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Are there couples who don’t argue? It’s more of an exception than the rule. However, often we avoid conflicts because we lack arguments and are afraid of losing. How to argue “without trump cards”?
Some couples never argue, managing to find a conflict-free path to common solutions. But sometimes there are no skirmishes for another reason: one of the partners blocks any attempts at confrontation – for fear of losing the discussion or losing a partner. However, it is possible to argue quite peacefully, and even without compelling arguments.
Give up, agree or be right
“Some couples always strive to find an acceptable solution and accept that it may not be easy or there may not be a compromise at all,” explains psychotherapist Berit Brockhausen. – In such alliances, partners do not make scandals with each other with loud reproaches, insults or slamming doors. They may disagree, but convey their opinion to the partner calmly and objectively.
One reason why couples don’t argue could be that there hasn’t been a major conflict of interest in their relationship so far, Brockhausen explains. At first, harmony often prevails in a couple: everything is new, everything is pink, and the partner’s little quirks seem more cute than annoying.
Ask yourself: “What do I want: to be right or to be good with my partner?”
The bad news: it won’t last forever. One day a question will arise that cannot be solved in five minutes by concessions and compromises. And here the most interesting begins. In disputes, not only truth is born, but also an understanding of who is in front of us.
“But when couples don’t fight at all, it can be detrimental to relationships,” says family therapist Henning Mattei. – For example, when partners hide important topics or their own feelings. Avoiding conflict is hardly the right decision, especially if important and sensitive issues such as having children or the possibility of moving are hushed up. If you are thinking about a future together, these questions will have to be clarified sooner or later.”
If you are already literally seething, then before you start a fight, ask yourself: “What do I want: to be right or to be good with my partner?” Those who choose the second option focus on the main thing: finding a solution.
Even happy couples argue
If two people decide to live together, tension cannot be completely avoided. Their needs, goals, desires will clash again and again, and sooner or later they will need to be brought to a common denominator. Whether a couple will be happy or not does not depend on whether the partners are in conflict. Disputes are inevitable, but it’s not bad if they lead to a solution acceptable to both. What’s more, couples who successfully manage conflict are more likely to stay together.
What do couples argue about the most? The reasons are approximately the same for both “satisfied” and “dissatisfied” partners:
- jealousy,
- finances (who contributes how much to the general budget, who pays for what),
- upbringing (differences in views regarding rigor, discipline),
- leisure (what to do in your free time, where to go on vacation),
- housekeeping and cleanliness (who takes care of household chores and to what extent),
- relatives who interfere in relationships,
- problems in communications (wrong interpretation of words and agreements, fuzzy wording),
- bad habits.
What to do when there are no good arguments
It happens that you understand in your gut that the interlocutor is wrong, but the words and thoughts seem to have disappeared from your head. Not scary. These five tips will help you get through the swamps of conflict without your opponent even noticing that you have no arguments.
1. Turn on your composure
It is clear that the fewer arguments we have, the faster we lose self-control. Understands this and our interlocutor – at least unconsciously. Even children feel it. So take your sword out of its sheath and breathe deeply. If you remain calm, you win.
2. Find the weaknesses of the interlocutor
Listen carefully to your opponent and go over the weak points in his reasoning. Of course, this is not the best step from a moral point of view, but if it is really important for you to endure this battle and win, the end in this case justifies the means. We can learn from our interlocutors how they deal with our vulnerabilities. Find at least one small flaw in your partner’s argument – and you are back in the game!
3. Don’t make excuses where you shouldn’t.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is just not get involved in the prove you’re right game. Do not respond to objections, do not cling to specific words and do not try to bring any facts to prove your case. We always have the right to say, “I don’t want to get into a fight. I won’t comment on it. I have my own idea of how it all happened, but I don’t want to prove anything.”
4. Compromise
If you do not have arguments, it will be difficult for you to convince another 100%. Try to set realistic goals from the very beginning: compromise, not victory. If you are obviously in a losing position, it will be a victory if the interlocutor, who initially did not agree with you on anything, eventually at least partially admits that you are right.
Just 10 minutes ago, my wife categorically did not want to go on vacation in the fall, but now she does not mind that the trip to the sea caught the last week of August and the first week of September.
5. Be above anger
The real “killers” of the conflict will be phrases such as “I completely understand you and I would like you to understand me” or “There is no reason to yell at me.” After them, the “sail” of the interlocutor, filled with anger, will quickly collapse, and you will stay on the horse, even if it looks more like a pony.