How were we met in this world and how were we perceived as children? The view of parents always affects our self-esteem, explains psychoanalyst Marina Harutyunyan.
Complexes prevent us from living and make it difficult to communicate with other people. Each of us would give dearly to part with them. And this is possible — provided that we do the necessary analytical work with them.
Psychologies: The word «complex» has long been part of our everyday vocabulary. How does psychoanalysis understand it?
Marina Harutyunyan: In classical psychoanalysis, the word «complex» is usually used in the phrases «Oedipus complex», «castration complex». We are talking about complex unconscious associations that are associated with the position of the child in the family, his relationship with his parents. In adult life, their consequences affect how we build relationships with the opposite sex, which partners we choose.
But speaking less strictly, the complex is most often understood as such an idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe self, which arises under the influence of low self-esteem. A person may believe that he has an unfortunate appearance, an unenviable origin, a lack of culture or education. Or that he has nothing to love and respect for at all.
Does this mean that for the complexes, in fact, there are no real reasons?
In most cases, the reason for them exists only in our imagination. Even a person with an obvious physical defect can live with dignity, respecting himself and not «complexing.» The true cause of the complexes is not at all appearance or other “defects”, but constant self-doubt, a feeling of helplessness, inappropriateness. The Austrian psychoanalyst Alfred Adler believed that we first experience such feelings in early childhood: small and dependent, we perceive ourselves as inferior compared to the adult world.
If, growing up, we still feel insecure, then we begin to unconsciously look for an explanation for this inner discomfort. By «tying» it to something specific — appearance, character, status — we get the opportunity to deal with our shortcoming. So, a person can start doing plastic surgery, exhaust himself with diets (if it seems to him that the cause of his troubles is an unsuccessful appearance) or fight for success, power, wealth.
How do complexes arise?
Our self-esteem is formed very early. And it depends a lot on how we were perceived by our parents. If from birth we were a source of joy for them, if we saw in their eyes that we were loved, we will have a sense of our own significance, dignity, thanks to which self-respect and adequate self-esteem appear for the rest of our lives. And low self-esteem occurs in those who are not lucky enough to get such an experience. A child who grows up feeling that he is disturbing, weighing down, upsetting parents, feels bad and vulnerable.
What if the parents themselves feel insecure?
Then, of course, it is difficult for a child to gain dignity. Parents — like all people — may not be free from complexes, in their past they may have their own unsuccessful experience of interacting with adults. It is also important that any newborn in the psychological sense bears a complex system of (largely unconscious) parental expectations and fantasies. In his future fate, much will depend on how flexible these expectations will be, whether the parents will be able to accept in the child what is different from their fantasies.
Looking at what exactly our complexes are attached to, is it possible to understand their deep cause?
It is impossible — as by a small sprout it is impossible to judge the root system hidden underground. Often the stereotypes that exist in society tell us what to “attach” our complexes to. For women, this is often beauty, external attractiveness, for men — social success and prosperity. It is easier to fit your experiences of low self-esteem into the script that has already been used by generations of people who lived before us. The microenvironment also influences us: for example, in a family where everyone was judged by the number of diplomas received, a child may develop a “dropout” complex.
But how to get rid of the complexes?
Trying to understand why it is so difficult or sometimes simply impossible for us to be ourselves. Is a person really not worthy of love and respect at all, even if he does not have an ideal appearance or is not educated enough? What does comparison with others mean for us — is it an incentive to think about how to become better, or a reason for self-abasement? The tendency to self-abasement says only that a person is trying to become what he is not. It is worth thinking about this and trying to accept yourself — with all our inherent weaknesses and shortcomings.
Fortunately, most of us do not have so many complexes, they mostly go away in adulthood, when a person has managed to fall in love and feel loved. I realized that I am able to answer for myself and my loved ones, which can cause respect. That he did something important in life — not necessarily noticeable, but meaningful.
But if this did not happen, if something endlessly makes a person devalue everything that he has and who he is, if constant envy and irritation leave no room for joy, you need to ask yourself: why can’t I accept myself and for what? can’t forgive? It must be admitted that these are not the simplest questions in the world. You may need help to answer them.