Do we always have to accept that we are wrong? Social psychologists Carol Tevris and Elliot Aronson explain why it is so difficult for us to admit our mistakes and mistakes and why it is worth learning to do it nonetheless.
Psychologies: Why is it so hard for us to accept that we were wrong?
Elliot Aronson: Our brains are wired to protect our self-image as intelligent, moral, and competent people. And any indication that we are not like that causes great discomfort. The irony lies in the fact that we, in an effort to maintain faith in our mind, morality and competence, do things that refute this.
Carol Tevris: We justify not only our own actions, but also the views and beliefs that are especially important to us. That is why your friend, to whom you will joyfully tell: “Look, what irrefutable evidence I have found against your theory of parenting!” – You won’t thank you, don’t even wait. And most likely, they will send you to hell with your proof. He will be impolite, but he will avoid having to react to your information, let alone change his point of view.
Do we even realize that we are doing this – justifying our actions and opinions?
K.T.: No, we just feel we’re right. This is what the brain requires – to keep our worldview intact and to protect our vision of ourselves.
E.A.: The theory of cognitive dissonance explains this. A lot of research shows that people get uncomfortable when they realize that their views can be wrong, when they are forced to regret decisions they have made or about something that makes them feel like idiots. Here’s an example of such dissonance: your belief “I’m a good person” collides with the simple fact “I rarely visit my elderly parents and don’t take care of them the way my little brother does.” You involuntarily want to reduce the dissonance and say to yourself: “Okay, let the brother continue to think that he is acting generously.” Or like this: “I’m busier now than he is. In addition, his parents always helped him with money more than me.
Can such self-justification be destructive?
K.T.: We know that self-justification can lead to aggression: “A brother always gets everything by itself, not like me.” More interestingly, this aggression then leads to new self-justifications. Since we ourselves cannot be jealous, envious and soulless, then definitely that other person deserves our reproaches: “Nick is still too lazy for such a highly paid job!” Finding an explanation for our actions, we allow ourselves to do so in the future.
How does this need to explain everything in your favor affect relationships?
E.A.: Most quarrels in the family come down to one scenario: “I’m right, you’re wrong.” But if both partners stop considering their behavior to be the only right one, they will be able to weaken their self-defense and will be ready to hear the opinion of the other. And who knows, maybe even correct some of their mistakes.
K.T.: We are not suggesting that one must necessarily agree with the version of events presented by others, or back down from any disagreement. All couples disagree on whose memory is better or how to raise children, for example. But if they learn to shift the focus from who is right to how to solve this particular problem now, they will become much happier.
Are there those who find it harder to admit their mistakes than others?
E.A.: Some people have high, stable self-esteem, they are not so dependent on feeling right about everything. They may say to themselves, “I did something stupid, but that doesn’t make me a stupid person. We need to figure out how to fix it.” You know, almost anyone can learn this. This is not an ingrained character trait, but an attitude that is developed.
In his famous book1 you make a curious remark: many of us are hesitant to admit our mistakes because we are afraid of damaging our reputation. It seems to us that other people will stop loving and respecting us. But in reality, everything happens the other way around. Why is that?
E.A.: Because we become more human, we evoke sincere sympathy when we fall from the pedestal that we erected for ourselves and our virtues. A doctor may think that his or her spotless reputation is more important than anything else, but we know that when doctors admit their mistakes—normal, human mistakes—patients are more likely to forgive them and less likely to sue them. The same thing happens with lawbreakers: if they dare to state that they did wrong, the victims feel that they were heard and are more likely to drop the charges.
What else, besides respect, do we get by admitting our mistakes?
K.T.: We cannot move forward in our work, we cannot improve until we recognize what we are doing wrong at the moment, which needs to be improved. Students who want to do science are taught to look not only for evidence of what they believe, but also for refutation of their point of view. Can you imagine how much more successful and productive our lives would be if we all did this? We would look at the world less prejudicedly, we would see things as they are, and not distorted by the distorted mirror of self-justifications.
We often level our apologies with excuses, explanations of good reasons. Tell me, how is it better to do this, to confess your mistakes?
K.T.: The point is to take responsibility for your actions. Separate your apologies from your explanations, at least at first. Let’s say my cousin was terribly offended by her brother, who never visited her in the hospital when she was seriously ill. All his apologies boiled down to excuses: “I was wildly busy, so many things fell on me at once,” and this angered her even more. All he had to say was, “I was totally wrong. I see how it offended you. I’m sorry I left you in trouble.” Then he can explain why it happened. But first, he just needs to admit that he is wrong.
E.A.: A simple “I made a mistake, I’m sorry” goes a long way in defusing the situation. It reduces anger and irritation and creates the conditions for solving the problem. And this works not only in family relationships or at work, but also in politics. Authorities often fear that by admitting their mistake, they will reveal their failure and incompetence. On the contrary, an honest look at our delusions and bad decisions – without self-justifications – makes us human. Competent enough to notice and correct their oversight.
Elliot Aronson is a leading American social psychologist with a PhD in psychology from Stanford University. Member of the editorial board of a number of well-known psychological journals.
Carol Tavris is a well-known social psychologist and author of several books, including Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion (Touchstone / Simon & Schuster, 1989).
1 K. Tevris, E. Aronson “Mistakes that were made (but not by me)” (Infotropic Media, 2012).