How to accept your imperfect self

Psychotherapist Sharon Martin talks about how to learn to love and accept yourself for who you are.

Perfectionism is a pretty common word. We use the term to feel important and take back control of the situation. But when we expect the impossible from ourselves and others, we inevitably doom ourselves to disappointment.

Unmet expectations and the pursuit of perfection cause a whole host of problems: we criticize ourselves harshly, find fault with others, think inflexibly, overwork ourselves, cannot relax, do not want to try new things, and are afraid of failure. Throw in obsessive thoughts, anxiety and depression…

For most of us, the problem of perfectionism comes from childhood. Many grew up in unstable families, many lacked predictability and a sense of security. We tried to be perfect in order to avoid criticism, rejection and anger. We thought we had to be perfect to deserve love.

The root of perfectionism is shame

Shame is the feeling that we are inferior to others. This feeling develops if parents in childhood treated us as if we were bad, worthless, incapable of anything. As adults, we try to compensate for this shame by pleasing others and striving to be «perfect.» We do not tolerate imperfections in ourselves and in those around us, we do not accept mistakes and misconduct, but this only increases the feeling of loneliness and alienation.

We take mistakes and failures as evidence of failure, and people who aren’t perfectionists take them for granted. They discuss difficulties with friends and loved ones and strengthen ties with them.

Perfectionism does not increase self-esteem

It would be logical to assume that people who are goal-oriented, work hard and achieve a lot, are distinguished by high self-esteem. Actually it is not. Perfectionists strive for perfection precisely because they are unsure of themselves.

You may have thought: “I’ll lose 10 kg and life will get better” or “I just wish I had another, prestigious job …” Setting realistic goals is fine, but happiness and self-esteem should not depend on achieving these goals. You need to try to find a middle ground between self-improvement and self-acceptance. Finally recognize that you are valuable in themselves, regardless of merit.

How to get rid of perfectionism and accept yourself

1. Lower your expectations

Expecting perfection from ourselves and others, we are disappointed over and over again: no one can live up to our high standards. We are adamant in our expectations and do not want to give them up. But for the sake of our own well-being, it is time to recognize that we expect the impossible from ourselves and those around us. The only way to be satisfied with life is to bring expectations closer to reality.

2. Watch your mind

Perfectionists tend to think in terms of “all or nothing”: “I am either successful or I am a failure”, “I am either beautiful or ugly”. But between the extremes, as a rule, there are a lot of other options. Also, perfectionist thinking is characterized by overgeneralization, dramatization, and hope for miraculous resolution of problems if certain conditions are met (for example, “I will be happy when I move into a new apartment”).

3. Accept failure

The only way to get better at something is to try, fail, and try again by focusing on the lessons to be learned from mistakes. Failure is an integral part of success. So instead of avoiding failure, embrace it as part of your journey.

4. Forgive yourself

Perfectionists are usually very hard on themselves, but criticism and shame only kill motivation. You need to learn to forgive yourself for imperfections and mistakes. Think of forgiveness as a process: it takes time and practice to change from a critical mindset to an accepting one. Remind yourself often that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes from time to time.

5. Focus on the process

Perfectionists evaluate success by the results achieved. Try instead to do something for experience, for fun, or just because you’ve been wanting to do it for a long time. Focusing on the process relieves the stress associated with achieving results. It’s not always the most important thing to win, get promoted, or hear praise.

6. Share problems

Shame is at the heart of perfectionism, and to get rid of it, show your true, imperfect self more often to those you trust. Most likely, many will support you and tell their stories in response. It helps to remember that it’s okay to make mistakes and that others experience the same thing.

7. Love imperfections

When expectations are realistic, you can love yourself for who you are. You don’t have to be perfect to earn love and acceptance. Contrary to popular belief, perfectionism does not help us achieve what we want. It doesn’t remove shame or build self-esteem. We cannot achieve perfection, but this does not mean that we are bad, stupid, unworthy. This means that the time has come to get rid of unrealistic expectations. And it is within our power to do so.