How self-isolation affects our sex

At the end of March, a self-isolation regime was introduced in our country. We found ourselves alone with loved ones – and this, apparently, for a long time. Of course, in the history of mankind there were wars, and epidemics, and crises, but then we were more concerned with the issue of physical survival.

Today, it seems, for the first time we want to talk openly about how the problems of the outside world will affect our interpersonal relationships, including intimate ones.

“Quarantine has forced us to live in uncertainty. We do not know when all this will end, what will happen to the economy, how much the virus threatens our loved ones. The world is changing before our eyes. And this situation is stressful for the psyche. But isolation is not a problem in itself. It plays the role of a catalyst for already existing difficulties, brings them out of their latent state to the surface,” explains sexologist Maria Shelkova.

And sex is no exception.

“Smoke” on the side

So, why is the current situation – mass quarantine, isolation – new for both us and our intimate relationships? What are the main factors of stress that we experience due to unusual intimacy with the second half?

“The main problem for sex is the lack of new experiences. We get tired of being together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,” says Maria Shelkova.

But sex is only for two. How do others relate to him? Shouldn’t we ideally have only a partner for inspiration?

“We are so wired that we have to communicate with other people outside the family: this feeds our autonomy, the perception of ourselves as a separate person. And therefore, now, being nose to nose with the same ones, we begin to dream of diversity. Forbid a person something – he immediately wants it, ”explains the sexologist.

How can we “feed off” from others, if we even try to go to the store less often now? You can “get” the necessary impressions by having a party with friends in one of the online messengers. Or just chat on the phone with a friend, hiding from loved ones on the balcony. Feeling separate, we are ready to return to the partner with new strength and inspiration.

Litmus for intimacy

As already mentioned above, isolation does not create difficulties in itself: it only highlights dark places that we previously diligently did not notice.

“Suddenly it turns out that we have nothing to talk about with a partner. It wasn’t noticeable until the two of us locked ourselves in an apartment for several weeks, drastically limiting communication with colleagues and friends. Suddenly it turns out that we do not know how to communicate at all – neither in general, nor about sex. Decreased libido, conflicts based on sexual dissatisfaction, sexual boredom – these are the main problems that we are now facing, ”explains Maria Shelkova.

There is a great risk that at home we will feel like in a prison. And it certainly will not awaken passion. We can love our partner very much, but if he or she tends to constantly demand confirmation of love from us or wants to touch us more often than we are comfortable, this can be very annoying.

“If partners have difficulty building psychological boundaries, then isolation can hit the relationship very painfully. A stronger and more demanding one will push through the boundaries of a weaker one, which will provoke a new round of anxiety and passive aggression, ”says the psychologist-sexologist.

As a consolation

Sex can play the role of a universal language for clarifying relationships or giving consolation. For example, bonobo monkeys use it to calm relatives who are upset about a lack of food or worried about danger.

Of course, things are somewhat different for people, the psychologist believes. “A person comforts himself with the help of sex, and not another. Each of us activates different defense mechanisms in response to stress and anxiety. Some people can handle stress; others can’t bear it. There are people who, even without quarantine, “escape” from anxiety into sex. It is highly likely that they will also “fight stress” with the help of alcohol, drugs, cigarettes,” Maria Shelkova believes.

And therefore, “consolation with sex” is a kind of “coping strategy”, that is, a reaction to stress. How exactly it is formed is influenced by a whole series of factors, including temperament, parental models, and past experience.

In general, there is nothing wrong with periodically comforting yourself in this way. But if sex is the only tactic in our arsenal to deal with stress, it’s worth considering: what will we do if, for some reason, we can’t make love? Is it time to learn other ways to reduce anxiety and stress?

Perhaps sex should be left for joy and pleasure, without assigning an ambulance mission to it. Those who are able to rely on themselves in difficult times will be able to give more to others and open up better in relationships.

After the ball

What awaits us when the forced “vacation” in a crisis ends? It is highly likely that not everyone will be able to withstand this test.

“I think that after the quarantine there will be a wave of divorces – of course, if this particular couple does not have magical social glue in the form of a joint mortgage. People will want to escape from the situation – it’s easier than solving internal psychological problems that were the cause of tension in the couple, ”says Maria Shelkova.

But there are those who are not afraid of any isolation.

“Couples who know how to communicate with each other, hear each other, will be able to discover a lot of new things in themselves and their partner. These discoveries will enrich both sex and relationships in general. Isolation creates the conditions for a deeper knowledge of yourself and the connection that exists between you and your loved one. Perhaps you have never spoken as sincerely as these days,” says Maria Shelkova.

And this is definitely good news for us and our bed.