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Sometimes it seems that life consists only of overcoming obstacles and fulfilling obligations, and we just give up. But conscious efforts are indispensable in some areas. Four experts explain which ones and why.
More and more money has to be spent on food and transport (although the products and routes are still the same); it is becoming increasingly difficult to combine professional interests and household chores; more and more often we are forced to stay late at work; more and more serious than the amount of bills that we pay; more and more insistently, parents ask us to visit them regularly … We have to give all the best on all fronts: in the family, with a partner, at work. And then we are ready to exclaim: “Enough! Tired of straining!” At this point, it is important to remember that there is a significant difference between “making an effort” and “sacrifice yourself”.
My friend endlessly complains about her despot husband, but unquestioningly fulfills his whims. After all, the main thing is to save the family, and besides, everyone knows that life together requires effort. “I have to,” she explains. But why does this woman (like many others) ruin her life, why does she punish herself, why does she sacrifice herself? “Our behavior is primarily associated with the idea of what is due, which we unconsciously learned in the parental family,” says psychoanalyst Maria Timofeeva. – So we live by someone else’s rules, which we didn’t comprehend on our own: it’s necessary (it’s supposed) to do like this, but why exactly like that? We rarely think. But we complain about fate, thereby removing responsibility for what is happening to us. But if we are not responsible for our life, it remains alien to us, and, therefore, we will not be able to feel happy.
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- How to relax properly
Another stumbling block is the bad reputation that “trying” has in our culture. If a student writes in a notebook “I tried very hard” – it means that the result leaves much to be desired. If the teacher claims that the child learns without effort, that everything is easy for him, this is, in fact, a reproach for the lack of diligence. The only way out of this trap is to consciously choose the area where it is important for us to make efforts: for example, to raise several children, get a second education, graduate from a driving school and drive …. Tension in this case does not devastate us, does not destroy, does not deprive us of strength, even if we are very tired. “When we act meaningfully and responsibly, there is no internal conflict,” explains Maria Timofeeva. “This is our free choice, we know what to strive for, our mind and feelings are aligned.”
Grow above yourself
Indeed, there is no point in wasting energy on those who are not worth it, or on illusory goals. We are tired of the endless race that has been imposed on us. Yes, we are ready to make an effort, but everyone has their own rhythm. Some are able to gather at the last moment, others are more productive over a long distance. The main thing is to realize the best that is in each of us. Then it is not labor, not tension, but the feeling of satisfaction that we experience when showing our talents that comes to the fore. If a desire has awakened in us, if it directs us to a goal that strengthens us from within, if we feel that we are in control of our lives, then no efforts, no restrictions will burden us. And then the thought “How much can you strain ?!” certainly does not occur to us.
team effort
Actively wishing well for others
Boris Shapiro, family psychotherapist
“Relationships in a couple are a constant value; as they were in the beginning, so they remain forever, as many men and women believe. And they are wrong. The circumstances of life, the composition of the family change (children appear, the older generation leaves), and this changes us too. In addition, monotony arises in long-term relationships, since we live in the same rigidly set rhythm. The intensity of emotions, romanticism also cannot stay on the same level. In order for relationships not to deteriorate, they need to be maintained, built. There is a clear relationship here: whoever invests how much in a relationship gets so much. Once upon a time, marriage was also held together by “external hoops”: the opinion of the world, the labor collective or the party committee. Now this is not the case, and more efforts are required to save the couple.
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- Sex: the source of life force
The basis of the foundations is mutual understanding and mutual assistance. It is very important to maintain a positive view of your partner, not to compare him with your ideal, with other people. And when you come home, try to change the sign of emotions from minus to plus and be able to enjoy what you have. (And in no case should you take out the irritation and anger accumulated at work on your partner.) To do this, we have to make efforts, work on ourselves …
Many believe that marriage is threatened by infidelity. In fact, betrayal is most often a kind of message that a person in the family lacks something very significant for him: recognition, respect, tenderness. That is why you need to give yourself the trouble to discuss the relationship, openly talk to your partner about your thoughts and feelings. Leo Tolstoy said that love is an active desire for good to another *. It’s active! And here lies the paradox. It seems that I am trying for something else, but in fact it is about the quality of my life. I myself need these efforts so that I feel good in these relationships.
