Contents
Any word spoken in the heat of an argument can destroy a friendship or interfere with an interesting acquaintance. How to keep the discussion from going beyond the bounds of reason? A few simple rules.
We love to argue. Comments on countless articles and posts on the internet prove this. The more we get involved in defending our point of view, the higher the risk of switching to insults. American journalist Mike Godwin even brought out a kind of law: «as the discussion intensifies, the chances of using a comparison with Hitler approach one.»
Does this mean that we are initially aggressive and intolerant of each other? Of course not. It’s just that verbal duel turns us on so much that we stop seeing boundaries. An interlocutor with a position different from ours becomes an adversary. How not to move from a correct conversation to a showdown? Just stick to these five principles.
1. Look for what unites you
Most of us are close to such basic values as justice, kindness, freedom, security. But for each of us, they are embodied in different images. Disagreements often arise because of the clash of these images. Although it is worth deciphering them, and the dispute will be sucked out of thin air.
Social philosophers Hugo Mercier and Dan Sperber note: “People who try to prove something cannot appreciate the arguments of another person, because they consider them an attack against their picture of the world in advance.” In other words, when we are busy defending our point of view, we become deaf to others. By turning to core values, we can turn an argument into a shared search for truth.
2. Think about the future
In the heat of a heated argument, ask yourself what is more important to you: winning or maintaining the relationship. Are you ready to prefer the momentary pleasure of your superiority to the opportunity to talk with this person again in the future? Psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne believes that the ability to think about the future helps us to be more attentive to the interlocutor. When interlocutors plan to maintain relationships, it is easier for them to compromise, forgive and forget insults. You may not win the dispute. But at least you will have a chance to return to this topic in the future.
3. Use unexpected moves
Sometimes arguments flare up out of instinctive displeasure rather than conscious disagreement, notes Susan Krauss Whitbourne. “Controversy tends to go in cycles, to go through the same scenario over and over again,” she notes. — If you feel that the conversation is going in circles, try doing something unusual: abruptly change the subject; say the first thing that comes to mind; imagine that the subject of your dispute exists only in your imagination. It may seem strange, but this behavior gets you out of the vicious circle and helps you look at the situation with fresh eyes.
4. Don’t be too serious
Some people are able to not talk to each other for six months because of disagreement about a controversial goal scored in one match. Is it worth it? Imagine how this situation would be played out in your favorite comedy. For example, aged heroes meet forty years after a quarrel and have a friendly conversation. But one accidentally remembers the ill-fated match. The quarrel breaks out with renewed vigor, and now the two old men are beating each other with sticks.
A sincere laugh or smile has amazing power. They can defuse a tense situation and, moreover, make further bickering pointless. No matter how much we are hurt by the looks of the interlocutor, you can always choose to follow the lead of your stubbornness or enjoy an interesting conversation, noticing something new for yourself along the way.