nobody likes to feel guilty. It hurts self-esteem and leaves a heavy mark on relationships. But try to think not about guilt, but about responsibility. You are responsible for your behavior and for the consequences it causes.
“When you ask someone’s forgiveness, it’s important to say that it was your fault,” says Roy Lewicki, professor of management and human resources at Ohio State University. “You made it – and you’re sorry about it.”
3. Forget about being “right”
Everyone has their own view of the situation. You can have different points of view – it’s natural. Often we are afraid to ask for forgiveness, because we believe that in this way we are losing ground. But it’s not.
If you see that complete reconciliation is not yet possible, do not rush things
Your goal is not to establish the truth, but to restore relationships. The only truth that matters is how the other feels. Instead of arguing whether he/she did the right thing, acknowledge that his/her feelings were hurt.
4. Ask if you are ready to forgive
Often we look at asking for forgiveness as a ritual. It seems to us that this word will magically correct the situation, and the relationship will again become the same. But this is not always possible, especially if you have caused a deep offense to a person. If this is the case, you need to accept that “rewind everything” will not work.
Ask if the person is ready to forgive you. Perhaps it won’t happen now. But you will show that you respect his feelings and don’t try to manipulate him.
5. Don’t try to earn forgiveness right away.
If you’ve offended someone, wanting to make amends seems logical and understandable. But do not rush to offer options. A person may think that you are bargaining, ask him to name the price of his resentment. This may offend him even more. You hurt his feelings, treated him with disdain – he has every right to be angry with you.
If you see that complete reconciliation is not yet possible, do not rush things. Ask if there is anything you can do to be trusted again, but don’t push.