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In childhood, we have to adapt to the situation that adults put us in. We learn to behave in a certain way, and sometimes it is difficult to remove the shackles of past experience. How to help yourself finally grow up, get rid of childhood beliefs and see the world of possibilities?
Adults, unlike children, have much more freedom and opportunities. As adults, we can choose with whom to communicate, where to work, what to strive for. We have more opportunities to meet our needs. Conversely, in childhood, our survival depends on other people and we have to adjust our needs to their opportunities, which are often limited.
Children have to listen to their elders, sit quietly, and their natural needs — to feel valued, to receive support — become sources of shame. Such childhood experiences create a kind of «lens» through which a person looks at their subsequent relationships. Growing up does not in itself guarantee that this lens will disappear. Many people need therapy to re-learn how to present their needs, cope with shame, and discover the full range of possibilities that are available to adults.
How childhood shame affects adult relationships
Humans are interdependent beings, we need each other to survive. In childhood, when our well-being is largely dependent on the family, this dependence is especially great. Family has a huge impact on how our needs for love and support are met and what beliefs about relationships are formed afterwards.
Life is complex and unpredictable, so even the most energetic, organized and caring parents cannot meet all the needs of the child, and for those parents who suffer themselves, it is even more difficult to do so. Therefore, children have to adapt to the reality in which they live and to the way everything works in their family. For example, a child of overburdened parents may learn not to bother adults with their needs and to care for others in order to gain approval.
And although children adapt perfectly to the reality in which they live, they often do not know the reasons for what is happening. They are usually unaware that their parents are angry or unresponsive to them because they are tired at work, going through something traumatic, suffering from chronic depression, and for other reasons not related to the child. Without knowing the truth, children find their own explanation for why their needs are not being met. Usually their conclusions are based on shame and hurt deeply. They may decide that they are not interesting or do not deserve love and care.
Considering himself guilty, the child decides not to ask adults for anything, so as not to be refused and not to be hurt even more. The natural need for love and care is now associated with a sense of shame.
Shame children hide their needs in a variety of ways — put the needs of others before their own, do not speak their mind, do not tell others that they need support, rationalize, avoid relationships, always try to be independent. These methods help protect against pain and disappointment, but as the child grows, they limit his options. If the parents are too busy or suffering from their own problems, the child goes through life compulsively caring for others and hiding their need for care. He misses out on what the relationship can give him, still suffering from shame.
Experience of Vulnerability in Psychotherapy Leads to Freedom
For many people, psychotherapy is the most effective way to get rid of shame and the impact of defensive strategies on their lives, to access the full range of opportunities that open up before them. By allowing oneself to open up in a conversation with a therapist and receiving care in return, a person understands that other people can take care of him, that he is worthy of love and everything is fine with him.
A conversation with a psychotherapist suggests that a person becomes vulnerable, and for many this is a completely new state, because they are used to hiding their inner world. It is difficult for them to open up even to a specialist.
One of the tasks of the psychotherapist is to help the client become aware of the fears and needs that underlie defensive behavior. An empathic, client-oriented psychologist will not force the patient to open up until he is ready. Instead, he will try to create an atmosphere of warmth and safety in which the person takes emotional risks.
When the client allows himself to become vulnerable, he sees that the other person — the therapist — is able to accept him as a whole, including the part that needs love, and the part that is scared and angry, and does not require to be obedient and comfortable. This allows you to deal with feelings of shame.
The process of psychotherapy requires courage, time and other costs, but sometimes it really helps to open up. When a person is freed from shame, he can finally take advantage of the opportunities available in adulthood. The more we show ourselves in relationships, the richer they become.
Many people know the metaphor of Plato: the prisoners in the cave are chained to one of the walls facing the other wall, and behind them a fire burns. The prisoners see on the empty wall only the shadows of people passing by the cave. Since they have never seen anything else, they take the shadows for reality, not realizing that they are only reflections of the whole world outside the cave. If we are willing to work on ourselves, on our shame, in order to become vulnerable in relationships with a therapist and others, we can remove the shackles and step out of the cave into the light of day.