How to accept your age (at any age)

One of the main topics of this summer was the upcoming increase in the retirement age. The economic, social and political aspects of the reform were vigorously discussed in the media, but in social networks the discussions unfolded in a different plane: is 55-60 years old really the time for old age, or does it come much later today? Is it possible for people to work in these years (and not anyhow, but fully), or is it time for them to retire in terms of physical and intellectual indicators?

The poll of VCIOM also reflected the polarization of opinions on this matter. In fact, it is not only about a specific age, but about how we imagine life in general.

Sick question

Having started preparing for this article, I involuntarily tuned in to that “frequency” where talk about age sounds, and I heard a many-voiced choir. Whether I listened to the dialogues on the subway, whether I turned on the radio, whether I went to social networks, it didn’t take even a few minutes, as the topic of age somehow popped up.

«I’m not little anymore!» protests a six-year-old child. «I don’t want to be an old man!» — a middle-aged man worries, whose legs began to hurt. “At 60, degradation already begins!” A young woman complains to someone about her mother. “Why would he need me when there are 20-year-old beauties?” the 40-year-old doubts. «We’re still hoo!» — full of optimism 55-year-old man who received a promotion.

It is amazing: until now, I did not realize how emotionally charged the topic of age is. Why?

“This is not surprising,” says psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochyan. Age is an important part of our identity. Moreover, such a part that changes all the time independently of us, and we constantly need to make adjustments: I am 20, and now 21, and now 40, and so on.

As “the times do not choose”, so we do not choose our age — we just live in it.

We don’t match

“A number of studies show that the older we get, the greater the difference between our chronological age and the one that we ascribe to ourselves,” says psychologist Olga Molchanova. — Teenagers often feel older than their years, and after about 25, the reverse process begins: many feel younger than their passport age, and this difference is growing. In 50-60-year-olds, it can reach both 15 and 20 years.

And we don’t appreciate real age. Have you ever looked at your photographs taken several years ago and wondered: “Why didn’t I like it so much then?” This symptom is known to psychologists, explains Olga Molchanova: “We consider a fresh photo unsuccessful, because we internally feel younger and more attractive. And we begin to accept our appearance with a delay of two or three years, or even five.

But in general, studies show that most people in years consider the period from 20 to 30 years to be the best time to live. It is clear that this is a time of unconditional youth and that is why it is wonderful, but even after 30 there are so many important, bright, interesting things happening. Why do we value all this less?

We are influenced by stereotypes

It is easy to see that thoughts about how old we are now and how old we will be are often colored by anxiety and fears. “This is partly due to the fact that we cannot control age,” says Margarita Zhamkochyan. “In the depth of this anxiety may also lie the fear of death, which sometimes manifests itself even in childhood.”

And yet, says the therapist, many worries about age are based on social norms. Important life events in the public view are tied to a particular age: the formation of a family, the birth of children, professional achievements, and later — the completion of work and retirement. And we often feel obliged to complete the tasks prescribed by society on time, regardless of whether there is our own internal need for this.

“The client, who is under forty, is worried that time is running out, and she has no children yet,” says Margarita Zhamkochyan. — I ask the question: «Why do you need them?» — “Well, how is it? That’s how it’s supposed to be.» That is, the child is not the true goal, she simply strives to conform to the social stereotype. And this gives rise to the strongest anxiety, which, by the way, in itself often prevents childbearing. And when we discover the true goal in work — she wants a child to enjoy him — then children appear.

Experiences due to insufficient, as it seems to us, professional success are also associated with ideas about norms.

“It is generally accepted that at the age of 20-30 a person shows promise, and at 40, not to mention 50, you need to realize what you dreamed about,” Olga Molchanova notes. — If this was not possible, and even there is a feeling that time is being compressed, then there is an acute regret about the missed opportunities: “If I could return those years, I could choose a different path! But now it’s too late.» However, we know examples of those who started a new professional path in adulthood.”

