“I’ll go on a diet from Monday”, “I’ll learn English”, “I’ll go on vacation” … So many goals, but the weight is still in place, and someone else goes on vacation. Familiar? We understand why this happens and whether something can be done about it.
Over and over again, we promise ourselves to start a new life on Monday, lose weight, play sports, learn new skills – but something always gets in the way. “New goals and objectives require us to overcome, and therefore cause stress, a sense of fear and a sense of uncertainty,” explains psychologist Mikhail Barzykin. – Therefore, the main thing in this matter is gradualness.
If you suddenly decide to radically change everything “from Monday”, then most likely you will overstrain and burn out. Let this “Monday” start right now: take a break from the gadget, take a walk (at least to the place of work), watch your breath, write down what changes you would like to make in your life and where you could start.
How to set goals so that you achieve your goal? Here is what psychotherapist Svetlana Mardoyan advises:
1. Assess if you have internal and external capabilities to implement your plan. Scan your physical condition. Will it allow for a strict diet or a long journey? Scan external circumstances. Do you have enough strength to withstand a new diet if you have to defend a thesis? Will you have time to travel if you are caring for a sick relative? Internal and external “can” and “can’t” can be obstacles that are not immediately visible.
2. Determine the value of what you are going to do. Do you like the goal that you set for yourself? What is of particular value to you in this? If you want to lose weight, can you feel the joy of trying on old jeans? Only at the level of thoughts, motivation does not work well, so feelings are necessary. You can feed them with the help of visualization and meditation practices. If you still can’t experience joy at the same time, then you probably won’t find value in the implementation of your plan.
3. Think about how your goal matches your personality. Have you decided to run a marathon? Do you really want it? To what extent is this desire characteristic of your personality? How will you feel on the way to this goal? Does it fit your idea of yourself, your individuality and uniqueness? If you understand that it is not suitable, then you should not start the path to such a goal.
4. Find meaning. Why do you want to achieve your goal? What will it give you personally? For example, do you dream of becoming slim so you can wear nice clothes? Or to find a partner? Analyze your thoughts.
According to Svetlana Mardoyan, the most honest answers to these questions will help to work through internal barriers and make up for the lack of relationships with oneself – sincere and trusting. “For example, do you really need to eat that much fast food? Will you really feel good about it?
If the answer is yes, then perhaps through food you establish contact with yourself. But this is a surrogate for relationships. Therefore, it is worth trying to build an internal dialogue not through food, but through feeling yourself. Through tenderness and affection. When internal contact is established, the need to absorb junk food will disappear by itself, ”the psychotherapist notes.
Each goal can be broken down into sub-goals and regularly ask yourself: what did I do today to achieve them? What do I plan and can do tomorrow? What about next week? “In general, writing down goals and plans is very useful – a plan drawn up on paper or in a gadget helps to see the situation more clearly,” says Mikhail Barzykin. – If you are going to meditate and want to immediately sit cross-legged for an hour, then you definitely won’t be enough for a long time.
It’s the same with sports: you can run a long distance, getting off the couch for the first time in ten years, but after that you are unlikely to return to running.
The team factor can play a positive role – arrange a challenge with friends, sign up for group classes on activities that interest you, communicate with people who share and support your goals and values.
Skills such as patience and diligence, necessary to achieve your goals, can be pumped. According to Mikhail Barzykin, it is necessary again and again to return your lazy and striving to do something else mind to the important and necessary direction that you have outlined for yourself, and do not forget to praise yourself for your diligence.
“But it is even more important to learn to enjoy the process itself, and not from the anticipation of future results,” the psychologist recalls. Because happiness is on the way. That is, what is happening to us right now.”
About the experts
Svetlana Mardoyan – psychotherapist, existential analyst, trainer, supervisor. Her blog.
Mikhail Barzykin psychologist, cognitive behavioral therapist. His .