How sincere are our emotions?

Michael Jackson died in June 2009. The news of his death instantly spread throughout the world. News sites threw up new details every minute, on forums people shared their impressions with each other. In a few minutes, a global wave of grief covered, like a tsunami, about six billion people. “I held on for a long time,” says Alexandra, 37. – It was somehow embarrassing for me to mourn a man whose work, to be honest, I never really liked and who, moreover, was accused of pedophilia. But when his daughter was shown on TV and she told me what a wonderful father he was, I could not stand it. ” “Do not believe me, I shed a tear,” Kirill admits. – It turns out that Jackson was born in the 58th, like me! We were the same age … and now he died. It just shocked me.” How sincere are these emotions, which we would not have to experience if we did not have computers and televisions? “Participating in emotional flash mobs on a planetary scale, we, of course, experience sincerely, but these experiences mainly concern ourselves,” believes existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “At such moments, our personal history comes to life, we remember our desires and fears, hopes and most secret expectations.”

Information flood

In the summer of 2010, we were united by desperation for the endless heat and fires and sympathy for those who suffered from them. And a little earlier, in July, together with the whole world, many of us enthusiastically and impatiently followed the World Cup. Common joy, sorrow or anger – we involuntarily pick up each other’s experiences, become infected with them. “Emotions resonate – this is their property,” explains psychophysiologist Evgenia Shekhter. – This universal language allows people of different nationalities, age, gender to understand each other. After all, we are naturally capable of experiencing the same emotions and expressing them in the same way. Not surprisingly, we can just as easily be “infected” with them.

Our ancestors also knew about this unique feature of emotions. In the days of distant Antiquity, they gathered on the stone steps of the theater in order to empathize with the heroes of tragedies and, together with other spectators, experience catharsis (the highest point of emotional stress). Modern technologies give our emotions a worldwide scale: satellites, parabolic antennas and the Internet – thanks to them, emotions have moved out of the intimate area, from the sphere of private life, and have established themselves in public life. An invitation to say “What are you thinking about?” on the front page of Facebook, “What’s happening?” (“How are you?”) – a question to Twitter users, LiveJournal and other network forums and diaries – all this is a “mass” manifestation of emotional revelations. Restraint is no longer in fashion, today no one is ashamed to show their strongest feelings. Doesn’t all this remind of the Roman Saturnalia or medieval carnivals, when on certain days the townspeople got the opportunity to indulge in all serious things with impunity? According to Svetlana Krivtsova, “emotional openness on the Internet, when a person is ready to tell everything and even more about himself, is typical for those who live with the feeling that no one sees or notices them.” Psychoanalyst Serge Tisseron agrees with her: “Today, when landmarks (social, cultural, sexual, professional) are lost, we cling to emotions, trying to clearly define our true “I” and give meaning to reality. “I exist because I feel … I feel it, and therefore it is true.”

The contagiousness of our emotions is obvious, they spread faster than the flu epidemic. The feeling of immediate contact with other people’s experiences unconsciously brings us back to our early childhood: other people’s emotions touch the child immediately, capture him completely. From our first years, we smile when we see our mother smile, weep when others cry nearby.

We very early begin to identify ourselves with those who laugh or suffer, mentally putting ourselves in their place. “We involuntarily react to the intensity of the experience,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova. – But there is nothing personal in the reaction “everyone ran, and I ran”. To understand your priorities, you need to be able to think about it in peace, solitude, on your own. And that’s the best way to avoid being trapped by other people’s emotions.”

Sincere or deceptive?

But how much can emotions be trusted? Recall that actors can portray them without actually experiencing them. And in many experiments, psychologists easily induce joy, sadness, or anger in volunteers artificially, with the help of funny movies or sad music. Genuine emotions are not always easy for us to recognize … When 32-year-old Yulia began to learn to ride, she was bitten three times by a horse specially trained for work with novice riders. The animal reacted to the hidden anger that the woman felt without realizing it. “I would never have thought that the discomfort that I constantly feel actually hides the energy of my anger,” Julia wonders. “Emotions tell us the most important information about ourselves, and therefore, of course, it is worth trusting them,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “But when something particularly hurts us, it is important to figure out what this feeling is talking about – about us or about the situation. It is necessary to distinguish: what worries me now is connected with my previous experience, some life situations from the past, or concerns the situation itself. Trust in your emotions can be nurtured, trained, learned to “bracket yourself”. And for this, engage in self-knowledge, have the courage to look into the depths of your soul, learn to treat yourself well, develop the ability to think and reflect.

Emotions accompany us around the clock and at the same time are changeable and unpredictable, like the vagaries of the weather. They inspire us and encourage us to act, bring us closer to other people and bring us closer to ourselves. In a way, they control us. After all, it is impossible to plan an hour of joy at noon or strictly forbid yourself to be angry in the evenings. Emotional impact is difficult to control, and advertisers and marketers understand this very well: they purposefully use our emotions to increase sales.

Without them there is no life

Tired of worries, we sometimes dream of getting rid of emotions once and for all… But what would our life be like without them? And is it even possible to live without emotions? According to Charles Darwin, it was sensory experiences that once saved humanity from extinction. Fear, a signal of imminent danger, helped our ancestors protect themselves from predators in time, disgust helped them avoid potentially dangerous food, and anger redoubled their strength to fight the enemy … And today we unconsciously consider those who have an expressive, emotional face more attractive: communicating with them, it is easier to understand what to expect, how to behave.

Researchers have found that when a person’s brain is damaged due to illness or an accident, their emotional life fades, but at the same time their thinking suffers**. Without passions, we would turn into robots, devoid of sensitivity and intuition. Therefore, it is so important, psychologists say, to develop your emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and express emotions (see “About it”).

Excess or deficiency

Exactly emotional intelligence allows us to more accurately determine the form of emotional behavior in specific circumstances. Thanks to him, we feel when we can rejoice uncontrollably together with colleagues (if, for example, the team we support wins), and when it is worth keeping calm and composure (at a work meeting). But sometimes the emotional mechanism starts to go astray. What to do if emotions go off scale or, on the contrary, seem to freeze?

“First of all, talk about them – talking about yourself has a therapeutic effect,” our experts advise. “It is important to allow ourselves to live what we feel,” Svetlana Krivtsova clarifies. “Only then will it be possible to get along with your own fear, sorrows and joys.” In addition, when we express our emotions, we look more attractive – a person who trusts others, shares his feelings, always puts himself at ease. But suppressing emotions (“Get out of your head!” “Calm down!”) Is ineffective and risky. After all, even if the feeling has disappeared from our consciousness, it remains in the unconscious and can even provoke illness. There is nothing supernatural in this: the suppression of emotions depletes the nervous system and destroys our immunity.

“Those who do not know how to recognize and express their emotions suffer,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. – Some of us are hindered by social stereotypes: “Men don’t cry” or “It’s indecent for an adult to rejoice or be surprised, like a child.” Then, paradoxically, in order to learn to better control ourselves, we first have to deal with our ideas, thoughts, and not feelings.

* D. Myers “Psychology”. Potpourri, 2001.

** R. Gerrig, F. Zimbardo “Psychology and Life”. Peter, 2004