* L. Tolstoy “Reading Circle” (Eksmo, 2013).
efforts in education
Explain that everyone has their own responsibilities
Galina Burmenskaya, developmental psychologist
“Not all parents require children to make an effort and do what they do not want to. It seems to some that nature itself will tell the child how to show his talents. Others, striving for emotional intimacy, indulge children in everything. Others simply follow the path of least resistance. Thus, they refuse an important educational task: to teach the child to understand what labor is. After all, in fact, this understanding is not innate, it arises only in cooperation with adults. While the child is small, he is guided by the principle of pleasure: he rejects everything that does not bring instant satisfaction, and is not yet able to make efforts if they are not immediately rewarded.
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It is necessary to teach children to work (that is, to do something with them) early, at 3-4 years old, when they themselves are drawn to help their elders. Already at preschool age, the child should have their own responsibilities. But not as a duty or punishment, but as a useful contribution to the common affairs of the family. It is better to start with simple and feasible things (put away toys, feed the dog, help wash the dishes). Seeing the result of his efforts, the child feels legitimate pride. This is how the foundations of self-respect and adequate self-esteem are laid. Of course, sometimes it can fail. And it is necessary not only to support him, but to bring the matter to the end together with him (but not instead of him!) – so the child will not have a feeling of helplessness and impotence.
Patiently and with conviction encourage the children to put effort into the work. It is important for children to feel that their parents take their responsibilities seriously and respectfully, that in the eyes of adults efforts are of great value. Many parents dream of seeing their child successful. But success in life directly depends on the will, the ability to set goals and achieve them, and therefore, on whether he has learned to make efforts to achieve them.
effort in relationship
Become more attentive, learn to relax
Anastasia Gosteva, psychologist, meditation teacher
“The prospect of bringing a little peace and lightness to the harsh rhythm of our lives is incredibly attractive – it is no coincidence that every year more and more people decide to take up yoga and meditation. In my classes, I see how, starting to master meditation, many try to make efforts out of habit: they ignore that the body is numb and needs rest, they strain, trying to stop the flow of thoughts. When I say that all they have to do is just exhale, relax, defocus their eyes a little and… do nothing, it often becomes an overwhelming task. Do nothing for five whole minutes?!
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- 5 indoor light sources
While the West appreciates tension, work, Eastern practitioners recommend “try not to try.” Instead of forcibly breaking through beyond your capabilities, you need to become a little more attentive to yourself and the world around you. And then the same result can be achieved at a lower cost. The mindfulness practice I teach allows you to be mindful of every moment, to accept the present in a relaxed and nonjudgmental way.
What does it give? We meditate not in order to hide from failures and difficulties in a cozy room, but in order to learn how to meet difficulties in a relaxed and calm way, bringing awareness and joy to everything we do. When this happens, we suddenly find that our life has really changed. As if by itself, without effort.
But in order to learn how to relax, you first need to train. It’s like learning a foreign language – at first we spend time and make efforts, so that then we can use it naturally, like our own. We even know how much time it takes to make life without effort become possible – 8 weeks of daily practice for 30 minutes a day.
effort at work
Find a source of energy and new meanings
Mark Kukushkin, business coach
“We always have an alternative: either we become hostages of the situation, exchanging our time and health for banknotes, or we build ourselves, our environment, our comfort, our happiness through dedication to business. Money is certainly important, but it does not determine job satisfaction. What really inspires us is something else: the opportunity to realize our potential, to feel recognition, to do something useful for other people. Even when people do not need money, the majority continues to work, so this part of their existence is connected with ideas of happiness, with a sense of satisfaction with life.
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- “To own the energy of peace”
It is not easy to find new meanings in work, a source of vital energy. Of course, endless negative assessments of your work or the routine nature of work can cool your enthusiasm. And yet, even in the most boring business, you can find interest for yourself: try to do something familiar in a new way, come up with your own inner game, using the term of the famous coach Timothy Galvey **. The more we invest in what we do, the more free we become.
One of the main tasks of a person’s life is to find the courage to follow what really brings pleasure and make efforts in order to realize their desires. There are many examples when people who did not find meaning in work gave themselves up to their hobby, and then it became their main job. That’s why it’s so important to keep looking for a thing (or several things) that gives you pleasure. When time flows imperceptibly, when we are fully involved in the process. Such a high energy involvement is evidence that we are busy with our work and truly live our lives.”
** T. Galvey “Work as an internal game. Disclosure of personal potential” (Alpina Publisher, 2012).