Here is one: Henri Rousseau, a self-taught French artist, started painting at 40 after years of working in customs.

After the onset of retirement age, society orders us to grow old. In the Russian labor market, even 40-year-olds often feel uncompetitive. What can we say about 50 and above.

“I have experience and knowledge, I work quickly and well, but I don’t feel confident,” complains 55-year-old translator Vera. “It seems that at any moment they can prefer another to me simply because he is younger.” Such concerns are shared by many of her peers.

The look of another

Getting older, we are afraid that together with youth we will lose attractiveness: for the employer, for the opposite sex.

“Some women are already acutely experiencing a 30-year milestone, when the first signs of, if not withering, then at least not youth, appear in their appearance,” says Olga Molchanova. — They feel young, but more and more often they note that they are no longer approached to get acquainted, they are not seen off with their eyes. This is painfully felt as a sign of «going into circulation.»

Similar sentiments are familiar to men. Many of them try to feel younger by falling in love with young girls, entering into a new marriage, giving birth to late children.

Most of us care about how others see us. If we feel that we are not reflected in the gaze of another, this is a difficult experience!

“Sometimes it seems that young people look through me, that I am beyond their perception and I can be ignored,” admits 57-year-old Irina. “At times like this, I feel inadequate.”

But is it reality or a fantasy caused by our belief that life belongs to the young?

“Most likely, the point here is how people generally accept the Other, unlike them,” says psychologist, author of trainings for pensioners Maria Soloveychik. — And for young people, a person of age, of course, is different. It seems to us that because of this we will certainly be rejected. But these fears are not always true.

Freedom to be yourself

There is also good news. In Western countries, the cult of youth is losing ground, ageism (age discrimination) has been declared a battle, the period from 50 to 70 years is not even called old age: a new term “third age” has appeared. The idea of ​​the need for lifelong learning is being actively promoted.

These trends also penetrate to us. Weaken the grip of social standards: the idea that the family and profession cannot be changed is no longer relevant. “And it’s good that these stereotypes are disappearing,” Margarita Zhamkochyan is sure. “It means increasing diversity, increasing degrees of freedom. You can search for what you like as much as you like. And age is therefore less scary.

And yet, we are at a crossroads. The new and the old are woven into a bizarre pattern both in society and sometimes in the mind of one individual. The most difficult thing for us to deal with is the prospect of aging.

It would seem that the pension reform, which pushes back the “age of survival”, should please us. But in reality, this is not entirely true. “My pension is not at all an extra addition to the low salary of a scientific worker,” admits 72-year-old chemist Boris, “I would not want to lose it!”

The prospect of declining income raises anxiety, affecting basic needs: food, shelter, security. “We have a huge number of working poor, and this distinguishes us from socially prosperous countries,” emphasizes Margarita Zhamkochyan.

At the same time, she sees the possible advantages of the reform: “The moment is being postponed when a person will be forcibly pushed out of work. This will make people pull up, take care of themselves more. This means that healthcare will also have to catch up: after all, not pensioners will come to doctors, but workers protected by insurance, which requires better treatment.”

The status of a working person brings with it other bonuses: a sense of being in demand, contacts with younger colleagues, helping to realize oneself keeping up with the times. But there is also a risk: older workers may become more afraid of losing their jobs and being left without a livelihood if they lose their financial safety net in the form of a pension.

The proposed reform may shift the age crisis of late maturity. But still, we are unlikely to escape it. What will help us to pass this stage with dignity?

Firstly, education, answers Margarita Zhamkochyan, which encourages reflection, thinking about the world and about yourself. But this does not mean that those who do not have it do not have a chance.

Psychologists have a concept of «feeling happy» — it connects our happiness with what we do for other people. And thus we create for ourselves such a positive charge that keeps us afloat, regardless of age, the presence or absence of a family or money.

And the third is our identity: what we know, feel and think about ourselves. Thanks to this, we can focus on ourselves and maintain independence from social norms.