How to answer the question why you do not have children?

I got married when I was well over thirty, and I could not even imagine how insistently others would interrogate me.

Five years ago, when Mike and I first started dating, the question of when we were going to have children was, if ever, extremely rare. But for the last six months, after our wedding, everyone for some reason considers it their duty to ask him.

Of course, I understand what this is about. In childhood and adolescence, we are all explained this sequence of steps: first love, then marriage, then the baby in the stroller. Unfortunately, no one thinks to provide this instruction with a footnote: «The program may be executed in a different order or not executed at all.»

And this is what it leads to: well-intentioned relatives affectionately take my hand and ask when we will start building a family. I literally stand on my hind legs from such words. My beloved husband, me and our cat — is that not a family? It seems to me that the most complete!

But the faces of the relatives are drawn when I answer that we are not going to have a baby. “Shame on you,” they say. “You could be a great mother!”

Acquaintances are sometimes even more unceremonious: “When are you going to give birth?” «After the rain on Thursday!» I snap, and tension hangs in the air. I pretend not to notice how they exchange puzzled looks. Even my therapist once could not resist and advised me not to make hasty decisions on this matter.

These scenes are repeated over and over again. At first, such questions and comments put me in an awkward position, and I was lost. But over time, on reflection, I came to the conclusion that a negative reaction is inappropriate here — at least if I want to maintain a good relationship with loved ones (or with the doctor). So now, before I answer, I take a deep breath and remind myself of some of the important conclusions I have come to over time.

1. There is no need to defend

Among my closest friends — and these are residents of the metropolis, representatives of creative professions — few have children. We hardly discuss the reasons why we chose the childfree life, but I think they are more or less the same for us. We cherish freedom — children, on the other hand, require a lot of time, and a lot of expenses too. We are all uncertain about the future to one degree or another. Too many risks — and for what?

I was lucky, I have a lot of like-minded people around me. But if I stayed to live in my hometown, hardly anyone would support me there. It is enough to scroll through my feed on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia) to see this: all my classmates have children.

But even in a big city, when strangers ask why I don’t have children, it often sounds like a question: “What kind of person are you?” It’s not easy to keep a straight face, but after taking a couple of deep breaths, I give my usual answers in as neutral a tone as possible. Yes, I love children, but I do not feel an urgent need to have them. And no, it’s not because I’m a selfish bastard.

Then I politely explain that this is a mutual decision between my husband and I, and usually do not go into further explanations.

2. For some people, childfree is a challenge to their worldview.

These people begin to argue so fiercely, as if not wanting to have children violates the entire world order. Their behavior may even be hostile: what is it like to be married and not have children? In their eyes, I defy the natural course of things.

“In my years of practice, I have heard so many times from patients that they avoid family holidays, knowing that someone will surely ask them a sacramental question about children,” says Dr. Maureen Kelly, medical director of the Society for Reproductive Medicine in Philadelphia. “Perhaps it’s best to really not get into situations where this topic can be discussed.”

3. Fertility is a painful topic for any woman.

“Never ask a woman about her plans for having children,” warns Maureen Kelly. — This applies to everyone: mothers, sisters, close friends, acquaintances, relatives. This is a deeply personal matter, so the topic, in my opinion, should be taboo, unless the woman herself wants to discuss it. In this case, be gentle, be supportive, and refrain from judging. Do not refer to your experience, do not compare the interlocutor who trusted you with yourself or with someone else.

4. Respect your choice

Sometimes I fantasize, imagining a different version of myself in a parallel reality. A woman immersed in caring for children: to feed, to establish a regimen, to read the same fairy tale aloud twenty-five times. In rare moments of relaxation, she imagines what her life would be like without children …

I would tell her: just as you feel fulfilled in motherhood, so I am satisfied that I chose the childfree life.

About the Author: Anna Goldfarb is a journalist and author of the humorous book Clearly, I Didn’t Think This Through, Berkley, 2012.